Wishin' and Hopin' Page #2

I had an uneasy

feeling pop

Was stirring the conversation

toward the birds and the bees.

And, hey, it's not that I didn't

need information on the subject,

But I never expected him to

enlighten me by talking about...

Toilet seats

and drinking fountains.

So...

sometimes you have a lot of

people taking a sip out of them.

And you don't...

want to touch

your lips on the metal.

You understand

what I'm talking about?

I think so.

Good.

Great talk, son.

Are you getting a drink

or what?

No.

The day our new

substitute teacher arrived,

I smelled her before I saw her...

Lily of the valley perfume,

A scent that would open a flood

of memories anytime

I smelled it for years to come,

A scent that...

I was definitely allergic to.

Bonjour.

Je m'appelle Marguerite Irene

Dubois Frechette.

But you can call me

Madame Frechette.

Madame Frechette

was unlike any teacher

I'd ever seen.

She was energetic, alive.

You could tell she was excited

By the way she would clasp

her hands together,

Causing all of her jewelry

to ring in unison.

Je viens Du Quebec, Canada.

Who would like to go to the map

To point out where Quebec

is located?

Oui, mademoiselle.

I would love to, Madame.

Tres, tres bien.

Et...

what might your name be?

Je suis mademoiselle Rosalie.

Ah, vous parlez Francais.

Un petit peu.

I believe

that children work best

When they are...

confortable.

Donc take this opportunity

To find a seat

wherever you would like.

Whoo!

- Yes!

- All right!

But, Madame,

What about the class ranking?

All that matters is what is

in my grade book, mademoiselle.

Depeche-toi.

Merci.

God bless you.

Comment vous appelez vous?

Huh?

I asked you what your name is.

Oh, Felix Funicello.

Ah.

But you remind me of another

little garcon Italien,

Donc I shall call you

monsieur Dondi.

Oh, Christ.

He likes bread

and butter

he likes toast and jam

Monsieur Dondi.

Cream it, Turdski.

At pops' lunch counter,

You could swivel your stool

And follow the arc

of our cousin's career.

From mouseketeer

to recent films

Like beach blanket bingo,

Her star ascended

as her cup size worked its way

Through the alphabet.

Je suis...

Getting very, very dizzy.

What's that you're speaking

there, Lix?

Pig Latin?

Um, it happens to be French.

Our new teacher's making us

learn it.

Wow, ooh la la.

Your old lady says

I got to feed you.

So what do you want?

French toast?

I got a nice bottle

of French dressing.

That was so funny,

I forgot to laugh.

All right, Pepe Le pew,

How about I find you a little

chicky boom boom?

She can teach you

how to French kiss.

French kiss?

That's chino,

High-School dropout and

my adult figure for the night.

It's when the boy and the girl

put their tongues

In each other's mouths.

Yick.

Don't knock it

till you try it.

All right, what will it be?

A Sal's torpedo

and a coke.

No fries?

They're French.

I'll get them myself.

Oh, okay, hotshot.

Why don't you put some tunes on

while you're at it.

She's playing on the juke now?

This place has Funicello fever.

Um, she happens

to be our cousin.

Hey, pal, is this a kid,

Or did a munchkin wander off

the yellow brick road?

Oh, let's just say

he's still a little sore

About that dead witch

in his backyard.

Oh, yeah, I got a good one

for you guys.

How is a woman like an oven?

How?

Well, you got

to heat them both up

Before you stick

in the meatloaf.

So long, fellas.

Come on.

Don't let those squids

bother you.

They're just a couple

of screwballs.

It takes one to know one.

Oh, that hurts,

really.

Hold the floor for me

for a second, will you?

I got to pee.

Hi, honey.

What's wrong?

Do you know

what time it is?

We stopped to get

mom's hair styled

After we went shopping.

Yeah, I mean,

doesn't she look great?

She practically looks

ten years younger.

I mean, check out her new skort.

Her what?

Her skort.

It's real modern.

The girls thought

I needed a makeover

To chaperone you on

your ranger Andy trip.

Why do your legs look

like blue cheese?

I told you it was too short.

No, it isn't.

Okay, Felix is just

being a little jerk.

Yeah, as usual.

I'm the one who almost got

killed today.

What are you talking about,

Felix?

Boiled in oil.

Cool it, Dondi.

It was a little accident.

A little accident?

Felix, what happened?

I fried my tie.

Stop.

You're fine.

The guilt of defiling

my cousin's poster

Had eaten away at me all week,

So that by the time Friday

confession came around,

I was ready to crack.

Fifth grade class may now pass

for confession.

Allez.

Line up!

Tuck in your shirt

and zip up your fly.

Detention after school.

Rosalie.

Geraldine, your sweater.

You look like a basset hound.

Ow.

Hey, no cuts, no butts,

no coconuts.

Sorry, I just really have

to get up there.

Well, wait till NAACP hears

about this.

Marion was always

making that joke.

He's a boy,

in case you couldn't tell,

Even though Marion's

a girl's name,

Which is worse than having

everyone call you Dondi,

If you ask me.

Felix Funicello,

Left box.

Confession was,

as my pop would always say,

"A crapshoot."

Get the lead out.

You'd never knew which

priest you'd end up getting,

Which seemed like

an accurate comparison

Since my luck was always crappy.

Monsignor Muldoon,

He was roughly 500 years old

And made up of equal parts

Phineas T. Bluster,

Crabby Appleton,

and Mr. Magoo.

He always smelled

like butter rum candy,

Which, if you listened

to Simone,

Was to cover up a few too many

sips of the communion wine.

Bless me, father,

for I have sinned.

It has been two weeks

since my last confession.

Speak up, boy,

you're mumbling.

Well, of course I was.

I didn't want

any of my classmates

To hear what I had to say.

It has been two weeks

since my last confession.

These are my sins:

I copied a friend's homework

on the bus,

I called my sister a bad word

two times,

And I cursed

on six separate occasions,

But not the really bad ones,

Just a couple "H"S, "D"S,

and "S"S.

And finally,

I had impure thoughts.

About what?

You know...

no, I don't know

unless you tell me.

About my cousin Annette.

She's famous.

Did you act on these thoughts?

I'm not sure.

Well, you either did,

or you didn't.

I kissed her poster

on the lips,

The one of her on the beach in

her bathing suit listening to...

Incest is a mortal sin.

You made Jesus

very, very, very sad.

Perhaps he even wept,

As he did on the day

of his crucifixion.

I knew I was in for it now.

To absolve yourself

of these sins,

You must say

one complete rosary.

The entire thing?

The entire...

thing.

I have a very exciting

announcement to make.

Today we welcome

a nouvel etudiant,

A new student.

She has come all the way

from the soviet union...

Evenija Vladimirovna Kabokova,

Or as she prefers to be called

for short,

Zhenya.

Come in, mademoiselle.

Thank you, sister.

Hello, classmates.

I am very, very, very happy

To meet your acquaintance.

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