You've Got Mail Page #4

She's part camel.

Joe, right? Joe, isn't it?

And you are Kathleen.

Kathleen Kelly.

Two white wine, please.

I cannot believe that

you were speaking to Joe Fox.

- Joe Fox?

- Joe Fox.

- As in...

- As in...

...he's gonna take over everything.

Fox? Your last name is Fox.

F-O-X.

God! I didn't realize...

I didn't know...

Who you were with?

[IN DEEP VOICE]

I didn't know who you were with.

Excuse me?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

It's from The Godfather.

Sorry, it's from The Godfather.

It's when the movie producer

realizes that Tom Hagen...

...is an emissary of Vito Corleone.

Just before the horse's head

ends up in the bed...

...with all the bloody sheets.

Wakes up and it's:

Aah! Aah! Aahh!

Never mind.

You were spying on me, weren't you?

You probably rented those children.

Why would I spy on you?

Because I am your competition,

which you know...

...or you wouldn't have put up the sign:

"Just around the corner."

Our store entrance is around the corner.

There's no other way to say it.

It's not the name of our store.

It's where it is.

And you do not own the phrase

"around the corner."

KATHLEEN:

What is that?

What are you doing?

What is that? What are you doing?

You're taking all the caviar?

That caviar is a garnish.

The reason I came into your store...

...is because I was spending the day

with Annabel and Matt.

I was buying them presents.

I'm the type of guy who likes to buy

his way into the hearts of children...

...who are his relatives.

There was only one place to find

a children's book in the neighborhood.

That won't always be the case.

And it was yours. And it is...

...a charming little bookstore.

You probably sell, what,

$350,000 worth of books in a year?

How did you know that?

I'm in the book business.

I am in the book business.

JOE:

I see.

And we are the Price Club.

Only instead of a 10-gallon vat

of olive oil for 3.99...

...that won't even fit under your

kitchen cabinet, we sell cheap books.

Me, a spy? Absolutely.

I have in my possession the secret

printout of the sales figures...

...of a bookstore so inconsequential,

yet full of its own virtue...

...that I had to rush over for fear

it will put me out of business.

What? What?

Hey. How you doing? Frank Navasky.

Joe Fox.

- Joe Fox?

- F-O-X.

The inventor of the superstore.

Of course.

The enemy of the mid-list novel.

The destroyer of City Books.

Tell me something, really.

How do you sleep at night?

I use a wonderful over-the-counter drug:

Ultra-dorm.

Don't take the whole thing, just half.

You'll wake up without

even the tiniest hangover.

- You're Frank Navasky, aren't you?

- Yes. Leaving.

PATRICIA:

Your last piece in the Observer...

...about Anthony Powell was brilliant.

- Really?

- Brilliant. Yes.

I'm Patricia Eden.

Hi. Eden Books.

Joe, this man is the greatest

living expert...

...on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

FRANK:

You really liked my...?

This is Kathleen Kelly.

My piece? I just...

You know? I'm flattered.

You write these things.

You think somebody'll mention them.

A week goes by, the phone

doesn't ring and you think:

"I'm a fraud. I'm a failure or something."

You know what fascinated me

about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg?

Is how old they looked,

when they were really just our age.

You know?

Oh, wow, I'm so happy to have

finally met you.

We will talk. Have you ever

thought about doing a book?

It's crossed my mind,

something relevant for today...

...like the Luddite movement in

19th century England. We should talk.

Call me.

JOE:

Hon, have you ever had a caviar garnish?

I had no idea Frank Navasky...

...was going to be so down-to-earth.

You read his stuff...

...you think he's going to be

so obscure and abstruse.

He's always talking about Heidegger...

...and Foucault.

And I have no idea what

any of it's about, really.

[PATRICIA GROANS]

JOE:

I'm not tired. I'm not.

[PATRICIA SNORING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

JOE:
Do you ever feel you've become

the worst version of yourself?

That a Pandora's box of

all the secret, hateful parts...

...your arrogance, your spite...

...your condescension...

...has sprung open?

Someone provokes you,

and instead of smiling...

...and moving on, you zing them?

"Hello, it's Mr. Nasty."

I'm sure you have no idea

what I'm talking about.

KATHLEEN:
No, I know what you mean,

and I'm completely jealous.

What happens to me when I'm provoked

is that I get tongue-tied. My mind goes...

Blank.

Then I spend all night

tossing and turning...

...trying to figure out

what I should've said.

What should I have said,

for example, to the...

Bottom-dweller...

...who recently belittled

my existence?

Nothing.

Nothing. Even now.

Even now...

Days later...

- I can't figure it out.

JOE:
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could

pass all my zingers to you?

Then I'd never behave badly

and you could behave badly all the time.

And we'd both be happy.

On the other hand, I must warn you:

When you finally have the pleasure

of saying the thing you mean to say...

...at the moment you mean to say it,

remorse inevitably follows.

Do you think we should meet?

Meet?

Oh, my God...

Seventy-two twenty-seven.

This is a cash-only line.

- What?

- Cash only.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I just have a credit card.

I'm sorry. Is that okay?

MAN:

No, it's not okay.

There's a sign.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

I never do this, but I'm asking you to

make an exception in this one case.

MAN:

You have no cash?

- She has no cash.

- No, she has no cash.

Get on another line, lady.

I have a dollar. That's all.

I have a dollar. One dollar.

- Is there anything you can do?

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi. You need some money?

No, I do not need any money.

Thank you very much.

CASHIER:
Get in another line.

- Hi.

Rose.

That is a great name. Rose.

This is Kathleen. I'm Joe...

And I'm Henry.

Henry, how are you? Happy holidays.

This is a credit card machine.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's your turn to say

"Happy Thanksgiving" back.

Happy Thanksgiving back.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

JOE:
Orange.

Orange who?

"Orange" you going to give us a break...

...by zipping this credit card

through the credit card machine?

Come on, you can do it.

Zip, zip.

There you go.

Rose?

That is a great name.

So you're fine.

Fine.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Henry, happy Thanksgiving.

I'm so sorry. Really.

- I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

HENRY:
So sign already!

- I'd like to get home for the parade.

ROSE:
You have my pen.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[SINGING "TOMORROW"]

NELSON:
Wonderful!

ANNABEL:
Thank you.

[SINGING "THE ORCHESTRA SONG"]

I got it.

KATHLEEN:
It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

Do you know that Joni Mitchell song?

I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Such a sad song. And not

really about Christmas at all.

But I was thinking about it tonight

as I was decorating my Christmas tree.

Unwrapping funky ornaments

made of Popsicle sticks...

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