You've Got Mail Page #6

[DOOR CLOSES]

Don't tell me.

Not the slightest difference?

How can that be?

All this publicity

and not one bit of difference?

Birdie, what am I going to do?

What would Mom have done?

Well, let's ask her.

Cecilia, what should we do?

- Birdie?

- Shh.

She has no idea.

But she thinks

the window display is lovely.

- Good night, dearie.

- Good night.

KATHLEEN:

I need help.

Do you still want to meet me?

JOE:
I would love to meet you.

Where? When?

So I suppose she's carrying a copy

of a book with a flower in it?

Not really?

She could be a real dog, man.

I'm only staying 10 minutes.

I'll say hello, have a cup of coffee

and then I'll split.

Hope she doesn't have a squeaky voice

like the mice in Cinderella.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I compelled to meet her? Why?

Relax. You're just taking it

to the next level.

I always do that.

I always take a relationship

to the next level.

If that works out, I take it

to the next level after that.

Till I reach that level where

it becomes absolutely necessary...

...for me to leave.

Huh. I won't stay that long anyway.

I already said that, didn't I?

- Yes, you did.

- Oh!

JOE:

Well, okay. Caf Lalo. This is it.

Eight o'clock.

We got here fast, didn't we?

Kevin...

...this woman is the most adorable creature

I've ever been in contact with.

If she turns out even to be

as good-looking as a mailbox...

...l'd be crazy not to turn my life

upside down and marry her.

She could be a real dog.

But good luck.

Would you go and look for me?

Go look through the window

and check her out. Please?

All right.

- You're pathetic, man.

- Ha-ha-ha.

KEVIN:

All right. I'll see what I see.

You see her?

Oh, wait, yeah.

I see a very beautiful girl.

She's fine. She's fine.

- I knew it.

- She's gorgeous.

I knew she would be.

But no book.

[CHUCKLES]

All right. Okay, wait. Wait a minute.

There's a book with a flower.

So this got to be her.

What does she look like?

Can't see. Waiter's blocking.

Damn it!

Hold on, he's moving.

- Yeah?

- Uh...

JOE:

Can you see her?

Can you see her?

Yeah.

And?

She's very pretty.

She is!

I knew she would be! She had to be!

She had to be!

You know what?

She look...

I mean, she almost has

the same coloring as...

...that Kathleen Kelly person.

- Kathleen Kelly of the bookstore?

Why not? You thought she was attractive.

Absolutely. Why not?

Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

Well, if you don't like Kathleen Kelly...

...I can tell you right now...

...you ain't gonna like this girl.

Why not?

Because it is Kathleen Kelly.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

You just gonna let her

wait there all night?

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Good night. I'll see you in the morning.

Do you mind if I borrow this chair?

Yes, I mind. Sorry.

I'm expecting someone.

Would you like another tea?

Yes. Thank you.

[DOOR OPENS]

JOE:

Kathleen Kelly.

Hello. This is a coincidence.

Would you mind if I sat down?

Yes, I would, actually.

I'm expecting someone.

Pride and Prejudice.

Do you mind?

I bet you read that book every year.

I bet you just love that...

...Mr. Darcy.

Your sentimental heart beats wildly

at the thought he and...

...whatever her name is are truly,

honestly going to end up together.

WAITER:
Can I get you something?

- No, he's not staying.

Mochaccino decaf, nonfat.

You are not staying.

I'll just stay here

until your friend gets here.

Gee, is he late?

The heroine of Pride and Prejudice

is Elizabeth Bennet.

She is a great and complex character.

Not that you would know.

As a matter of fact, I've read it.

Oh, well, good for you.

You'd discover a lot

if you really knew me.

I know what I'd find.

Instead of a brain, a cash register.

Instead of a heart, a bottom line.

What?

- I just had a breakthrough.

- What is it?

For the first time, when confronted

with a horrible, insensitive person...

...I knew exactly what I

wanted to say, and I said it.

You have a gift for it. That was a

perfect blend of poetry and meanness.

Meanness?

Let me tell you about meanness.

Don't misunderstand me.

I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

- What are you doing?

- What is this?

Is this a red rose?

No, it's a crimson rose.

Something you read about in a book.

It's funny to you, isn't it?

Everything is a joke to you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Please leave.

Please leave, I beg you.

Thank you.

[KATHLEEN WINCES]

That hanky reminds me

of the first day I met you.

First day you lied to me.

- I didn't lie to you.

- You did too.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.

- I did not.

- You did too.

I thought that Fox stuff

was so charming. F-O-X.

I didn't lie about it.

- Joe? "Just call me Joe."

- Sure.

As if you were a stupid

22-year-old girl with no last name.

"Hi, I'm Kimberly."

"Hi, I'm Janice."

Don't they know you're

supposed to have a last name?

It's like an entire generation

of cocktail waitresses.

Look.

- I am not a 22-year-old cocktail waitress.

- That's not what I meant.

When I said the thing about

the Price Club and olive oil...

...that's not what I meant.

You poor, sad multimillionaire.

I feel so sorry for you.

[DOOR OPENS]

I'll take a wild guess

that's not him, either.

So who is he, I wonder?

Certainly not

the world's greatest expert...

...on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

But somebody else entirely different.

Will you be mean to him too?

No, I will not.

The man who is coming here

is completely unlike you.

The man who is coming here

is kind and funny.

He's got a wonderful sense of humor.

But...

...he's not here.

If he's not, he has a reason...

...because there is not a cruel

or careless bone in his body.

I wouldn't expect you to understand

anybody like that.

You with your theme park, multi-level,

homogenize-the-world Mochaccinoland.

You've deluded yourself that you're a

benefactor bringing books to the masses.

But no one will ever

remember you, Joe Fox.

And maybe no one will remember me.

But plenty of people

remember my mother.

They think she was fine.

They think her store

was something special.

You are nothing but a suit.

That's my cue.

Good night.

[COMPUTER DIALING AND BEEPING]

PATRICIA:
So then the agent asks

for $600,000 and I said to her:

"If you think I'm even

going to talk to you...

...about paying that kind

of advance for an author...

...whose last book is being used

as a trivet all over the world...

...you are completely crazy."

She was insulting and provocative

and the only thing pleasant about her...

...was the way her hair

fell across her forehead.

Underneath that disagreeable

exterior, she may be...

JOE:

A real b*tch.

Let's not talk about it.

I'm going back to the office

and I'm sure you have work to do.

Not really.

This place is a well-oiled machine,

my friend.

So? What happened?

- He never came.

- He stood you up.

KATHLEEN:

I wouldn't characterize it that way.

I think something happened.

Something unexpected that

made it impossible for him to...

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