You've Got Mail

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[BEEPING]

FRANK:

Amazing. This is amazing!

Listen to this:

The entire work force of Virginia...

...had Solitaire removed

from their computers...

...because they hadn't done

any work in six weeks.

- That's so sad.

- Do you know what this is?

What we're seeing here is the end of

Western civilization as we know it.

Oh. Hey, aren't you late?

Technology. Name me one thing

that we've gained from technology.

KATHLEEN:

Electricity.

That's one. You think this machine's

your friend, but it's not.

- I'm out of here.

- See you tonight.

- Sushi!

- Sushi!

Bye!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[COMPUTER DIALING AND BEEPING]

MALE AOL VOICE:

Welcome.

You've got mail.

"Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets

of New York as much as I do."

JOE:
Although he likes to eat pizza

and bagel off the sidewalk...

...and I prefer to buy them.

Brinkley is a great catcher who was

offered a tryout on the Mets.

But he chose to stay with me

so he could spend 18 hours a day...

...sleeping on a large green pillow

the size of an inner tube.

Don't you love New York in the fall?

Makes me want to buy school supplies.

PATRICIA:

I'm almost ready.

JOE:
I would send you a bouquet

of newly sharpened pencils...

...if I knew your name and address.

On the other hand,

this not knowing has its charms.

PATRICIA:
Did you push it?

- Yeah.

Yes, I pushed it.

I'm so late.

Random House fired Dick Atkins.

Good riddance.

Murray Chilton died. That's one less person

I'm not speaking to.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Uch!

Vince got a great review.

He'll be insufferable.

Tonight, PEN dinner.

- Am I going?

- Joe Fox, you promised.

It's black-tie.

- Ohh...

- Can't I just give money instead?

What is it this week?

"Free Albanian writers"?

I'm in favor of that.

PATRICIA:

Ohh. Ohh.

Okay, I'll go. I'll go. You're late.

I know, I know.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

MAN:

Good morning, Miss Eden.

[COMPUTER DIALING AND BEEPING]

Who's a happy dog? Who's a happy dog?

MALE AOL VOICE:
Welcome.

- Welcome.

- You've got mail.

- You've got mail.

All right. Okay. Get down, get down.

KATHLEEN:
Dear friend:

I like to start my notes to you...

...as if we're already

in the middle of a conversation.

I pretend that we're the oldest

and dearest friends...

...as opposed to what

we actually are:

People who don't know

each other's names...

...and met in a chat room where we

both claimed we'd never been before.

"What will NY152 say today?"

I wonder.

I turn on my computer.

I wait impatiently as it connects.

I go online...

...and my breath catches in my chest

until I hear three little words:

"You've got mail."

I hear nothing, not even a sound

on the streets of New York.

Just the beat of my own heart.

I have mail...

...from you.

KEVIN:
The electrical contractor called,

his truck hit a deer last night.

So he's not gonna be here

till tomorrow.

And upstairs, the shelves are late...

...because the pine

we ordered has beetles.

JOE:

Very good, very good.

And we got a $50,000 ticket for

construction workers peeing off the roof.

Great. That is great.

Is the electrician here?

I just told you he hit a deer.

I knew you weren't listening to me.

You're right. I wasn't.

"I hear nothing.

Not a sound on the city streets,

just the beat of my own heart."

I think that's how it goes.

Something like that.

You and Patricia got engaged, didn't you?

You can tell me.

- Engaged?

KEVIN:
Come on.

Are you crazy?

I thought you liked Patricia.

I do. I do. I love Patricia.

I love Patricia.

Patricia is... Patricia's amazing.

She makes coffee nervous.

We should announce ourselves

to the neighborhood.

Let them know, here we come.

This is the Upper West Side.

We might as well tell them

we're opening a crack house.

They're going to hate us.

They're gonna be lining up...

BOTH:

To picket the big, bad chain store...

That's out to destroy...

Everything they hold dear.

We're going to seduce them

with our square footage...

...and our discounts

and our deep armchairs...

BOTH:

And our cappuccino.

They're going to hate us

at the beginning...

BOTH:

But we'll get them in the end.

- And you know why?

- Why?

Because we're gonna sell them cheap books

and legal addictive stimulants.

In the meantime,

we'll just put up a big sign:

"Coming soon, a Fox Books Superstore.

The end of civilization...

...as you know it."

KATHLEEN:

Good morning, Christina.

CHRISTINA:

Morning, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN:
It's a beautiful day.

Isn't it just the most beautiful day?

CHRISTINA:

I guess. Yeah, sure.

[HORN HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

DRIVER 1:
Idiot, what are you doing?

DRIVER 2:
I got the green light!

Don't you just love New York in the fall?

Perfect.

Mm. Can't beat that.

Scotch tape? What is going on with you?

Nothing.

- You're in love.

- In love? No.

Oh, yes, that's right!

I'm in love with Frank.

I'm practically living with Frank. Hmm.

Do you think you could get our

Christmas mailers out this week?

Yeah, by Monday, I promise.

I have this paper due Friday.

What is going on?

Nothing, nothing. Nothing at all.

You know, I am just going to

stand here until you tell me.

All right.

Is it infidelity if you're involved

with someone on e-mail?

Have you had sex?

No, I don't even know him.

- I mean cybersex.

- No.

Well, don't do it. The minute you do,

they lose all respect for you.

Well, it's not like that.

We just e-mail. It's really nothing.

On top of which, I'm thinking of

stopping because it's getting...

Out of hand?

Confusing.

But not. Because it's nothing.

Where'd you meet him?

Listen, I can't even remember.

On my birthday, I wandered into

the "over 30" room for a joke, sort of.

And he was there.

And we started chatting.

About what?

Books and music,

how much we both love New York...

Harmless, harmless.

Meaningless.

Bouquets of sharpened pencils. Oh.

Excuse me?

Forget it.

We don't talk about anything personal,

so I don't know his name...

...or what he does

or where he lives exactly...

...so it'll be easy for me to stop

seeing him, because I'm not.

He could be the next person

to walk into the store.

- I know.

CHRISTINA:
He could be...

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

[WHISPERS]

...George.

Morning.

Are you online?

GEORGE:

As far as I'm concerned...

...the Internet is just another way

of being rejected by a woman.

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

Good morning.

Good morning, Birdie.

What are you girls talking about?

Cybersex.

I tried to have cybersex once,

but I kept getting a busy signal.

I know.

I was really depressed

one Saturday night about 9:00...

BIRDIE:

Time to open up!

[PHONE RINGING]

Jessica and Maya, how are you today?

MOTHER:
Want to say hi to Kathleen?

MAYA:
Hi, Kathleen.

GEORGE:

Good morning, Shop Around the Corner.

George speaking. May I help you?

Construction's going well.

We should open on time.

Although Kevin and I are concerned

about the neighborhood response.

This fabric on the couch, what is it?

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