You Can't Cheat an Honest Man Page #8

I took the rock, rolled it

off the little fella's back.

To show his appreciation,

he followed me down to the...

Followed me down to the wickiup.

We were living there.

- Get her some whiskey.

- Get me one, too.

With ginger ale on the side.

I followed the...

The rattlesnake followed me.

Followed me down to my shack.

What's the matter with these guys?

Followed me down to the shack.

Uh...

What happened?

I don't know.

Probably drinking too much.

Followed me down to the shack. Hello.

The rattlesnake followed me to the shack.

I put my sock over the snake.

To show its appreciation, during the night,

a marauder crawled in through the window...

Everybody's in a hurry.

- Was there an accident?

- No, nothing happened.

A marauder crawled in

through he window.

The snake, in order to...

Chinese people.

The snake, in order to show its appreciation,

sunk its teeth into the marauder's fetlocks...

into its fetlocks

and stuck its tail out the window

and rattled for a constable.

- Dad, see what you've done?

- What?

- You've ruined everything.

- How?

- Mrs Bel-Goodie's fainted.

- She's been drinking too much.

Gangway, gangway, gangway.

- What?

- Let me handle this situation.

- I'm sorry I distressed you, honey...

- Honey?

...with that little story.

Why, some of my best friends are snakes.

- Aah!

- See what you've done!

This is outrageous!

- Carry her upstairs.

- You've done it again.

- I was trying to make everybody feel at home.

- Why not leave that to the Bel-Goodies?

Let's get this thing straight.

- Where was the car?

- Beside the road.

- Where were you?

- Up in a balloon.

- No wisecracks.

- Who's crackin'?

- It's the truth. We were up in a balloon.

- And then we bailed out.

- Then bail yourself outta here.

- That's the trouble.

We haven't any money.

Then what did you call for me for?

Get 'em out of there.

Put 'em back where they belong.

Get out of here.

Judge, I'm gonna be married tonight.

- You are?

- Yes.

- You're going to be married?

- I'm sorry, Edgar.

Your Honour,

may I leave this bracelet as security?

Well, I guess it'll be all right.

Thank you.

Who's the lucky man?

Roger Bel-Goodie.

- Must be a swell fellow.

- He is.

Well, I wish you luck.

Thank you, Edgar.

I...

- Well, that's that.

- Yeah. I know how you feel.

- Did you get that name?

- Yeah.

It beats me how a nice young girl like her can

get mixed up with a lunkhead like Bel-Goodie.

How'd he get out

of his scrape with that maid?

- Money.

- Ah.

- Did you hear that?

- Yes. She's marrying for money.

- Yeah.

- That's her privilege.

Whipsnade's in back of this.

She doesn't love the guy.

- What can I do?

- We'll stop it.

We'll get a gun. Dynamite.

Burn the house...

- Oh, no, no.

- We'll do something.

Then suddenly, from out of nowhere...

Bang! Bang!

Two shots rang out in the clear home air.

Two blowouts and not a spare.

Quite poetic, wasn't it?

Well, two boa constrictors,

who I had previously befriended,

wrapped themselves around my naked rims,

and off we went again.

What's happened to Vicky?

She should have been here hours ago.

She might have telephoned.

Well, I go 300 miles on two tires

and two boa constrictors.

Aah!

Uhh! Aah!

Hurry. Hurry, hurry.

My dear.

And they left us

on the outskirts of the city.

And a tow car came along

and pulled us into Punxsutawney.

Ferdinand.

Lift her carefully, gentlemen.

- Thanks.

- Help me carry her upstairs.

Carefully, now.

She's very beautiful,

but don't you think she's overdoing it a bit?

Every time you look at her,

she throws a dummy.

You're ruining Vicky and my future

with those stories.

- I can tell 'em that drummer's yarn.

- No, no.

- I can clean it up a bit.

- Oh, Dad.

It's not the quality of the stories.

It's that you're talkin' too much.

- Come in here and sit down.

- I'd rather be in here. It's cooler.

Get away from those barflies.

What's that, a beaver's tail?

By the way, how is your Ping-Pong?

Huh? Oh.

- Are you speaking to me, honey?

- How is your Ping-Pong?

Fine. How's yours?

You want to make anything out of it?

Miss Sludge, this is my Dad, Mr Whipsnade.

Whipsnade?

Uh, that's the name, yes.

- Does your father play Ping-Pong?

- Do I play Ping-Pong?

Do I play Ping?

I didn't get you the first time.

I was one-time champion of

the tri-state league and the Lesser Antilles.

Didn't know one card from the other,

but I stayed up at night

and marked them with a pen.

- So sorry to have kept you waiting.

- Oh, that's OK.

- Shall I serve?

- I've had enough. Would you like one?

- I'm serving.

- Trying to make a drunkard out of me?

Nothing, really.

Cease! Cease, you rat.

- You crud! This do-little devil.

- Aah!

Quiet! Try another key!

Stop, cease!

Pardon me, dear.

I'm haunted.

Pardon me, dear.

Nothing. Nothing. Don't get excited.

Mind your back. Caught in a hailstorm

one time in the Dakotas.

Look at that.

Hold your breath, Pierre.

This is getting irksome.

He's cut up my aisle. Gangway!

~ Do de di dum,

da de-da da de-da ~

~ Da dum... di dum ~

~ Diddle-ee di da,

di-di day ~

- Ooh!

- Disperse!

- This is unethical.

- Shh!

Shades of Izaak Walton.

- Whoo!

- What a game.

What a racket!

Mind your back there.

This is the way the general used to help me

lob cannonballs back at the fort.

Look out, General! Here I come! Aah!

Oh, the vulgarian.

Hello.

Dear. Oh, Archibald,

get that man out of this house.

There's nobody home.

Ohh.

Stop at the second floor.

Foreign department.

Groceries and liqueurs. Oh.

Sir, you absent yourself

from this house immediately,

you Pharisee, you pecksniff,

you egregious tartuffle!

Tartuffle. Is that good or bad?

- You're a fraud, a charlatan and a rogue.

- Aw, is that in my favour?

You're talking to my father.

He called me a tartuffle.

What kind of a tartuffle?

Are there two kinds?

Male or female?

- Dad, this is no time for levity.

- This is no levity. Declare yourself.

- Mother!

- Mother? Calling your mother, eh?

- Poppa!

- Will you leave my house, sir?

Now, don't try...

- Phineas.

- Are you all right?

- I'm so sorry.

- Where have you been?

- The funniest thing happened.

- Get that father of yours out of here.

- What's the matter?

- Everything.

- Why didn't you tell me he was a-a person?

- What's the matter with my father?

- Everything. He's...

- Common, crude, vulgar.

- I'll sue for defamation of character.

- I've been imposed on.

- I didn't ask you to marry me.

- You were marrying for my social position.

- Why, you insignificant, egotistical...

- You're speaking to a Bel-Goodie.

You're speaking to a Whipsnade.

Get off the trapeze

and into the sawdust where you belong.

You can't talk to my mother like that!

Cease! Hold it up!

Young man, if there is such a thing

as a tartuffle, you are just that thing.

One more peep out of you,

and I'll give you a sound trundling.

A pummelling, a trounc...

Unhand me, woman.

A trouncing. Tartuffle, huh?

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