You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #4

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

He says I'm in a transom.

- Charlie, I've got a good mind to...

- Why don't you use it?

- Listen...

- I know what you want. Do it again.

- All right. Sleep.

- Yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, oh. Ohh...

Oh!

- If you please, Princess.

- Ohh!

The box is made of solid oak.

Come in.

Watch this razor-sharp steel saw

tear through the body of the little man.

- Ohh.

- Don't worry. I'm here.

Yes, but dash it all, I'm here.

- Just ignore him.

- Bounder.

~ La-di-da, la-di-da ~

~ Seesaw my dear doll ~

~ Help, oh, help ~

Help, help, help.

Help.

Do you feel any pain?

Just hunger pains, that's all.

Cut right through my breakfast.

The little man is perfectly normal.

We shall proceed.

Toot, toot.

We are now passing

through the state of indigestion.

Uhh. That did it.

I now separate the two halves to prove

that there is no connection nor deception.

If you please, Princess.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Shakespeare.

In spite of his condition,

the little man retains all his faculties.

I command you, move your feet.

- Where?

- Over there.

- Are those my tootsies?

- Yes.

Gee.

Move your feet.

Move the feet.

- Who me?

- No, no, not you.

Well, I didn't know.

Charlie set it up... Oh, dear.

- How long have you been with the circus?

- Too long. In fact...

Quiet.

- Don't pay attention to him.

- It was a very nice performance.

Thank you very much.

Bergen...

It's a pleasure to have such a lovely audience.

Did you really enjoy it?

- Oh, it was splendid.

- Oh.

My name is Charlie McCarthy.

What's yours?

- Vicky.

- Oh, that's cute.

- Charlie...

- Oh, Vicky, Mr Bergen. Bergen, Vicky.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Ventriloquism has always fascinated me.

- It has?

I'll be glad to explain it for you.

- I'd love to know, but I must find...

- Please stay. It'll just take a minute.

Oh, yes. Well, ventriloquism,

it starts here and goes up here...

- And it comes out here.

- It comes out there, yes.

Tell me, how do you talk

without moving your lips?

- Oh, now you're asking quite a bit.

- You're asking the wrong man.

He's noticed it, too.

Your... your voice isn't double-jointed, is it?

Oh, no. No, no.

It's, uh...

Well, may I have your hand?

Now, you can feel the muscles contract

in my vocal cords.

- Vocal cords.

- Oh, yes.

- Yeah.

- Like this.

You're lovely.

Did that come out of me?

Uh, I'm a little confused.

I guess he's talking...

Uh, can you throw your voice

just anywhere?

Oh, certainly, yes.

Won't you sit down?

Move over.

- How about the packing?

- Later on. Forget it.

That's what I thought.

I knew this would come...

Now, if you move your lips,

I can make you talk.

- Are you ready?

- Ready.

- What is your name, little girl?

- Vicky.

Now you know how foolish I feel.

Isn't it silly?

- Would you meet me after the show?

- Oh, now...

Just move your lips.

I'll do the talking.

- Will you meet me after the show?

- I'll be glad to.

Perfect. Now that completes

our first lesson.

- Are there any questions?

- Yeah, am I intruding?

You certainly are.

Hey, Whipsnade!

- Hey, are you Whipsnade?

- Weinstube?

- No, no, no, Whipsnade, you know.

- No ich kein die English sprechen.

- Aw, you dumb stupe.

- Ja.

Ja, you go 'way.

I break your throat.

Break my foot at the same... time.

I think we can do better

if we start over.

- So do I. Let's go.

- Stay out of it.

Oh, OK, OK.

- Are you ready?

- Ready.

- What's your name, little girl?

- Vicky!

Dad. Oh, Dad, darling.

I guess we'll pack now, huh?

Uh, what were you doing talking

to the unholy two over there?

I stopped to catch their act.

They're marvellous.

You were fortunate

to acquire their services.

They'll be fortunate

if we don't attend their services.

- You have to catch us first...

- Quiet.

"Have to catch us first."

Can you imagine that? I hate him.

Horse face. Uhh. Let go of me.

- Why, Dad? He's nice.

- Uh, let's go this way.

We won't be interrupted.

Tell me all about Phineas and yourself.

Uh, why didn't he come along, then?

I say, why didn't, uh?

Why didn't he come along with ya?

- I can't figure it out.

- Uh, wha?

- Oh, nothing.

- Oh.

I must read up on evolution sometime.

- It doesn't seem right.

- You mean we're not gonna quit?

It wouldn't be fair to Mr Whipsnade

to leave like this.

Why you?

Oh, I get it. I get it.

She... she is beautiful, isn't she?

Yes, she is. But of course that had

nothing to do with my decision.

Oh, no, no. You said

you were going to quit and now...

- Listen...

- Don't talk to me.

- Don't you want to meet her younger sister?

- Women and business don't mix.

- Has she got a younger sister?

- Yes, and lovely, too.

Oh. Oh. Hmm. Tsk.

I'm beginning to see your point now.

That's why I say we shouldn't be too hasty.

No. Let's not do anything

we'll be sorry for.

- Exactly.

- You're right.

It wouldn't be fair to Mr Whipsnade.

- Or his daughters. Catch on?

- Yes.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

~ Tra la-la da-die die-die ~

- How's everything going, Dad?

- Fine, dear.

Last night they were so packed,

they couldn't applaud that way.

- They had to applaud this way.

- Let me do that.

What? Oh, thank you, dear. Yeah.

- You need someone to take care of you.

- Ah, quite the antithesis, my little plum.

- I was hoping you'd let me stay with you.

- Oh, no, dear. No, dear.

I couldn't break that promise

to your dear old mother.

Don't want you kids with the circus.

Another thing.

What's happened to that squirt

Phineas tells me you're with?

- I'm still going with him.

- He's very rich. Why don't you marry him?

- What about you, Dad?

- Nobody could take your mother's place.

Besides, circus doing great business.

I don't owe a cent.

- Salaries are all paid up to date.

- I want my money.

- What?

- I want my money!

Pardon me, dear.

All right, Mr Pronkwonk, go right ahead.

Be right back.

Got change for a $100 bill?

- No.

- That's fine.

I offer you your salary, and you

haven't change. That's sabotage.

- All I want's my salary.

- Ha-ha. Glutton.

Yes, indeedy, yes, indeedy.

You'll get your celery

and olives and mustard, too, yes.

Ahem. I'll right back in a minute, dear.

Yes, right back

Let go of me, will you?

Mr Wipesnose?

- Wipesnose.

- It's Windshade. Uh...

- Whipsnade.

- Whipsnade, yes.

Yessir. The ventriloquist has got

a tent full of ofays and can't go on.

- Why not?

- He's got the hic-hiccups.

The hiccups?

Tell him I'll be right over.

Yessir.

Don't touch that drawer.

Is it a holdup?

We were trying to cure our hic-hiccups.

- I'm afraid I can't go on. Hic!

- Gimme this...

- No, don't touch me!

- Drop him with a quarter horse.

Why don't you sandpaper that whiffle tree?

Got a splinter again.

- That's good.

- Remember, he's the boss.

- I don't... hic... care.

- Someone has to go... hic... on.

Well, let him monkey around

with Oli... hic... Oliver.

- You can have... hic... Oliver.

- Very good. I... I'll take O... Oliver.

Here, put him in my pitch.

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