Women Aren't Funny Page #6

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I don't know what goes on there.

...and it's so hard for us

to think of women other than

something to f***.

- An object?

- One time in New York

some construction workers whistled

at me when I first moved there

and I turned around like, ""

And they go, "Not you!"

If you're gorgeous,

you're not gonna be funny.

So it just doesn't work.

It just doesn't work.

Looks... Like I was never

considered pretty,

which is why I can be funny.

You don't expect

the really pretty woman

to be funny.

But... You don't expect a very

handsome man to be funny either.

I knew a guy with a port wine

stain on him.

Am I gonna f***ing

look at that sh*t?

The problem

is extremely complex.

Only ugly women can be funny.

But ugly women are not allowed

on American television.

It's not a win-win situation.

It's that other thing.

The not win-win situation.

A no-win situation.

Many, many female comedians

deserve to be on television

who aren't on sitcoms

because when they go to pick

a funny woman

they will always go

to a gorgeous woman.

All one has to do is look at

the cast members of The View

to see how true this is.

...year I had twelve comics,

two of them were women.

Um, last year I had 25 comics,

I think I only had...

I had two women last year.

Paula Poundstone

and Wendy Liebman last year.

- Just always two women?

- No, I... No.

- Isn't that true, Eddie?

- Yeah, it's true.

I rest my case.

Comedy Central rejected me.

I have no idea why.

But I think it's because

in their mind,

I was not their demographic.

I was too old, I was too female,

I was too Jew-y,

I was too whatever it was.

- I don't know.

- Most of the people in power at the Letterman Show

are women. The executive

producers are women.

The associate producer

is a woman.

His right-hand person is a

woman.

The woman who books

the whole show is a woman

because she's the woman

who books the show.

The meetings you go into

where you get introduced

to, "This is Tammy, she's the

head of comedy development."

She's got overalls on,

just out of UCLA

and she's got an Asian assistant

with a yellow pad and he's

writing something...

And these are the head

of comedy development.

How the f*** do you

get that job?

What are your qualifications?

How does anyone deem this broad

the head of comedy development?

She wouldn't make you laugh

unless she accidentally

hit her head on a pipe, then

you go, "Wow, that's good."

You know how we said five

percent of standups are good?

That's our team.

Five percent

of the industry's good.

Five percent of the industry,

they're brilliant.

Like with standup,

comedy movies feature

a lot less women.

Usually, there's only

one gal to every six guys.

And that's a gang bang.

- Up here.

- Yeah.

And yet film critic

Ben Lyons feels

it's the men in comedies

who are being shortchanged.

Men are depicted as accessories

and thrown to the side.

And it's women who are dealing with

all the story points of the movie.

His solution, no women at all.

It's like a man's movie.

There's really not movies

that are so much written as

comedy vehicles for women.

Which I feel like is annoying.

I just don't wanna be in

a comedy and not be funny

and the female lead of a comedy

is this,

"Get a job!"

"I can' do this anymore."

"Are you gonna get

your life together?"

Women who are just

made miserable

or mortified by there boyfriend

or husband's hilarious behavior.

I don't wanna do that. There

are so many great actresses

- Richard.

- Pretty actresses...

- Richard!

- What? I'm throwing this out.

- She's on a great sound-bite.

- Oh, sorry. Sorry.

- I thought...

- Guess what that was.

A male comic.

You have to be careful.

You can become the thing

you hate the most.

Oh, my God!

That's incredible.

I just was what I was...

Aren't we all what we hate?

- Really?

- I just brought that up.

- You guys...

- I don't wanna be the bitchy

girlfriend. I don't wanna be

the complaining person.

Richard, please!

Richard.

Harlem has actually changed.

You guys, you can go.

There are white people

in Harlem.

And you can tell, 'cause

we got three Starbucks,

salad.

White people bring salad.

That's nice.

The first time I saw

a ripe tomato

I was like, "Ooh.

They coming."

Welcome to the Funny Feud.

We surveyed 100 people.

Top five answers

are on the board.

What kind of chicks

make you chuckle?

The funniest kind of woman

is fat.

Are black women funnier

than white women?

Yeah. Ten times funnier.

Women that are funny

are lesbians a lot.

There's some South Koreans

veer towards humor.

Joan Rivers cracks me up.

She's a white Jewish woman.

She's a Jew. Now don't

get carried away.

- You got one.

- - I was grouping white and Jewish separately.

- OK, separate.

- I put them together.

No. You can't put them together,

they always wanna do that.

That's not the same.

'Cause they're not white.

Is the funniest woman

in the world a black lesbian?

B*tches! Wait your turn.

You just better pray I don't f***

it up for the rest of y'all.

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah.

For women, it's a demoralizing,

discriminatory,

rejection filled thankless job

of making people laugh

who don't think they're funny.

So why do they do it?

I don't know why you do it.

I guess it's what you know,

an unpleasant feeling

your whole life.

And then, you seek more ways

to magnify that.

The crazier you are,

probably the funnier you'll be.

You... And I told some

comedian one day,

"I know sometimes it bothers me,

'cause I think does me being

normal hurt my comedy, will it?"

He does, "Oh.

You think you're normal?"

And I was like, "You don't?"

He goes,

"You're f***ing not normal,

Todd."

I go, "Oh, my God! Thank God!"

I think this theory that

hardship in ones life

translates into standup comedy

genius later on

is horse sh*t and it's not

supported by the numbers.

And it's one of these clichs.

Everybody wants to believe it.

It has very Freudian undertones

and I think it's largely

been discredited.

I'll tell you why I'm a

comedian.

My parents got divorced.

A, number one.

Two, very hairy.

A lot of unwanted hair

in a town...

seemingly hairless town.

Jew. Jew among no Jews.

It's like three sitcoms

in a row,

Fish Out of Water, classic.

Bedwetter. Bedwetter well

into my teens.

Brutal. Sent to sleepover

summer camp since I was six.

Just humiliating summer

after humiliating summer.

My shrink when I was 13,

went to the second session,

waited in the waiting room

a very long time,

he had hung himself.

He had braces.

You'd think he would wait

until the braces came off.

Aren't braces a sign of hope

in a way?

If you're lucky enough to have a great sense

of humor and to be able to make people laugh

then you can use that

as a defense

and then you say,

"Hey, this is working."

How am I broken? I'm a f***ing a**hole

who just wants to belong and be loved

and have people care about me.

- And nobody...

- - But nobody does care about you.

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