You're Not You

Perfect.

Perfect.

Mm. Promise you'll turn me on

like this on your 70th birthday?

- Promise.

- Yeah?

Mm.

Happy birthday, Katie-cakes.

Thank you.

- I'll see you tonight.

- Yep.

Yep, I'll see you on Tuesday.

The fabric is perfect.

I picked out something

very special for you.

Okay. Bye. I'll see you then.

Look at you,

working all hard over here.

Don't even think about it.

You should have let me

take you out tonight.

Come on, you know I love

this kind of thing.

Yeah.

- Hey, let me grab it.

- No, I got it. It's okay.

- Get the towel.

- Get outta here.

- Alright. Alright.

- Go.

Oh, my God. Look at your body

in that dress.

I look like an unmade bed.

Scallop canapes? Seriously?

- It's nothing. Here.

- Oh, you always say that.

- Oh, please.

- And then you say that.

Oh, plea...

At UT, she turned me down

three times.

It took him two years

to notice me.

So what finally sealed the deal?

That's none of your

damn business.

- Alright, tell 'em.

- You tell 'em

No, no, you tell 'em.

When Bill and I were dating,

he said I looked good drunk.

Is it better than that?

He said, "I like me better

when I'm with you."

- Aw.

- Ohh.

To Kate...

- my gorgeous wife, on her 35th birthday.

- Evan, please.

When I saw you 15 years ago,

I said to myself,

"There's a girl

that I need to know."

And look at you now -

even more amazing.

Happy birthday, Kate.

15 straight.

And we're just getting started.

- I love you.

- I love you.

What is this?

What's wrong?

You know, it's um...

it's beautiful, and I love you so much,

but I just have to

say something.

You guys are royally screwed.

Can't help it.

Your piano's out of tune.

Don't listen to them, Bill.

You sound great.

Thank you.

Hey, care to join me?

- Oh, God, no.

- Come on, Kate.

I haven't heard you play

in years.

Get him off the piano.

- I can't even play Chopsticks now.

- It's not even a choice.

- That's a first.

- Shh.

Oh, sh*t.

Ohh...

Sh*t.

Sh*t!

Sh*t! Sh*t!

Hey, you! Out! Now!

- You wanna go again?

- No. No going again.

- That's not what you said last night.

- Out, now.

- Well, I remember your name.

- Goody.

- Sh*t!

- Bec.

Nobody calls you Rebecca,

except your old lady.

She's on at you business for

being a fifth-year senior.

Please put your pants on.

After switching majors

six times in three years.

- Pants! Now!

- Alright.

You're with your friends.

We don't have to do the whole

number exchange thing, right?

Right. I think I love you!

I know you gotta go.

You know what, let me finish.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, I got this

down to a science, honey.

I gotta go to work

in 40 minutes. Just let me...

I can do it.

Just give me a minute.

Look, I know that

it's important to you.

Just let me finish it. Okay?

There you go.

Did Mrs. Trotter say

she was gonna be late?

She's not coming.

What do you mean?

As in all day she's not coming?

As in I let her go.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. What?

She made me feel like

a patient. I'm not a patient.

Kate. Kate. Katie, listen.

We finally found somebody

who was efficient.

Somebody who I can trust.

Somebody who can be flexible

when I'm running late.

You can't just be making

these decisions without...

- Let me call Miles.

- I'm interviewing for a replacement. Okay?

Okay, this is crazy.

- I'm interviewing...

- Right now?

- For a replacement?

- Go to work and I'll interview her.

Right now? You're

interviewing right now?

Let me interview her,

and you can meet her later.

- No, I don't...

- It's okay.

We'll interview her together.

Oops.

Ah, I'm Bec... Cartwell.

I'm here for the job interview.

Mmm. Thank you.

So... which one of you

plays piano?

- I do. Did.

- Why'd you give it up?

Oh. Uh, right.

I assume you brought a CV?

- Resume.

- Uh, no, I brought a resume.

Um, I found Bec

on the university website.

It says your most recent

place of employment

was the Red Lobster

on the Sam Houston Tollway?

Oh. Wait. Sorry. Wrong one.

Yeah. It's a...

little different than

the one I put in the email.

I kinda padded that one.

So, who was taking care

of you before?

If you don't mind my asking.

Not at all. We had

a lovely woman who moved on.

And before that, my mother.

- Wow, that takes balls.

- Yes. It wasn't perfect.

If it was me and my mother,

it would have been like...

braaghhh, bloodshed

by lunchtime.

I assume housekeeping

isn't in your skill set.

Do you cook?

Any nursing experience?

Tell me, Bec, have you ever seen,

let alone cared for,

someone suffering from

a major degenerative illness?

Not really.

I've read some stuff online.

You read some stuff online.

Okay, well, it was nice to meet you.

I'm sure you're very bright.

What did you mean

by "not really"?

Back in high school,

I volunteered at

a nursing home in Tyler.

Mm-hm.

They stuck my Grammy Jones in

there and I was there a lot.

I didn't put it down

'cause it was a while ago.

Mm.

You got your broccoli,

you got your beets.

Evan, you'll be late.

Carrots.

Got your chopping board.

You got your knife.

After you chop...

- Evan, I can show her.

- Hold on.

You add your vitamins...

...and your immuno-boosts.

Alright?

We wanna keep as many

calories in her as we can.

- Low fat is the enemy...

- Can I talk to you?

Just give me a second to...

Uh, bathroom? Uh...

Yeah, it's straight back

over there.

Sorry.

Alright, this woman

is a nightmare.

She's not a nurse.

How can I trust you'll be okay with her?

Maybe she'll actually

listen to me.

Look, will you please

let me take care of this?

I promise you

I'll make it work. Okay?

Okay?

Bec. Bec, could you please

cut on the cutting board?

Oh, cool.

So, uh... ALS patients live, like, what?

Two to five years?

How long you been sick?

You don't put the broccoli

stems in the blender.

Just the flower heads.

Don't worry,

I'm not trying to calculate

when I'm gonna need to get

another gig.

Just curious where you are

on the timeline.

Um, a year and a half.

That's what gets me

about this disease.

Your mind stays

so f***in' sharp,

while your arms and your legs...

Oh, no!

Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

Okay. First time

for everything.

Okay, cool.

Hey, no rush.

I'm just gonna be...

right here.

- Take your time.

- Bec, I'm going to need some help.

- Uh...

- Getting on.

And I'll need

some assistance after...

...wiping.

What's funny?

It's just this thing

that my roommate Jill says.

She'd rather have cats

than kids,

until kids learn

how to sh*t in a litter box.

Oh, God, you're probably

like a nice...

no-swearing,

no-sex-on-Sunday Baptist...

What I am is a grown woman

who needs help using the bathroom.

Okay, I am

pulling your pants down.

And here go...

your underwear...

Can you skip the commentary?

Okay.

- Why is this thing so f***ing low?

- Bec, your language.

I am unfurling the...

toilet tissue.

Harder please.

What?

Wipe harder, please.

No problem.

Okay, I'm lifting you up,

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