Women Aren't Funny Page #7

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Nobody. Nobody.

Is he an affectionate guy?

He... no.

- That is almost not funny.

- Why, Rich?

He touches you but it's like

a toddler

or a monster that doesn't...

...hasn't figured out

how to caress.

- It's just...

- A monster?

Just like this kind of...

No. Oh, my God.

A toddler or a monster?

- Is he a good kisser?

- He is a good...

- We haven't kissed in years.

- Touch Bonnie.

Like, touch your wife.

Make her feel good.

Like, maybe it's earlier

in the day and you think,

"Well, I wanna have sex

later tonight."

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

And honestly, it gets

to this so quickly.

The feeling up of the boob?

Look.

- That's how somebody...

- Look at you.

That's like a plantation owner

used to inspect a slave

- he was gonna buy.

- Is that really how you touch her?

Grabbed her arm a little,

rubbed it and then...

That's really how you touch her?

- Look, look.

- One time I was crying

and he went to console me

and he was like this...

OK, OK.

Immediately went for the boob.

Yeah.

Tears coming down.

"Suck my cock."

"OK, Rich."

Oh, sh*t.

If I had been

in a concentration camp,

I woulda been doing jokes

all the time.

I just think...

One joke I woulda said,

"Is it just me,

or do I smell gas?"

- And...

- There's the part of us that's genuine,

then there's the silly part.

Yeah, if you don't have...

To have a serious... question

about child molestation,

I can have it.

And obviously,

it breaks your heart

to see the most precious

creature in the world

somebody would

take advantage of.

As long as you have

that part of you,

yes, there are twisted jokes

to be made.

We don't talk about crib deaths

as a topic.

Not everything is funny,

OK, Bonnie?

Everything's funny.

Since the dawn of civilization,

women have had to fight...

I don't know what

the rest of it is.

It doesn't matter.

Because it's gonna go

to voiceover.

Women in comedy

have to fight many stereotypes,

including one first brought to our

attention by comedian Jim Breuer.

He believes all female

comedians have been molested.

This is some dark stuff

with Uncle Lenny going on.

- I was not molested.

- No.

Something happened to her. Something

definitely happened to her.

My father, my uncle, none

of them found me attractive.

For me, I can see, she's

definitely hiding something.

I think maybe, it's not that

they didn't find me attractive

enough to molest me, I think

that it was more like

I was unapproachable.

You know what I mean?

Could there be

any truth to Jim's theorem?

Were any female comedians

molested?

- I was. I was.

- I can't say by who.

- What?

- The thought that women

become comedians because

they were molested

has never, ever occurred to me.

That thought has never

entered my mind.

Maybe because I molest

so many women

and don't like to think that,

"Gee, am I...

doing something to them?"

Why are we molested

and he's not?

Whoa, whoa!

Bonnie has never been molested,

but she has had her fair share

of awkward sexual exchanges.

I'm going to the bathroom

to screw on my dick.

So I just celebrated

my second year

wedding anniversary.

Oh. You guys that's sweet

but don't, it's not working out.

It's hard, you know. "Keep it

spicy." That's what everybody says.

Keep it spicy but I hate porn.

I just...

Don't get me wrong,

the money was great.

Well, it's time to talk

about how you and I dated.

We f***ed around.

I know you slept with Dane.

I know you did.

Are you... are you

kidding me right now?

- Oh, really? Why would he say that?

- He was joking around.

Oh, he was joking?

Why didn't you say that?

- In two years...

- Say what?

Dane, he slept with you.

And in two years...

In the interview he was joking.

This guy's getting off I think.

A lot of times people...

The truth comes out

in joke form.

He was joking.

You know he was joking

Your brain is playing some

kind of weird trick on you.

You laughed at the time.

- Now it's seeping in that...

- Do I look fat here?

F***ing put your brain to rest and we don't

have to have this conversation again.

We especially...

Is he getting off?

We especially don't have to

have this conversation

right before I'm about

to f***ing go on stage.

You get me riled up

and then I gotta go...

Hey!

Are you joking with me?

- Are you joking with me?

- No, I just...

- I can't tell.

- It doesn't matter.

Go do your show

so we can go on...

Now I have to not know

if you're joking around?

Do you really think it?

- Whatever.

- It's not true.

Leave me alone.

Stupid a**hole.

My husband is also

a comedian and...

No, we don't

sit around laughing.

We don't like to bring

our work home with us.

Female comedians

are expected to keep up with

their male counterparts comedically.

But many of them also shoulder

the added responsibility

of having a husband.

I don't know how you do it,

honey. I can't date a guy...

Comic, I can't. I always

have to be the funniest one.

I just have to. And I have...

Rich Vos, national headlining.

- Go on.

- Is it in fact just

easier being a man?

No, that's not how you take it off.

Are you stupid?

- Right there.

- Where? Right here?

- God. You're stupid.

- This?

The only real way to understand

someone else's experience

is to walk a mile

in their boxer briefs.

Can you make me look

something like that?

- OK.

- Let's do this.

My plan was to get

a sex change operation

but I decided to do this first.

I'm gonna f***ing kill as a man.

I can feel it already.

...because if you ever

became a man,

I'd be gone.

This is how I'm gonna keep you.

Are you kidding?

I'd be gone.

You're...

You're too Jewy for me.

And I'm a Jew.

Watch this. Watch this.

I'm a guy.

- I'm Barney Mac, nice to meet you.

- What is it?

I have a Comedy Central

half hour special,

and I'm also the voice of Lenny

on the Cartoon Network

- Joycab.

- Let me write all this down.

OK.

- Thanks, bro.

- Can I get some change for that?

Do what you do.

Quit picking p*ssy hairs

out of your tongue.

I can't help it. I f***ing

eat p*ssy before every show.

Please welcome Barney Mac,

ladies and gentlemen.

I love animals.

I would never buy any...

I would never buy any product

that had been tested

on animals.

Never. 'Cause I like to do

that myself at home.

Make sure the control group

is isolated.

You don't know what they're

doing in these labs.

Very loose guidelines.

This lady wants me.

You can totally tell.

I know I'm weird.

I'm a weird dude.

I used to always carry

a man-purse, a murse.

You ever carry one of those?

A murse.

I love it. I loved that murse.

But I was losing it.

I'd lose it everywhere.

I was always leaving

my murse around.

I kept losing my murse.

I just started carrying

everything on my person,

my pants. I only lost my pants

a couple of times.

So that's really working out.

All right, thank you very much,

everyone. Good night.

Barney Mac,

ladies and gentlemen.

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