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Women Aren't Funny Page #7
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2014
- 79 min
- 130 Views
Nobody. Nobody.
Is he an affectionate guy?
He... no.
- That is almost not funny.
- Why, Rich?
He touches you but it's like
a toddler
or a monster that doesn't...
...hasn't figured out
how to caress.
- It's just...
- A monster?
Just like this kind of...
No. Oh, my God.
A toddler or a monster?
- Is he a good kisser?
- He is a good...
- We haven't kissed in years.
- Touch Bonnie.
Like, touch your wife.
Make her feel good.
Like, maybe it's earlier
in the day and you think,
"Well, I wanna have sex
later tonight."
Oh, God.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
And honestly, it gets
to this so quickly.
The feeling up of the boob?
Look.
- That's how somebody...
- Look at you.
That's like a plantation owner
used to inspect a slave
- he was gonna buy.
- Is that really how you touch her?
Grabbed her arm a little,
rubbed it and then...
That's really how you touch her?
- Look, look.
- One time I was crying
and he went to console me
and he was like this...
OK, OK.
Immediately went for the boob.
Yeah.
Tears coming down.
"Suck my cock."
"OK, Rich."
Oh, sh*t.
If I had been
in a concentration camp,
all the time.
I just think...
One joke I woulda said,
"Is it just me,
or do I smell gas?"
- And...
- There's the part of us that's genuine,
then there's the silly part.
Yeah, if you don't have...
To have a serious... question
about child molestation,
I can have it.
And obviously,
it breaks your heart
to see the most precious
creature in the world
somebody would
take advantage of.
As long as you have
that part of you,
to be made.
We don't talk about crib deaths
as a topic.
Not everything is funny,
OK, Bonnie?
Everything's funny.
Since the dawn of civilization,
women have had to fight...
I don't know what
the rest of it is.
It doesn't matter.
Because it's gonna go
to voiceover.
Women in comedy
have to fight many stereotypes,
including one first brought to our
attention by comedian Jim Breuer.
He believes all female
comedians have been molested.
This is some dark stuff
- I was not molested.
- No.
Something happened to her. Something
definitely happened to her.
My father, my uncle, none
of them found me attractive.
For me, I can see, she's
definitely hiding something.
I think maybe, it's not that
they didn't find me attractive
enough to molest me, I think
that it was more like
I was unapproachable.
You know what I mean?
Could there be
any truth to Jim's theorem?
Were any female comedians
molested?
- I was. I was.
- I can't say by who.
- What?
- The thought that women
become comedians because
they were molested
has never, ever occurred to me.
That thought has never
entered my mind.
Maybe because I molest
so many women
and don't like to think that,
"Gee, am I...
doing something to them?"
Why are we molested
and he's not?
Whoa, whoa!
Bonnie has never been molested,
but she has had her fair share
I'm going to the bathroom
to screw on my dick.
So I just celebrated
my second year
wedding anniversary.
Oh. You guys that's sweet
but don't, it's not working out.
It's hard, you know. "Keep it
spicy." That's what everybody says.
Keep it spicy but I hate porn.
I just...
Don't get me wrong,
the money was great.
Well, it's time to talk
about how you and I dated.
We f***ed around.
I know you slept with Dane.
I know you did.
Are you... are you
kidding me right now?
- Oh, really? Why would he say that?
- He was joking around.
Oh, he was joking?
Why didn't you say that?
- In two years...
- Say what?
Dane, he slept with you.
And in two years...
In the interview he was joking.
This guy's getting off I think.
A lot of times people...
in joke form.
He was joking.
You know he was joking
You laughed at the time.
- Now it's seeping in that...
- Do I look fat here?
F***ing put your brain to rest and we don't
have to have this conversation again.
We especially...
Is he getting off?
We especially don't have to
have this conversation
right before I'm about
to f***ing go on stage.
You get me riled up
and then I gotta go...
Hey!
Are you joking with me?
- Are you joking with me?
- No, I just...
- I can't tell.
- It doesn't matter.
Go do your show
so we can go on...
Now I have to not know
if you're joking around?
- Whatever.
- It's not true.
Leave me alone.
Stupid a**hole.
My husband is also
a comedian and...
No, we don't
sit around laughing.
We don't like to bring
our work home with us.
Female comedians
are expected to keep up with
their male counterparts comedically.
But many of them also shoulder
the added responsibility
of having a husband.
I don't know how you do it,
honey. I can't date a guy...
Comic, I can't. I always
have to be the funniest one.
I just have to. And I have...
Rich Vos, national headlining.
- Go on.
- Is it in fact just
easier being a man?
No, that's not how you take it off.
Are you stupid?
- Right there.
- Where? Right here?
- God. You're stupid.
- This?
The only real way to understand
someone else's experience
is to walk a mile
Can you make me look
something like that?
- OK.
- Let's do this.
My plan was to get
a sex change operation
but I decided to do this first.
I'm gonna f***ing kill as a man.
I can feel it already.
...because if you ever
became a man,
I'd be gone.
This is how I'm gonna keep you.
Are you kidding?
I'd be gone.
You're...
You're too Jewy for me.
And I'm a Jew.
Watch this. Watch this.
I'm a guy.
- I'm Barney Mac, nice to meet you.
- What is it?
I have a Comedy Central
half hour special,
and I'm also the voice of Lenny
on the Cartoon Network
- Joycab.
- Let me write all this down.
OK.
- Thanks, bro.
- Can I get some change for that?
Do what you do.
Quit picking p*ssy hairs
out of your tongue.
I can't help it. I f***ing
ladies and gentlemen.
I love animals.
that had been tested
on animals.
Never. 'Cause I like to do
that myself at home.
Make sure the control group
is isolated.
You don't know what they're
doing in these labs.
Very loose guidelines.
This lady wants me.
You can totally tell.
I know I'm weird.
I'm a weird dude.
I used to always carry
a man-purse, a murse.
You ever carry one of those?
A murse.
I love it. I loved that murse.
But I was losing it.
I'd lose it everywhere.
I was always leaving
my murse around.
I kept losing my murse.
I just started carrying
everything on my person,
my pants. I only lost my pants
a couple of times.
All right, thank you very much,
everyone. Good night.
Barney Mac,
ladies and gentlemen.
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"Women Aren't Funny" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/women_aren't_funny_23628>.
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