You've Got Mail Page #5

...and missing my mother so much

I almost couldn't breathe.

I always miss my mother at Christmas.

But somehow it is worse this year

since I need some advice from her.

I need her to make me some cocoa...

...and tell me that everything that's

going badly in my life will sort itself out.

JOE:
What kind of advice do you need?

Can I help?

KATHLEEN:

Can you help?

I wish you could help.

I wish...

[GASPS]

JOE:
I had a gut feeling

you'd be online now.

Hi.

I can give you advice.

I'm great at advice.

Uh-oh.

KATHLEEN:

If only you could help.

Hmm.

JOE:

Is it about love?

Please say no.

No. How cute is that?

KATHLEEN:

My business is in trouble.

Huh.

Well...

JOE:

I'm a brilliant businessman.

It's what I do best.

What's your business?

No. Mm-mm.

KATHLEEN:

No specifics. Remember?

Okay.

JOE:
Well, minus specifics,

it's hard to help except to say...

...go to the mattresses.

"Except to say go to the matt..."

What?

What does that mean?

JOE:
It's from The Godfather.

It means you have to go to war.

What is it with men and The Godfather?

Hello?

Oh, come on. Hello?

Well...

[IMITATING MARLON BRANDO]

Well, what can I...

Michael...

JOE:

The Godfather is the I Ching.

The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom.

The Godfather is the answer

to any question.

What should I pack

for my summer vacation?

"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

What day of the week is it?

"Monday, Tuesday,

Thursday, Wednesday."

The answer to your question is:

"Go to the mattresses."

You're at war.

"It's not personal, it's business.

It's not personal. It's business."

Recite that to yourself every time

you feel you're losing your nerve.

I know you worry about being brave.

Don't.

This is your chance.

Fight!

Fight to the death!

Fight to the death.

It's not personal.

It's business. Just fight!

Fight, fight, fight!

[DOOR CLOSES]

FRANK:
Hey.

- Hey.

I've been thinking.

- Frank.

- What?

I've decided to go the mattresses.

Do you think it would be a conflict of

interest if you wrote about the store?

- Yes.

- Yes?

No.

So you'll do it?

Yes. Yes.

Do you know what it is

to go to the mattresses?

From The Godfather.

[PHONE RINGING]

GEORGE:

Good morning, Shop Around the Corner.

George speaking, may I help you?

CHRISTINA:
Kathleen,

the Channel 2 truck just pulled up.

KATHLEEN:

In a second.

CHRISTINA:

Everyone's read the article.

BIRDIE:
"So you do not have to look

to the usual places...

...where good and evil face off...

...the places Herodotus called

'the happy land of absolutes.'

We have the perfect example

here on the West Side...

...where the cold cash cow, Fox Books...

...threatens survival of a temple...

...to one of the twentieth century's

most profound truths:

BOTH:

You are what you read."

I believe that.

BIRDIE:

"Save The Shop Around the Corner...

...and you will save your soul."

Frank, that's charming.

Think it's a little over the top?

GEORGE:
That was The Village Voice.

I told them to come over whenever.

Oh, man.

Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee.

[CHANTING]

One, two, three, four!

We don't want your superstore!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Go away and close the gate!

One, two, three, four!

"We don't want this superstore."

- Is that what they're saying?

- Catchy.

- Well, who wrote that?

NELSON:
Annoying.

Pissing me off, actually.

KATHLEEN:

Do you want the West Side...

...to become one big, gigantic strip mall?

CROWD:

No!

Do you want to get off the subway

at 72nd and Broadway...

...and not even know

you're in New York City?

Can we save

The Shop Around the Corner?

CROWD:

Yes!

We're here in front of

The Shop Around the Corner...

...the famous West Side

children's bookstore...

...now on the verge of having

to close its doors...

...because the big bad wolf,

Fox Books...

...has opened only

a few hundred feet away...

...wooing customers with its sharp

discounts and designer coffee.

They have to have discounts and lattes...

...because their workers

have never read a book.

She's not as nice as she seems on TV.

- You met her?

- Yeah.

Boy, she's a pill.

Probably ain't as fine

as she look on TV either.

Oh, no, no. She's beautiful.

But she's a pill.

KEVIN:

You don't feel bad...

...about sending her ass back

to the projects with food stamps?

Broke, single, white lady.

It's not personal.

- It's business.

- Yeah.

Hey, here's a good-looking guy!

I sell cheap books. I do. So sue me.

REPORTER:
And that, in a nutshell,

is the Fox Books philosophy.

That's what you said?

REPORTER:

Discount them and sell them.

That's not all I said.

I can't believe those bastards.

I said we were great!

I said you could read for hours

and no one will bother you.

I said we had 150,000 titles. I showed

them the New York City section.

I said we were a goddamn piazza.

A place in this city where

people could mingle.

Piazza?

I was eloquent!

- Sh*t!

- A piazza.

It's inevitable. People want

to turn her into Joan of Arc.

And you into Attila the Hun.

Not me personally,

but the company, yeah.

I have met Joe Fox.

I've heard him compare

his store to a Price Club...

...and the books in it

to cans of olive oil.

The bookstore, tell us about it.

The Shop Around the Corner has

a kind of Jeffersonian purity to it...

...that the city needs in order

to maintain historical integrity.

SIDNEY-ANN:

Jeffersonian purity.

That was nice. Thank you.

Thank you. Sounded good.

- Are you taping this?

- Yeah, I'm taping this.

Technologically speaking,

the world's out of hand.

Take the VCR.

The whole idea behind the VCR

is that it makes it possible...

...for you to tape what's on TV

when you leave the house.

The whole idea

behind leaving the house...

...is so you can miss

what's on television.

- I've heard you say that before.

- She hasn't.

SIDNEY-ANN:

Absolutely.

Right.

FRANK:

She gets it.

Radio. There's a medium

I can get behind.

You gonna start collecting radios now?

SIDNEY-ANN:

We're on television.

- You're good at it.

- No, no, no.

KATHLEEN:

Frank.

She's coming on to you.

They do this on television.

FRANK:

The Shop Around the Corner...

...it's a true New York treasure.

As are you.

[FRANK LAUGHS]

Honestly, I'd love to have you back.

KATHLEEN:

Is she sweating?

She's touching herself.

And she's sweating.

Anytime.

We can turn it off.

Oh, my God.

I just want to say that

yours is the only show I watch.

Oh, my God.

No. I was being polite.

- Thank you, Frank Navasky.

- No, thank you're.

"Thank you're"? I'm sorry.

Thank you're?

Thank you're, ladies and gentlemen.

I slobbered all over her, didn't I?

But I think that there's something there.

GEORGE:
So first, I gotta go get

some eucalyptus candles...

...because it makes

my apartment smell mossy.

Then I'm going to the market,

and I can't decide whether to get...

...sausage for the meat sauce,

or chopped meat.

Spare us.

GEORGE:

You know what? Clam sauce.

Because this is a big date.

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