You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #7

- Yeah?

- Yes.

- OK, we're jumping.

- That's what I wanted to know.

We'll be ready in a minute.

~ A tisket, a tasket ~

~ I'm singin' in a basket ~

~ Like a little birdie,

I'm flyin' through the sky ~

~ La die, the sky, the sky ~

- All right, here we go.

- Whoa.

Whoa, boy. Whoa.

- Aren't you jumping, Mortimer?

- No. I like it up here.

- He would, the sap.

- I'm sentimental. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Open up that thing now.

- All right.

First we jump, count five,

then we pull this ring.

It's getting more complicated

all the time, isn't it?

Ohh! Five. Five, five, five.

- One.

- No, five.

- No, keep quiet. Two.

- Five.

Uh, three.

Whoa. It don't mean a thing

if you don't pull that string.

- Five, five, five, five, five.

- All right, five.

- Hey! Oh, boy.

- You see? You were scared about nothing.

Oh, who was scared? Ha-ha-ha.

- That umbrella won't turn inside out, will it?

- There's nothing to worry about.

All right. I don't worry, Bergen.

You know me. Ha-ha-ha.

Remember, when we strike the ground,

pull your knees up.

- Yeah. I know about that.

- So you won't break a leg.

That's logical. What's that?

Oh! Oh! Oh, please! Oh!

Oh, I can't see!

Jump for your life, Kelly!

Here comes one!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my goodness. Oh!

- Get those drunks!

- Get this off my head!

- What's the matter?

- Get your hands off me.

- Please. Please!

- Lady, there's nothing I can do.

- I've got to get out of here.

- It's a free country.

- It was my fault. Let her go.

- You have to wait for the judge.

- You said that an hour ago.

- And I'll say it again!

- Cossack.

- What's that?

You shouldn't talk that way to the man.

- Can I use your telephone?

- You'll have to wait...

Until the judge gets here. Oh.

~ Za za za-za za ~

Huh?

No? All right.

Mayor, I want you to stand here

during the ceremony.

Come up here, everybody.

It'll soon be...

- Roger. Where's Roger?

- Yes, Mother. Yes.

I want you and Victoria

to walk along here.

~ Here come... ~

Where is Victoria?

- She's late.

- She can't be late at her own wedding.

- Don't get excited.

- Who's getting excited?

Don't stand here, everybody.

They'll soon be here.

Ahem. Did you want to see me?

Yes, I did. On account of your unimpeachable

integrity and business perspicacity...

You know what that is, don't you?

Well, that's fine.

On account of that,

I'm going to leave you in charge tonight

whilst I go over to Passamaquoddy

and announce my daughter's marriage.

If anybody comes around here

and asks for me,

you just say,

"He's around the place somewhere."

You can remember that, can't you?

What are you gonna say to them

if they come around and ask for me?

Well, that's OK.

That's even better.

I'll be back in time

to get the show out of town as usual.

Well... Stop! What are you?

Stop it, will ya?

Trouble with you, young man,

is you got too much of the dictator in you.

- Here's your cape, boss.

- Thanks.

Gimme that coat.

Don't hand it to me that way.

Hold it up.

- So, how's the house tonight?

- Biggest crowd we ever had.

They belong to some kind of lodge.

- We're getting lodge members now.

- The, uh, lapel-pullers.

- Lapel-pullers? Never heard of 'em.

- They do that and walk in.

- They're coppers. Gimme my cape.

- I gave it to you.

- Gave it? Where is it?

- I...

There it is. Give it to me.

I hate you.

Stop!

I'll cleave you to the ground, the both of you.

Starting a mutiny around me.

What happened to the boy

that held the apple on his head tonight?

Hit him right down there

in the abdomen, yes.

Yeah. Yes. Don't ask so many questions.

Sheriff, over here.

OK, look at the gas and oil?

Come on, Queen!

Stop that man! Stop him!

Hey! Hey! Get out of the way!

- Get back!

- Somebody stop that man in the carriage!

Don't let that man in the carriage

get away.

Sheriff, you go back and get your men.

I'll get the car.

Victoria will be here very soon.

I'm sure she'll be here any moment.

She's motoring down with Father.

Father?

Whoa, Queenie.

Here, take over these reins, groom.

Wait a minute.

That's a funny place to have a doorknob.

I get it.

- There you are. OK.

- Your card, sir.

Card? I don't need a card.

Wherever the people speak a civilised tongue,

the name of Whipsnade is a household word.

Take it or leave it. Well, well.

What a wickiup. Huh? Oh.

Once more.

Ring him once more, please.

Well, well... Wait a minute.

Give me a break on the advertising.

Just a little break.

Put it up this way.

See? Very modest.

Just in black and white. No colours.

Put it over there.

- Where's the bar?

- Dad!

Phineas, this is the proudest moment

of my life.

- I'm glad to see you, too.

- What a wickiup.

- Where's the mob?

- In there. Quiet.

- Where's Vicky?

- She'll be here in half a tick.

Be a lot of necks washed here tonight.

What are you doing there?

- Come here a minute.

- I was leaving that there as an advertisement.

- Look, these people are society people.

- I know, the crme dee-lay crme.

They have noblesse oblige.

We have acrobats with our circus.

They don't know about that,

so don't mention it.

I got a button on my lip.

I told them you deal in wild animals.

They think you're a big-game hunter.

Leave it to me.

I'll explain anything if left alone.

- Am I intruding?

- Not at all.

Roger, this is my father.

Dad, Roger Bel-Goodie III.

- Oh, hello, Rog. How are you?

- Your future son-in-law.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh uh-uh.

This is a surprise, huh?

Yes, it's a very pleasant surprise.

- Where's Vicky?

- She's gone down to the barbershop.

She's gotta get a permanent and a facial.

There's eight or nine men ahead of her.

She'll be at least 20 minutes.

Do come in and meet

the pater and mater.

Mater and the p'tater?

What's the matter, is he starved?

- Ah, here's the mob.

- This is Mr Whipsnade, Vicky's... parent.

- Ah, Vicky's paternoster.

- Oh.

- How are you?

- I feel rather poorly, thank you.

I got a little stomachache.

Or, a bit of a big stomachache.

I believe it was canned cherries.

They put them in the Manhattan cocktails.

- Don't agree with me.

- You have put on weight.

I got a sweater under here.

Always wear a sweater...

This is my father.

Well, well, well, uh...

Um...

- How do you do?

- How are you? Are you?

Your son tells me you've had experience

with wild animals - a big-game hunter.

I had quite an experience at Lake Titicaca,

Lake Titicaca, the Bolivian...

- Andes. Huh?

- What time is it?

I don't know. This chain, I've got it pinned

in my vest pocket with a safety pin.

At Lake Titicaca, I had

a wonderful experience with a rattlesnake.

- Aah!

- Stop it. My wife's allergic to snakes.

She is, eh? How unfortunate.

- Mrs Bel-Goodie fainted?

- Stewed to the whiskers.

- Get a doctor, quick.

- Up at Lake Titicaca, this rattlesnake...

- What's happening?

- Aah!

I don't know.

Probably had too much to drink.

At Lake Titicaca, this rattlesnake

was imprisoned under a rock.

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