Wishin' and Hopin' Page #4

If he thought

he could get me

To watch a stupid movie

Just by calling me a girl,

He was absolutely right.

Now, I had never

actually seen a horror movie

In a theater before,

Since my mother was adamant

that they'd give me nightmares.

But I figured,

what does she know?

Oh, man,

that head looked so fake.

Yeah.

A million scenarios

raced through my head

Every time I heard a noise

that night.

I knew it was Bette Davis.

She was coming for my head.

Or just one of my sisters

using the bathroom.

Lonny was right.

That stupid head did look

pretty fake.

What was I so scared of?

She is so gross.

How does she eat that?

Come on, Felix.

What... Where are we going?

Hello, classmates.

Mind if us gentlemen join you?

It is still free country.

You look older

than most of the girls.

How old are you?

We have different school

where I'm from.

Yeah, I'm older too...

You from other school too?

No, just dumb, I guess.

Silly boy.

Your accent sure is funny.

I no have accent.

Your accent funny.

Say, "go blow slop

in a pail."

Go blow slopping pail.

Oh, my god.

This is great.

Okay, Lonny,

your turn.

Say...

What'd I say?

Tell me what I said.

You esk feel, so you go to

headmistress office today.

Yo-dis?

What the heck is "yo-dis"?

Soft place.

Ow.

My "esk."

I pitcher today.

Okay, fellas?

I pick Zhenya.

I good baseball player,

eh, Felix?

Better than Mickey Mouse, da?

Mickey mouse.

He good baseball player.

I suppose so

for a cartoon.

Nyet, Felix Funicello.

No cartoon.

He play with Yankees

in New York.

It's Mickey mantle, stupid.

You're right, Lonny.

Cartoon mouse still better

than you though.

It was the first time

Lonny had been on the receiving

end of an insult,

And he kind of liked it.

Tableau vivant.

Who can tell me what this means?

Yes?

Uh, a tablecloth?

No, Lonny.

Anyone else?

Okay.

Get ready.

It means

"living picture."

Madame, you crazy.

Picture do not live.

That's why it is called picture.

Oui, oui, Zhenya.

I talked to mother Filomena,

And after learning

of my extensive experience

In the other lesson,

She has agreed to let

the fifth grade class perform

A series of tableu for the

Christmas pageant this year.

What does that mean?

It means you will be the stars

of the show.

Between my famous

family lineage

And my upcoming

Raer Andy appearce,

Madame must have known I was

already a star in the making.

There will be four scenes,

Each one presented between the

other classes' musical numbers,

All leading up

to the showstopping finale

Of la nativite.

Imagine when the curtains part

To reveal you

all still as statues.

You will hear gasps of awe

and wonder from the audience.

Like I say,

looney tune.

There will be parts

for all of you,

From shepherds

to angels

To the holy family.

What about Santa Claus?

Of course not, dummy.

Santa's not in the bible.

- What did you just call me?

- You heard me.

Well, wait till the NAACP

hears about this.

What about the baby Jesus?

A real enfant might

be a problem,

But perhaps one of you has a...

Comment dit...

A baby doll?

Tres bien, Jackie.

There's sheep at the farm

that we could use.

Yeah, they're real

well-Behaved and everything.

And right on cue...

I would volunteer to play

the blessed virgin Mary.

Okay, hands down.

Class, settle down.

There will be no casting

decisions made just yet.

And moving on from our tableau,

I will be visiting my family

in Quebec later this week.

And you will have a...

remplacement...

A replacement.

Oui, Franz?

Aren't you already

the replacement?

D'accord.

You shall have a remplacement

for your remplacement.

Who will it be?

I believe that sister

Agrippina's agreed to step in.

What is a Agrippina?

Sure enough,

later that week,

We were back in the clutches

of the enforcer.

Take out your arithmetic books

and a sheet of paper.

Complete problems

one through ten on page 52.

I had seen that look

on her face before.

It said, "try anything,

And the pain I inflict in return

will make you pray you hadn't."

All of us knew better

than to cross her...

almost all of us.

Young lady,

where do you think you're going?

I don't speak sign language.

Pencil sharpener.

I don't remember

you raising your hand

And asking for permission.

No permission.

Why is big deal

you making of this?

You are being openly defiant,

And that is totally

unacceptable.

Why you no

go blow slop in pail?

Wow.

You'd think a stunt like that

Would have gotten Zhenya

kicked out of school for good,

But Madame was quick to jump

to her defense

When she returned.

Sister Agrippina has been

transferred from St. Aloysius

For good.

I myself know the confusion

of being in a nouvelle culture.

No need for French here,

Mrs. Frechette.

We're all aware that you are

from Montreal.

Quebec city, actually.

Even worse.

Please, please,

Give miss Zhenya one more shot.

I assure you,

just to...

Comment dit?

Misunderstanding.

She is your student,

For the time being, at least.

So I shall leave it

in your hands.

May god help us all.

Attention, class.

Mademoiselle Rosalie would like

To present her extra credit

project for the class.

Mademoiselle?

"Russians,

And are they a threat

to America?"

By Rosalie Twerski.

First of all,

Russians are atheists

and do not celebrate Christmas.

Second of all...

What she talk about?

We go to Russian orthodox church

in USA.

We love Christmas.

Zhenya knew exactly

how to fire back at Rosalie,

And the competition

was officially on.

And third,

Russian spies continue

to infiltrate the united states

To steal the secret

of the atom bomb.

Blessed art thou

amongst women,

And blessed is fruit

of thy womb.

Zhenya...

As the pageant approached,

Both girls began dropping

subtle hints

About who deserved the role

of the blessed virgin.

Bonjour, Madame Frechette.

Bonjour, Rosalie.

Hi.

Hey, Rosalie,

what are you, slow?

That's supposed to be

on your neck.

I happen to have a head cold.

My current event is an article

I found in the Hartford times

About an experimental program

called subscription television.

It's about how people will pay

to have channels

They don't normally get

on their TVs.

Yes, Felix?

Why would anyone do that?

It's like paying for water

When it comes out of the sink

for free.

I don't know.

It doesn't get into Pacifics,

okay?

Does anybody else have

any good questions?

Tres bien, Rosalie.

You may take your seat.

Your turn, Felix.

My current event is me,

Felix Funicello.

At the end of the week,

I'll be taking a bus to Hartford

With the other midshipmen

To appear on

the ranger Andy show.

Oh, live television.

How exciting.

Yeah, well,

my cousin Annette Funicello

Has been on TV, like,

a billion times,

So it's kind of

family tradition.

Zhenya?

Who is this cousin you say?

This Annette Funicello?

She used to be a mouseketeer,

But now she's

a big-Time movie star.

Movie star at cinema?

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