Women Aren't Funny Page #5

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but I might have

to wear slippers

so they know I'm not going out.

I might have to tell people.

"Don't kidnap me, this shirt is

not supposed to leave the hotel."

You would never see me

with this shirt,

that would never happen

out in public.

What would people make of me?

...everyday.

Let me know when we're ready.

I'm trying to find her.

Do you trust her?

- Why, what do you know?

- Do you trust her?

- You're paranoid.

- Every guy's paranoid.

I trust you as my wife,

but as a woman...

You can't trust any woman

in life.

- You are crazy.

- You think you can trust any woman?

Most women aren't honest. And

so much about comedy is honesty.

Wait a minute, the premise

being that men are honest?

Where are they? I would love

to start dating some of them.

Tell the truth, that's

the basic rule of comedy.

Tell the truth.

Right, but, on the other side

there's a lot of guys, Steve

Martin wasn't honest on stage.

There wasn't an honesty

on stage,

it wasn't even attempted

to be done 40 years ago.

It wasn't like they tried it

but didn't do it.

It wasn't even what they

wanted to do. You made up,

"Oh, my girlfriend,

Rosie is a real humdinger."

It was always, "Or my wife,

I'll tell you..."

But it wasn't really anything you

had a problem with your wife.

So honesty is...

Does that make any sense?

The ones that start really breaking out

are the ones that get brutally honest.

How many people go, "Yeah, my husband

sucks or my girlfriend sucks..."?

Do they really suck

or is it a bit?

- Well, mine does.

- I know yours does.

- Yours is awful.

- Thank you.

Check this out.

I got bumped up.

- See that?

- Just you?

2B, I got bumped up.

No, but did... Serena and I...?

You guys got your own seat

in the back.

Listen... I don't wanna

go to first class.

I'd rather be back there with

her, but what am I gonna do?

Are you kidding?

I even get like," I hate to go on

the road all the time by myself."

But female comics do it, they're

dealing with all this other stuff.

My thing was always about my

safety that I would be concerned.

You going, "Sh*t, what if this

car breaks down out here?"

You know, in the middle

of the night.

There's some parts of the

country I'm not going.

I'm not going to Uncle Darkies.

- I'm there next week.

- Of course you're there.

You're the house MC.

Uncle Darkies.

More women on the road would

equal more women in the clubs.

It's an intriguing idea,

but a logistical nightmare.

I can't believe

that I used to share condos

with disgusting

guy comics on coke.

- Get out of here.

- I remember chicks that would,

we'd have to share

a comedy condo.

What douchebags

we would be to them.

What is a comedy condo?

It's a rape buffet.

Are you kidding me?

What you're looking at

is footage obtained

illegally by WAF

of a typical comedy condo.

It is a flop house purchase

usually in a foreclosure sale

by a comedy club to house

their touring comedians.

The headliner, the feature,

and the opening act

and the MC would all stay

at the condo.

It was like doing prison time.

I was like no.

It's just nastiness, I'm not

getting in that shower.

I'd rather stand out in the

yard and hose myself off.

Nobody came in to change

the sheets.

Guys think it's funny.

"I'm gonna rub my ass

on the pillow...

for the next person."

I'm like, "Why?"

Why I gotta lay my head

on your nasty ass? No.

I think people drawn to standup are

drawn to a transient lifestyle

where they're on the road,

they can be like, drinking,

they can be doing drugs, they can be hooking

up with different girls all the time

and I think it's like

a choice that people make.

Well, it's time to talk about

how you and I dated.

We f***ed around.

While a sense

of humor is something

most women

look for in a partner,

it seems to be less important

to men.

No, I don't wanna

f*** a funny girl.

It's much farther down on their

list of desirable attributes

- in a woman.

- Funny is actually a deterrent

- to sexy, I think.

- There is definitely a sex appeal about a funny guy

that a funny women doesn't have.

"Now you're funny in bed?"

A lot of men would say that.

I ain't f***ing

no fat funny b*tches.

You know what I'm saying?

But women will

f*** a fat funny motherf***er.

Or a short funny motherf***er.

Or a bald funny motherf***er.

I'm not physically attractive

and I'm not athletic

but I'm funny so I'm gonna work

on that as a way to get chicks.

- Get laid...

- And it works?

Yeah, f*** yeah.

Yeah, it worked real well.

Honey?

For women though, there are

consequences to getting busy.

- Mommy.

- Luckily,

it's possible to be

one funny mother.

For example, this is Heather.

And, if we're to take her

at her word,

this is her baby.

Although a wildly

funny comedian,

she was able to get impregnated

by a member of the male species.

Now Heather shares how

she manages being funny

and being Mommy.

I was doing standup

probably until I was like

four months pregnant.

Then I just couldn't...

I just felt like I had

a big secret

and I was afraid of how

I was gonna tell everybody.

Everybody's like, "I bet

you have a ton of funny

material now that you're...

now that you have a baby.

And to me it's just

not very funny.

It's really difficult to be any

professional woman and have children.

So I wanted to know

if you like female comics.

The woman always has

the larger share

- of the child rear.

- I'm trying to do something right now.

That's just the way it is.

And so I chose to stop.

People always ask things like,

"What are you working on

these days?

What's your current project?

What's on your plate?

What's on the next page?

What are you working on?"

Oh, I'm done.

Yeah.

I finished early.

I'm actually living

in a gravy boat...

filled with teste gravy.

What do you want in your coffee?

I got my coffee.

Um...

We got Christopher Hitchens.

Whoo!

- Rich. Did you hear me?

- Yes.

You and your face when you go,

"Whoo!"

There it is.

Hey, it's Bonnie,

we're waiting for you.

Call me...

It's Bonnie.

Christopher Hitchens

is a no show.

But he does have a good excuse.

Clearly he is willing

to go to any length

to avoid a sit-down

with our camera.

You don't wanna cry?

- Nope.

- One, two...

Daddy's a Jew.

Three, four, Mommy's a...

- Richard!

- I didn't say it.

The great big hug

Kiss from me to you

Won't you say

you love me too

It's time to talk

about how you and I dated.

...how you and I dated.

...how you and I dated.

- We f***ed around.

- We f***ed around.

We f***ed around.

We f***ed around.

What do you want me to say?

I mean...

You did f*** Dane Cook so...

Of course he thinks it.

Dane Cook's a movie star.

Male comedians do make

the move to movies,

whereas female comedians don't.

Is there sexism

in the comedy business?

Yeah, the whole world is sexist.

The world is run by men.

Yeah, of course there is.

For heterosexual guys,

I can't talk for fruits,

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