You Can't Cheat an Honest Man

- Come on, let's sit down.

- I don't want to sit down.

- Well, then, let's dance.

- And I don't want to dance.

- What's the matter with you tonight?

- I'm tired of being subtle.

Scram. B-o-t-p.

Beat it off the porch.

All right, Phineas Whipsnade,

but let me tell you something.

- I'll never buy gas for your car again.

- Aw...

- You care for some punch?

- No, thanks.

Impossibly stuffy in there.

- It was.

- I guess my collar's wilted.

It's lucky I brought a change.

As I was saying, Mother will be upset

about not going to Europe.

She'll miss her Baden-Baden.

Baths, you know.

- We're going to Bermuda.

- That'll be nice.

- You'd like Bermuda.

- I'm sure I would.

- Vicky, why don't you?

- Roger, I believe I'll have some punch now.

Punch? Did you say punch?

Oh. Excuse me.

- Well?

- Well what?

- When's the wedding?

- What wedding?

You didn't turn him down again?

Phineas, I've told you a million times,

I'm not in love with Roger, so forget it.

Love! You give me a pain in the neck.

The guy's gonna get a pile of dough when

he marries, and he's begging you to take it.

- I'm not interested.

- One sister, and she has to be a half-wit.

- That's enough.

- Listen, sister dear...

Roger will get tired of being pushed around,

and grab someone that isn't so dumb.

- As usual, Phineas, you have an angle?

- Sure I have.

Straight from the shoulder, you get a rich

husband, I get a job in his father's bank.

- And I'm going inside.

- Wait a minute, Vicky.

If you won't think of your own future,

think of the old man.

- What's Dad got to do with it?

- I know he's having a plenty tough time.

He could use help now after all

he's gone through to keep us in college.

- His last letter said everything was fine.

- Sure.

His letter also said the circus would be

in Bridgetown yesterday, but where was he?

I tell you he's in hock up to his ears.

- I don't believe it.

- OK. Go on your merry way.

Let the old man wind up

behind the eight ball.

I'm sorry. Oh, Phineas.

- Hello, Roger. That's a swell new car.

- Sixteen cylinders.

It is? How's chances I use it

for a few minutes?

Surely. Have the driver take you

any place you want to go.

- Who is it, new girl?

- Same one.

Oh.

Where are we going?

Sorry to be so long,

but I was standing in the line.

Hah! Hyah!

Come on, step on it!

He'll get away!

You'll have to do better, Sheriff.

He'll be across that state line.

I'm doing the best I can.

- Maybe you can get more speed out of it.

- I got her down on the floorboard now.

He got away from us.

This is as far as I can go.

I'll chase him

through every state in the union.

Take me back to the sheriff's office.

~ 7-70... 75, 80 ~

~ Almost out of money ~

It's open! Come on!

Get your tickets at the box office.

The big show is about to s...

What's that, little girl?

No, I am not the good-humour man.

- The big show is about to start!

- One, please.

Thank you. Here's a seat

in front of the elephant.

- See the whole show.

- Two.

Thank you very much.

Down in front of the elephant...

- Count... your change before leaving.

- Thank you.

One right in front...

Hip! The big show is now going on!

No seats...

Pardon me.

I wish you fellas would keep...

Count your... Keep your hands

off my lunch, will you?

Count your change

before leaving the window.

Thank you.

My chapeau.

What are you doing there?

You don't want no trouble

with the unions, do you?

- I pay union wages.

- Which kind, the maxi-um or the mini-um?

The maxi-um or the mini-um.

You slay me.

Do svidanya, what's going on here now?

What's the idea?

I'm Colonel Dalrymple's nephew Chester,

your new assistant.

That doesn't give you

the right to kiss me.

- Hey, you got a match?

- Yeah.

Count your change

before leaving the window!

Mister, I'm supposed to pay you

$8 a week to learn me this business.

You can't do that.

The union says...

- You keep outta this.

- No, I won't.

The union said the mini-um wage

on assistants is 15 smacks a week.

Oh-ho, he's right.

I beg your pardon, young man.

He's quite right. Fifteen.

How much you got in there?

Fourteen dollars.

Another dollar, please.

- Fifteen is right, isn't it?

- That's right.

- Fourteen. Have you a half a dollar?

- Hey, I don't get it.

I got it, and I'm gonna keep it.

Count your change

before leaving the window.

- Two four-bit ducats.

- Thank you very much. A $10 bill.

Ten smackers.

Thank you very much.

There you are. That's one.

That's two, three...

Uh, pardon me.

Got a little pneumonia here.

Two, three, four...

- Step on it!

- I won't walk another step.

Make him drag you, lady.

He got you drunk.

Three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten.

You gave me a $20 bill, did you?

10 and 10 is 20.

Count your change before leaving!

- You take the Wagner act.

- We had 'em last summer.

The worst acrobats I ever saw.

Liquor addicts.

That guy talks too much.

He counted "3, 4, 5" three times.

- Ain't it dishonest to keep it?

- He'd do the same if he had a chance.

Here, I'll split it with you.

One, two...

Why, there's only $5 here.

He's doubled the bills. Look.

- He tricked us?

- He thinks he has. Come on.

- Listen, you'll hear from me.

- Fine. Don't telegraph, write.

- There's been a mistake in my change.

- At long last, an honest man.

- Wanna return some money?

- No! I'm short.

Don't brag about it.

I'm only 5'8" myself.

I'm short in my money.

No mistakes rectified

after leaving the window.

- You're dishonest.

- Dishonest?

- Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego.

- You cheated us.

Sir, you impugn my honour.

As my dear old Grandfather Litvak said,

just before they sprung the trap,

he said, "You can't cheat an honest man."

"Never give a sucker an even break

or smarten up a chump."

- We want what's comin' to us.

- I'm gonna get it, too.

- You are?

- Yeah.

- You too?

- Come on, give it to us.

You are certainly both gonna get it.

What do you mean by?

You can't do this.

- Get out.

- He cheated.

That's libellous.

Demon rum. My heart bleeds

for those poor boys.

- We're being gypped.

- It looks like it.

- We do the work and don't get any money.

- I'll have to talk to Whipsnade.

- Talk? Action, that's what we need.

- What can we do?

I've been reconnoitring,

and I know where he keeps his money.

Charlie. So what?

- I want to get my hooks on it.

- Stay away from that box office.

You gotta fight fire with fire,

crooks with crookery.

Forget it.

- Bergen.

- Yes?

- He takes a shower every day at 2:00.

- I said forget it.

All right.

Just thinking, that's all.

Giddap, Napoleon.

~ Try-de-die ~

Thank you. Step right up.

The big show is now going on.

- It's time for the sideshow, Mr Ribsteak.

- Ribsteak.

You don't mean sirloin with onions,

by any chance, do you?

It's Whipsnade!

Gimme that ticket, you lug.

Gimme that ticket, you coot.

Give it to me!

Agh! Broken my metatarsal bone.

Ladies and gentlemen, this way.

Right up on this platform.

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