You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #2

The world's greatest novelty -

the Pronkwonk Twins,

Elwood and Brentwood.

Elwood is ten minutes older

than Brentwood

and has been in a hurry ever since.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brentwood

is the smallest giant in the world

whilst his brother Elwood

is the largest midget in the world.

They baffle science.

- He's dishonest.

- Quiet.

- Listen to that guy lie.

- Quiet, you termites' flophouse.

Did you hear that?

That's the last straw.

I'm going.

Now if you'll take one short step with me

to the next...

Wah!

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Upsa-daisy.

What a floperoo.

Ladies and gentlemen,

on this platform

we have The Great Edgar

and his whispering pine,

Charlie McCarthy.

They baffle science.

Are you eating a tomato,

or is that your nose?

- Shh.

- Oh.

Very good, very good, Charles.

You must come with me after the show

to the lumberyard

and ride piggyback on the buzz saw.

Nobody's gonna find me after the show.

Yes, they are. You'll be hanging

in my window as a Venetian blind.

That makes me "shutter".

Quiet, or I'll throw a woodpecker on you.

So help me, I'll clip that guy.

I'll mow him down.

- Just be quiet.

- I don't care.

For my first experiment,

I call your attention to this mystic cabinet.

Mystic hooey.

- This cabinet is entirely unprepared.

- So are you.

- It consists of three walls...

- And a false bottom. You can see it. Ohh!

- Will you stop it?

- Will you stop that?

This, ladies and gentlemen,

is the little maharajah.

- Where?

- No, you.

Me? Oh, yes. How do you do,

how do you do, how do you do?

- Well, hello.

- Hello.

- Ohh!

- Will you sit back?

My name is Charlie,

but I don't get billing.

- Will you let me finish this experiment?

- Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!

We'll go ahead, and I'll cause this little man

to completely disappear.

- You'll do what?

- And then reappear.

You'd better.

Bet him eight to five he can't,

and I'll double-cross him.

- Are you ready? Are you ready?

- For lunch?

- No, the experiment.

- Oh, yes, yes.

Go ahead. Take it away.

Wait a minute.

What's your phone number? Ooh!

- Will you sit back?

- OK.

- Now we'll go...

- Don't go away.

~ Zazazay, zazazay, za-ow! ~

I now call upon the powers of Yagabamba.

Go!

One smoked ham coming up.

Fine. Now to prove the cabinet is empty

and the maharajah has disappeared,

I will force this sword right through.

- Not yet, not yet, not yet.

- Ahem. Hurry up.

- One, two...

- OK.

Ouch!

There you see for yourself, he has gone.

Now, as quickly as the bullet flies from

the magic pistol, the maharajah shall return.

Oh, you got me.

And there he is.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

- I don't know.

- You don't know.

- Charlie set it up.

- So Charlie's in back of this.

Is he? He said it would

make the trick twice as good.

He did? Well, you've made the trick

just twice as bad.

- Tsk. Is that so?

- Yes.

- It was twice as something.

- Will you get out of here?

Yes, ma'am. Charlie,

will you let me down? Ooh!

That concludes my performance,

ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

- The big show is now going on!

- Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

Count your change

before leaving the box office.

- Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

- Uh, street gabber?

Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

Uh, messenger boy?

- Thank you.

- Larceny Whipsnake?

Gimme that telegram.

It's not "Larceny", it's "Larson E."

And it's not "Whipsnake",

it's "Whipsnade".

- OK, Snake, how about a tip?

- I'll give you a tip.

I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.

It's an air raid.

Wish that was a gun.

I'd shoot you deader than a mackerel!

That's what I'd do to you, you...

What's that?

Well, I guess you're satisfied.

That's what I thought.

I wanna tell you something.

As long as you're with this show,

cut out those peccadilloes.

There's too much of the tomboy in you.

There you go. Get me up!

Get me up!

Give me a hand.

- How about a ticket?

- I got a dog on my foot.

Now he's biting me. Aah!

...before leaving the box office.

No mistakes rectified!

Boss? It's time for your bath, sir.

How time flies.

Seems only yesterday it was Monday.

- You sure runs on schedule.

- Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Don't open that door until I come back.

I can hear the bell.

Boss, the sword-swallower's got tonsillitis.

Can't go on.

Tears of Falstaff.

I haven't swallowed a sword in 20 years.

I'm taking on the personality

of a Mexican jumping bean.

First the contortionist gets rheumatism,

then the sword-swallower gets tonsillitis.

Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer.

Till I get rid of this cold, anyway.

What is that?

Ah, c'est bon, as they say in French.

Perfume de la mountain goat.

Come on, Queenie,

let go of that provender and give.

Give, Queenie! Give, Queenie!

Come on!

Good girl.

Hold it in your trunk a little longer.

Try to heat it up a bit.

~ I'd rather have two girls at 21 each ~

~ Than one girl at 42 ~

Enough!

Gimme a towel.

- These aren't big enough to dry your face on.

- Maybe you better use less water.

Quite right there.

Uh-uh.

- Now, boss, look out.

- What is it?

- There's ladies.

- I thought the cassowaries got loose again.

You better put on your robe.

You might catch cold.

Yeah, thanks. Thank you.

Uh-oh.

Uh, uh and uh.

40 cents and 5 makes 45.

Five more makes half a buck.

Ooh, money, money, money, money.

Beautiful Whipsnade money.

Oh, help! Bergen, help!

Bergen, help! Help!

Help! Ohh, help.

- Charlie? Have you seen Charlie?

- No.

Charlie?

- Have you seen Charlie?

- No, I haven't.

- Charlie!

- Bergen!

Bergen!

Charlie. Blacaman!

Blacaman, the lions have got Charlie.

Bergen?

Ohh, poor Charlie.

- That's that.

- Bergen, help! Help!

Charlie? Charlie.

- It's about time you got here.

- Which one are you in?

- How do I know? Get me out of all of them.

- Blacaman. How did you get in there?

Don't change the subject.

How do I get out?

- Charlie's in one of these animals.

- Come on, boys.

I'm just north of his liver.

Oh, boy.

- Come in!

- Oui, that is he.

Will you help him?

We'll have you out in a minute.

All right.

I wish I had a flashlight.

OK.

Easy, boys. Easy.

What are you doing, dancing or wrestling?

Easy, boys. Easy, boys.

Easy.

Ah, ah. Ah, daylight.

Oh, Blackie, old boy, boy.

Wait a minute, Blackie.

My foot's caught on a tonsil.

Open it up! Open it up!

Open up. Open it...

Oh, don't do that. Leave it open.

Get me out of here.

Get me out of here.

Oh! Oh, you dog, you.

- Oh, dear.

- You'll be all right in a few minutes.

I never want to go

through anything like that again.

Alors, alors...

Oh! Oh, excuse me, Blackie.

Yeah. Oh, merci beaucoup,

Blackie old pal. Yeah.

Pay attention.

I didn't go in there.

Whipsnade threw me in.

Whipsnade?

Ah...

- That goes double, the snake.

- Yes. You say Whipsnade threw you in?

- Yes, he did.

- Why?

I don't know.

I'm innocent. Innocent.

- Charlie, look at me.

- What?

- Have you been in that box office again?

- Ohh... Yes. Yes, I have.

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