You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #3

- Haven't I told you?

- But I didn't get anything.

- But Whipsnade caught you?

- Yes, he did, yes.

- What did you say?

- He owed us money, and I wanted action.

- Mm. And?

- And believe me, I certainly got it.

- Have you seen those things? Whoa!

- You'll be all right now.

- Charlie, this has gone far enough.

- You mean we can pack up?

- After the next performance.

- Thank you.

Let's get out of here.

My life ain't worth a dime.

~ Gwine to work all night,

gwine to work all day ~

~ Makes no difference

what the boss man say ~

~ You ain't gonna get no pay ~

Break it up.

Say, who's the head Ubangi around here?

- The head what?

- The head eageroonie.

You ain't referring

to one of us coloured boys, are you?

I'm referring to the head Ubangi.

I want to tell him how to make an easy $5.

Oh, you mean the head Ubangi,

the head eageroonie.

Look here, yeah,

I assumes that portfolio.

- All you do is hold an apple on your head.

- Oh, that's easy.

I bound around the ring

on a wild Percheron stallion.

Then I take my .404 elephant gun,

and I try to...

try to shoot an apple off your head.

- Try?

- Who's been fooling with that?

What are you looking for?

Nobody there.

There must be.

You ain't talkin' to me.

Ha. I'll tell you what to do.

Get a dozen or two apples,

because I may miss eight or nine...

Hey!

~ Oh, ze, oh, zazu za

zazu za zu ze - ~

Act nonchalant.

~ Da da-da da... ~

Ladies and gentlemen,

the next act on the programme

is Buffalo Bella,

the only bearded-lady sharpshooter

in the world!

- Here he comes now.

- OK.

~ Help yourself to popcorn,

the rocks are in the box ~

- What is all this mumbling?

- Just singing. That's all.

- Shh-shh. Singing.

- All right.

All right. It's OK.

Come on, Bregasus. Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the largest

Shetland pony in the world.

Come on, Bregasus.

OK, you ready? Ready? Re...

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

- Ready what?

- That's his name. Red.

- Oh.

- That's his name.

Whoa.

Shooting glass balls whilst perched

on the back of a wild Percheron pony.

~ And name rhymes with aim, ahh ~

Oh, a bull's-eye. Ha-ha.

Evidently a Ubangi in the fuel supply.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, ahem.

Hide it. Ahem.

- Enjoying it?

- Yes, thank you.

- He's very clever.

- Yes. He seldom misses.

- What?

- Oh, I mean...

- He hasn't hit anything yet.

- What do you mean?

Quiet, quiet, stranger.

- What's that?

- I don't know the kid.

~ Die da-die da-die ~

~ Oh, hidey-hodey, better loady ~

~ Za zazu ~

I wish to reiterate - whilst bounding

around the ring on this wild Percheron...

~ Now the coast is clear,

Oh, where there's smoke there's fire ~

~ I'd feel more rosy

if you'd hit him on the nosey ~

~ Oh, zazu za... ~

Oh-oh.

Scram, kid. Scram.

That, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes my performance.

Oh!

I've bagged a covey of acrobats.

Beg your pardon, Miss.

Can you tell me where I can find Whipsnade?

Uh... No.

My name's Schickelgruber.

Gretel Schickelgruber.

Better known as Buffalo Bella.

I thought Buffalo Bella

was a bearded lady.

Yes, I just came from the barbershop.

Such a close shave I feel naked.

- Hey, come here.

- Wait a minute.

- No, wait.

- No, no.

I used to be one

of the Schickelgruber Sisters.

Remember them?

"Hi, lovely dumpling..."? "Slack wire"?

Would you like to make

a few honest dollars for yourself?

Do they have to be honest?

I bought the credit accounts of this circus,

and I'm in control.

I'll buy your IOUs

for ten cents on the dollar.

When I own the circus,

I'll give you half-interest

and we'll rename it

"Buffalo Bella's Wild West".

Won't that be ducky?

Oh, that'll be wonderful.

- Are you interested in any other man?

- Aah!

I'm not the girl you take me for,

you baddums, you.

You baddums, you old baddums.

You too.

You baddums, you.

You baddums.

I'm going to take your watch

and put my picture in it.

I'll be back sometime. Maybe.

Hello there, Miss Victoria.

How are ya?

Fine, Ernie. Thanks.

- You're quite a stranger around here.

- That's not my fault.

Hello, Bill. Henry.

Murph.

Gonna pass me up, were you?

- Miss Vicky, I never knowed ya.

- I'll forgive you if you tell me where Dad is.

- I reckon he's in the sideshow.

- Fine. See ya later.

Let go. Let go, I tell ya.

Oh, it's you.

Not another cent.

You kids are disgusting.

Standing around here all day,

reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

Mister, I want more candy.

My little dog died.

Your dog died? I don't care.

Come here.

Your elephant stepped on him

and squashed him.

My elephant stepped on your dog

and squashed him?

- Where is he?

- I shoved him under the door.

You shoved him under the door.

Disgusting.

Here. Here's a quarter.

Buy another dog.

That ain't enough!

I want a big dog!

A big dog'll bite ya. Now go ahead.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Go ahead. Go ahead, buy your dog.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wait a minute.

That's your dog, isn't it?

- I guess he got better.

- I guess he did.

- Gimme back that money.

- No!

- What's this?

- Was ist los?

Oh, nothing's lost.

Everything's OK.

Fortunate for you you got a dress on,

or I'd bust you in the nose.

Now you can see for yourself,

he has gone.

As quickly as the bullet flies from this

magic pistol, the maharajah will return.

You missed me a mile.

- And there he is.

- Where?

Well... My friend, we must not attempt

to understand the supernatural.

At least he has disappeared.

Are there any questions?

Yeah.

How do you get out of here?

- Right here.

- Where are you?

In front.

- You don't know what I've been through.

- Come out.

- I can't come out.

- Why not?

- I'm caught on a nail.

- You're not.

- I am. I'll show you.

- Charlie, come out.

Stop this monkey business.

We have the next trick.

- What trick?

- Where I saw you in two.

That oughta be...

You do what? Oh, no.

- Will you come out?

- I'm not here.

- Yes, you are.

- I'm in conference.

- Whose idea was that, Whipsnade's?

- Yes.

- That's enough. Goodbye.

- Charlie.

Let go of me. Let...

Hey, Rube!

- Charlie...

- He stuck a knife in me.

I st... He stuck a... Ohh.

- Who's that?

- Princess Baba.

- Bow-wow?

- No. Baba.

- Goo-goo.

- No, Princess Baba.

- She's my new assistant.

- Mine too?

She holds your head in the next trick.

- She does?

- Yes.

- Why are you keeping me in here?

- You said...

Come, come. This is no time for small talk.

Let's get out of here.

I didn't know.

~ Zazu za za za ~

~ Za... ~

How do you do?

How do you do?

You will be careful, won't you, Baba?

- Yes, my little lamb.

- Oh, baa-baa.

I want to be your black sheep.

Oh, excuse me.

For my next experiment,

I will saw the little maharajah in half.

I'm a victim of saw-cumstances. Ha-ha.

- Charlie, look at me.

- I'm busy. Scram. Will you scram?

- Don't be afraid.

- Promise me it won't hurt?

- I promise.

- Well, anything for science.

OK, Bergen.

Yes. Sleep, sleep.

Say, what is this?

Ohh. You're in a trance.

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