You Can't Have It

---

It was the night that

everything had changed.

No one could predict,

but some saw it coming.

Fernando was my best friend.

Last night, my brother.

Yeah, man.

Boom.

Bills.

I didn't think I could keep my secret,

but Fernando kept his.

You're a spy.

I'm drunk though, I am.

Shawn, my man.

Come on.

Oh come on man, you've

been working for three weeks,

you're still looking for ID's?

Suzanne, you're looking lovely as ever.

Thank you, $5 handsome.

Oh come on, it's the last night,

shouldn't we all get in for free.

Every week, every week.

Pretty sure I'm 21.

Bill, gotta keep the books clean

even though the place has gone to sh*t.

Even Shiam Simya doesn't

condone underage drinking.

You're weird dude, but I love it.

Come on in, let me buy you a drink.

I'm on the clock, Bill,

but you go in and have fun.

Really?

Jacob was not that good.

I disagree.

I worked with the man for six years,

we were like brothers,

there's no way that he could

have faked that he knew me.

Don't ever count anybody out.

I just totally don't agree.

Wouldn't be the first

time you were wrong.

How much money do we got?

Well Shiam Simya took it all.

You're obsessed.

They were all there, my wife Tammy,

my girl Sandra, my work buddy Tyler.

And Sandra's BFF Karen,

and of course, Craig.

All had their own secrets,

well except Craig.

Making a deposit, Tyler boy?

Huh?

There's a free urinal in

here if you piss standing up.

I find it weird that you're concerned

at all where I pee.

Last night at the old

watering hole, huh, T money?

Let's go out with a bang, right?

Bang.

Well far be it for me to tell a man

how to conduct his business.

Exactly.

For you, and one for you.

I got this.

What's up my man?

What up, brother, how are you?

Hey, how you doin'?

Oh, nope.

Why don't you look at a menu instead?

Don't worry, he's not looking at you.

Is that on the happy hour menu?

Gross.

Even with a discount, it will

be more than you can afford.

Ah, you'd be surprised

how big my wallet is, baby.

All the size in the world can't make up

for having a credit

score of a**hole pervert.

Well what do you expect

wearing a skirt like that, huh?

I expect you to first,

not smoke in my bar,

and second to order for the last time

so I don't have to see you anymore.

Wow, way to kill the

mood, sweetheart, geez.

Come on, you know what I want.

It's gonna be hard

for me to find another

good bar in this neighborhood.

Well you could, you know, branch out,

try new experiences, and

don't call me, sweetheart.

I'm not your wife.

Oh, my wife is not sweet,

she gives me cavities.

But you, if she was half as good as you,

I'd call her sweetheart too.

What is this?

What is this, you know

what I like, light beer.

Come on.

Well sh*t Bill, I guess I'm

distracted by your charms.

When are you gonna

finally stop pretending

that you're attracted to me,

give me some of that sweet....

First of all, who talks like that?

Why do you try so hard?

You got your light beer

right in front of you.

Well this beer only

quenches one kind of thirst.

You know how everybody

thinks girls dig a**holes?

Well they're wrong, they

like guys with class.

Like your friend Tyler.

Oh, yeah I'm sure the chiseled body and

the washboard abs don't hurt, huh?

You're an a**hole.

You might have your wife at home fooled,

and your sweet little

girlfriend in the corner

obviously wants you more

than anyone ever would.

So leave me the hell alone

and finish your drink.

Maybe I won't tell either of

them how friendly you are.

Oh, and I expect a good

tip for that wisdom.

Good boy.

Oh, speak of the devil, damn.

Hi, honey.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

Oh.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going to a new club

with Jessica and Lizzie.

Oh, I'm not here to spoil your fun,

I'm gonna meet up with them in a minute.

Come on, you're not

gonna spoil all the fun.

But what's up?

I was just wondering

what time you'd be home?

Why didn't you just text me?

It was on my way.

I don't know, I mean,

it's the last night

so I figured I'd go the distance.

You're not in college anymore, Bill.

Well, one could argue that

this is like grad school.

What time?

I don't know, 2:
00 AM,

5:
00 AM, I don't know.

2:
00 is fine.

No, I said 5:
00.

What will it be, Tammy?

Oh, the usual.

Coming right up.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Tyler, what's up, look who it is.

Playgirl centerfold.

What can I get for you, sweetheart.

Hey, Jackie, just the usual.

Coming right up.

I don't believe this, what is this?

Believe what?

What, my wife, mentally addressing

one of my best friends.

Come on.

I can look, I just can't touch.

Right Bill, I mean that's

how you always do it.

Well, that only applies to me.

I will touch Tyler anytime

or place he wants me to.

Okay, all right, what is that?

What is that, huh?

It's sovereign blanc, it's a white wine.

Sovereingn what?

White wine, what are you on your way to

a Liza Minnelli concert?

Come on Jackie, get

this guy a real drink.

Come on, it's the last night, come on.

Hey, it's up to him.

Yeah, yeah, I'll take

something stronger.

Give him my usual, you

remember what that is.

Light beer, maybe?

That's a real professional, right there.

Well technically though, Bill,

that light beer is not

even a third as strong

as his white wine.

Ooh, well aren't we smart.

All right Tyler, tonight

we're gonna play darts,

we're gonna drink beer like men.

Come on, what do you say?

One last Mr. Phil's dart

game, what do you say?

Last game, you never

even had a first game.

Well maybe I'm trying to branch out.

God damn it, I wish

he would come play with...

Me too.

I would ride him like a donkey.

I bet he's hung like a horse.

Only one way to know.

You got that right.

I think I should go be with my husband.

Yeah, see ya.

Hey, girls.

Can I have a ginger ale please, Jackie?

Sure, coming right up.

Ooh, that sounds good,

can I have one too?

You got it.

Can you put some rum in mine?

Well actually, can you

put a lot of rum in mine?

Maybe some Jim, some whisky.

Hey, it's your funeral Karen.

Anything extra for you, Sandra?

Not quite yet, we'll wait a

little while before we start.

You guys wanna open a tab?

Happy hour for another 15 minutes.

Yeah, why do they call it happy hour?

I mean, that doesn't make any sense.

Shouldn't like every hour be happy hour?

Well you both look hot tonight,

let's just say you should be happy.

Ugh God, look Sandra,

Tammy's gonna leave any second.

I hope so, I need to talk to him.

You know who you should wanna talk to?

Tyler, god he is just perfection.

Look at him, he's so big.

Oh yeah, then there's Bill who's Bill.

Well Bill has his charms,

besides Jackie's in love

with Tyler, so.

Oh, love is definitely not

the word I would have used.

Well you better get up on that,

because that dick is mine.

You better turn your

attention elsewhere.

Who's your runner up?

Aw, Craig, you could be his one

and only doll for the night.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes