You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #5

I'll be right up there.

That reminds me.

I must order cracked crab for dinner tonight.

- Ha-ha. We certainly fooled him.

- Let's get our clothes changed.

- Vicky's waiting.

- Is she?

- Is her sister with her?

- Who?

- Her sister.

- Has Vicky a sister?

Oh, yes. Yes, she has a lovely...

What's that? Why, you said she did!

I'm sorry about that.

I had to do that.

Why, you double-crosser.

You-you-you cad.

You... you... you Whipsnade. I...

- A little castle in the air.

- Unusual place for a rendezvous.

Unusual but exclusive.

I'll let you in on a secret.

When I was a little girl,

this was always my favourite hideaway.

Oh. By any chance, did your father

ever find you up here?

- Many times.

- He did?

- Let's get out of here.

- I think we're safe with Charlie as lookout.

Ohh...

I don't think we can count on Charlie.

He's acting disagreeable.

I don't have to come up here

to be insulted.

What's the matter?

Have I hurt your feelings?

Well, a certain thing, but...

I told him you had a sister.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

follow me to this platform.

We have the great...

Keep on going. I have it. OK.

Ladies and gentlemen,

special announcement.

On this platform, the Great Whipsnade,

ventriloquist extraordinary.

He will be assisted by his little friend Oliver.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Whipsnade the Great.

Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you

for this mental and silent reception.

- Mr Whipsnade?

- Yes, Oliver?

- Can I ask you a conundrum?

- Certainly, Oliver. Go right ahead.

- Ask me. What is it?

- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

I don't know, Oliver.

Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

Because it's fur to the end.

Because it's...

Ladies and gentlemen,

what do you think of that?

Drinking and singing simultaneously.

It baffles science.

Proceed, Oliver.

~ His heart was set on becoming a banker

and wearing a high silk hat ~

- How did you come to join the circus?

- I was a dignified college teacher.

One day I dropped my dignity

and flew the coop.

- Must be fun working with Dad, though.

- Oh.

- There is Dad, isn't there?

- You can say that again.

- You like him, don't you?

- Talk yourself out of that one.

Well, he must have some fine qualities.

After all, you're his daughter.

- Maybe she takes after her mother.

- Why don't you keep quiet and look out?

Aye-aye, sir.

But you look out.

~ And he treated rich and poor alike

and it wasn't long before ~

~ He had accumulated nearly $1,000

in his own right ~

Away, boy. You'll draw flies.

~ And he'd charge 'em $500 and told 'em

that was practically nothing ~

~ He returned to the village

to see his own sweetheart ~

~ She looked coyly through

the imitation lace curtains ~

~ She'd gained a f... ~

~ Pounds in the ten years he'd been away ~

Dad means a lot to me.

Whenever I'm upset or things don't go well,

I run right to him.

- He's the one I can always count on.

- Wait a minute. You can count on me.

I know, Edgar.

I'm grateful for your loyalty.

Loyalty? Is that what you call it?

- What should I call it?

- If you ask me, I call it mush.

- I didn't ask you.

- I told you anyway.

- You keep quiet.

- Tell her you love her.

- Quit beating around the balloon.

- That's enough.

I'm hungry.

Whoop! I dropped something.

Hope I didn't hit anybody. Except one.

~ Calico dress ~

That, ladies and gentlemen,

concludes my performance.

Two bells and two cigars.

Two bells and two cigars.

What'd you do, eat 500?

Jiggers, jiggers, jiggers.

No, no, no.

- Want to make an easy $5?

- Sure.

I want you to chop some wood for me.

Follow me.

Sure.

I can't understand why that fella hit us.

Gee, he didn't even give me a chance

to insult him.

I just opened my eye,

and a fist flew in. Gee.

- Must have been a mistake.

- Yeah, sure, sure.

You know what I think?

I smell a rodent, and I do mean Whipsnade.

- I don't think he would do anything like that.

- Oh, Bergen, don't be so naive.

Victoria, dear, some weasel...

took the cork out of my lunch.

Then a Lompoc comes along

and spills it all... over the place.

I was fit to be tied. I...

Honestly, Dad, you and your Lompo...

Dad?

Dad?

Yeah, he might be in here.

I'll tell you what.

- You go around, and I'll go through.

- We'll bottle him up.

- There, that's the last dab.

- Yeah, and I resents every dab.

You do? Forget it.

Want to look at yourself?

- I don't care how I look.

- You look very cute.

I don't... I don't care how...

I do...

Doggone, is that me?

Well, shut my mouth.

- Say, you know, I do look kind of cute.

- Yes, you do.

You little rascal, you.

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ha-ha-ha.

Well, ptooey.

Uh-oh. Here comes old rubber nose.

Hide your gold teeth.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Hello, Edgar.

- Hello.

- Hello, Charles, my little eggplant.

- Yeah, hello.

Little nipper have his napper out

as we went through the tunnel?

That ain't funny.

I'm blacked up.

He's got a mouse.

Why, you have a mouse on your eye also.

We know the rat who did it, too.

Yes, he certainly earned his...

My heart bleeds for the little chap.

Hey, you, seen Whipsnade around here?

- Wha?

- Whipsnade?

- Fat fella with a big red nose.

- Yeah...

Come in, Sheriff.

I think we can help y'all.

~ Hoeing in the cotton

and the corn high ~

~ The corn, uh... ~

~ Uhh... ~

- ~ Uhh... ~

- Yeah.

Hey, what's it worth to you

if I point out Whipsnade?

- I'll give you $5 if you'll point him out.

- Five bucks...

How's my little magnolia twig?

Here's $10 I owe you.

Happened to think of it.

- Don't know what reminded me of it. Huh?

- Thank you, Mr W...

Pardon me.

I got a spell of coughing.

- You wouldn't give 20, would you?

- Charles, hold my hat until I return.

Let me out of here.

I'm blind. Lights.

Hey, boss. Boss?

Don't call me Hoss. Be the loving

little piccaninny you've always been.

Show these gentlemen around the circus.

They want Whipsnade, the entrepreneur.

- Entrepren?

- Quick, quick.

- Right this way.

- He'll show you.

Nothing to worry about.

He'll show you where to go.

- I got ten bucks out of him.

- Yes, he'll show ya.

- I got...

- Gimme that money, you rat.

- Give it to me.

- No! No! Sheriff! Sheriff...

Shut up. Aah!

- Agh! He's a can-eyeball.

- Sheriff.

I say, Sheriff, he's got my hat, too.

Get him, Bergen.

All right.

Here, Queenie. Some elephants' caviar.

Take it. Or leave it.

- My hat. Give, Queenie!

- Shh.

Cease, Queenie. Cease, Queen.

- Missed him, darn it.

- Thank you, Charles.

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers

to romp with you.

I'm innocent, so help me.

Yes, I suppose it was the wind

through the whispering pines

that said, "Give, Queenie."

Cease. Cease, Queenie!

Cease, Queen.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

You shouldn't say, "Give, Queenie."

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Cease, Queenie! Cease, Queen.

Red nose. Get him, Sheriff.

- Can't fool us any longer.

- Stand clear or I'll lay hands on you.

I'm serving you with this summons.

- I served it on him.

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