Women Aren't Funny Page #9

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I. I arrive in Boston for the second

annual Women in Comedy Festival

starring Maria Bamford.

I find her getting her material

ready for show.

And I ask her

about that website.

My name still isn't on it.

But it is important to me.

I'm logged and archived

and on the list of

funny women comedians.

- So would you marry Bonnie all over again?

- Yes!

Yes. What do you mean,

at this age?

- Or if I was...

- Right now.

Would I... Yeah, of course.

We could do another wedding.

Why don't you look at her

and say that?

I would marry you

a hundred times over.

Look at me, Rich!

I can't with that guy

behind you.

There's no one else on this

planet I would rather be with.

Oh, so you wanna leave

the planet?

What about... what about

other planets?

I think she's

so f***ing funny...

Excuse me.

As a comic...

Is there cum on my chin?

As a comic.

You know, not a female.

And off stage and everything.

And I tell her that

all the time.

And she's a brilliant writer, I tell

her she's just f***ing brilliant.

She really is. We're married,

we have good times, we have bad.

She's got her butt up

in the air.

Oh, you.

How does this start, really?

Oh.

My glasses.

Holy sh*t, Rich.

I wanna be with somebody that you

can just do bits all day with.

But there are guys that love

the fact that women do comedy.

I saw it in a movie once.

Hey, look, for anybody that says

women comedians aren't funny,

I got one thing to say,

Rita f***ing Rudner.

Now I have to be funny.

Hey, it's Vos.

Can you do me favor?

Look, I know you already

rebooked me,

but can you give Bonnie

a weekend there?

No, as a headliner.

No, no, no.

Really, she's a lot better now.

Let's face it, Moms Mabley was the

funniest. She was the funniest.

- Ellen DeGeneres.

- Cathy Ladman

- and Wendy Liebman.

- Lucille Ball.

I know girls have a tough time

in your club.

Am I available when?

Yeah, I'm open that weekend.

Yeah. Hold on.

- Phyllis Diller...

- I'm thinking about Morgan Murphy.

Sometime in the fall or winter.

So do Christmas weekend,

any of those.

Or spring or the summer.

I mean, Sheryl Underwood

is funny.

Gilda Radner. Paula Bel's funny.

Phyllis Diller.

Margaret Cho's a funny b*tch.

All right, yeah. Cool.

Thanks, man.

Your name's nowhere to be found.

Awesome.

- It's good. I'm very proud of you.

- Yeah. This is...

- Very proud. You're gonna do well.

- Thank you.

This is gonna be amazing.

Amazing.

I can't go on right now.

- What am I doing?

- Just do it.

I can't. Why did I decide...

They're expecting a headliner.

You're gonna kill,

you're a headliner.

- You're gonna kill.

- I know, but they're like,

everybody says they don't

wanna see female comics,

what am I doing?

I've never been molested.

I'm not fat.

I've only been fat a couple

of times in my life.

Like when I first started college

and right after I was pregnant.

- Is that enough?

- You're gonna do all right.

- Relax. You've gone on stage a million times.

- I'm not a lesbian.

I was a lesbian the exact same

times I was fat, actually.

Me and my mom have

a weird relationship

which is awkward 'cause I live

in her basement apartment.

The other day I actually called and

I heard her walk over to the phone

see it was me calling

and then walk away.

Thanks a lot,

enjoy the rest of the show.

Adrienne. A big hand

for Adrienne.

How many are ready for

the main act tonight?

She's had a long week,

HBO special, she's been on the

Letterman Show, Comedy Central.

A big hand for Bonnie McFarlane.

Thank you, everybody.

Oh. That was is.

I thought there was gonna be

a lot more applause.

I'll deal with it.

I'll deal with it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Here's the thing,

is that I realize

that not everybody likes female

comics, there's one right there.

Um...

- Are you having a good time?

- Yeah.

Oh, OK. Everyone

shows it differently.

That's cool.

You wanna give the death stare to

let me know you're having fun.

Um...

Thank you.

I'm very happy to be here.

This is a real treat...

for you guys.

I'm pretty... pretty good.

I'm a pretty good comic.

- No, I...

- Aww.

Where's the Puerto Rican table?

Someone's lost a baby.

Oh, you gotta be somewhere?

Unbelievable.

Why don't you do

your rapper impression?

That's good. That's good.

Why don't you do your old lady?

What was your other one

that you had?

That's the rapper. Don't you

have another impression?

Come on, we f***ing

talked about this.

Did we work on this?

All right, let's do this.

Um... let's start the bidding.

Um...

Thank you very much, everybody.

Good night.

Yeah, it was funny.

I was cracking up.

Didn't you see me

in the back laughing?

- I didn't, no.

- I was laughing.

- I was too busy concentrating.

- It was good.

- Thank you.

- Funny.

Are women funny?

It's probably something

you can only answer

for yourself.

But if you don't

think they're funny,

you're probably an a**hole.

I asked you not to call me

at this number.

Mr. Hitchens, thank you so much

for agreeing to take

some time out

and talk to us today.

I have a lot of your books and

I'm a big fan of your writing.

Not as big a fan of this

Vanity Fair article,

"Why Women Aren't Funny".

Um, what drove you to write

this article?

Simply because

they're not funny.

Rich, stop it!

Who cares? What the f***

are you doing?

Look at the size, would that

be too big for our room?

Rich, there's a time

and a place.

I know you're doing it 'cause

you think

that you're gonna get on

the thing, but you're not,

because we're already doing

a fake thing.

So if you start doing it,

then it's not gonna work.

Get on with it.

Oh. OK.

So if a man doesn't think somebody's

funny, then they're just not funny?

Are white men the gold standard

for everything entertainment?

I'm sorry...

You lost me, I'm sorry. What?

See, even in this

interview here,

I'm having a hard time

listening to you.

There's just no...

visceral connection here,

whatsoever.

It's like, it's like...

You remind me of one of those

robots in the

Hall of Fame Presidents ride

at Disneyworld.

I see you moving and speaking

and I don't care

'cause there's no true human

connection to anything you're saying.

- No...

- No. Engaging is engaging.

And women are not engaged

unless, of course,

a man buys them a ring

and puts it on their finger.

If the male race could procreate

and reproduce on it's own,

the world would be

a better place.

There's unfortunately

a hindrance,

and a necessary one

that we must plant our seeds

in the belly of you nincompoops.

So that...

We take good with bad

in this life.

- Like, it's just brilliant...

- Rich.

- It's so f***ing funny.

- Oh, good.

- Unbeliev... you gotta practice it.

- All right, enough.

What do you mean?

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