You Can't Have It Page #2

---

Hey, I don't know, where is he?

You may wanna find the nearest mirror.

Oh my God, wow, such a b*tch.

I'm just kidding, he

usually goes to the gym

before he gets here, so he

should be walking in any minute.

See, consistency, that's

a good trait for a man.

No, predictability, no way.

What?

Oh nothing, I just didn't

know you knew a word that big.

That's good.

It's all about concentration.

Is that all you got?

Okay, I'll eat my words, but watch this.

Too many people living in this world

Wonder what's gonna kill them all

I made it on the board.

I don't think that counts.

Ooh.

Not bad at all.

That was pretty good.

So, what the doctor say?

If you came with me you would know.

Come on, don't start this again.

I know, I'm sorry.

The doctor said that there's

no problem with your parts.

Some couples just can't conceive.

Okay, so what do we do now?

Well we're not entirely out of options,

we can keep trying, we can

adopt, we can get a surrogate.

Surrogacy, I get to

have sex with her, right?

Yeah.

And medically she's required to be

a 19 year old cheerleader.

Yeah, you know, doctors are so smart.

Come here, hey, hey.

Look, I know I talk a lot, okay, but...

Look, there are worse things

in life than ejaculating

into a cup while watching porn.

Well I do that now, just not into a cup.

Well, we can make a

sex tape if you want.

Or we could find a

girlfriend and have a threesome

for a while, until she gets pregnant.

Very funny.

No, you can pick the girl.

Oh, you're so considerate.

Okay, how about that one.

I'll see if she's interested.

Keep dreaming, tutz.

If you touch any of these

girls, I'll kill you.

Okay, sounds good.

Have a good time tonight.

See you at 2:
00.

5:
00.

What was that about?

Oh my god, do you think Bill told her?

Not a chance, Bill

practically lives in secrecy.

Lucky b*tch.

Lucky?

Okay look, her husband

is cheating on her.

He spends every possible

moment in this shitty bar.

Hey!

I'm sorry, I love you very

much but this is a shitty bar.

What the hell do you see in him?

Hello, he's got looks,

and charm, and brains,

and yeah, he's really, really cute.

And I thought I had low standards.

He's got a wife.

And she's gone so go talk to him.

I will.

I will, geez, just give me a...

Just give me a minute.

Hey, you think Sandra's hot?

Yeah, she's all right.

Would you bang her?

Are you serious?

Oh come on, it's a

simple man to man question.

Dude, you're a sex addict.

Yeah, maybe.

No come on, seriously,

there's gotta be somebody

that you're interested in.

Oh, Karen?

Mmm hmm.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie wants your ass.

I'm hooking you up with Jackie,

I'm gonna give her your number.

You a lefty?

Look, don't change the subject, okay?

I'm hooking you up with Jackie.

No.

Yes.

No.

A**holes.

Oh, and there's Fernando.

Dude, calm down, it's

not even a big deal.

He fired me, I've never

been fired from a job before.

You'll find another job.

A government job's

supposed to be secure.

Look, just don't do

anything stupid, all right?

It's only a job.

Just a job?

Let me tell you something,

if I see my boss, I will murder him.

Whatever you say, bro.

Let's go.

His hair never moves.

Did you say he looked nice?

No, I said he...

What was that, what was that?

He made me look twice

to see if it was him.

Oh, right, right, made me look twice,

his hair looks nice, right?

What's up, dude?

Hey, what's up man?

I'm Craig.

Bill.

Hey, Tyler.

What's that?

You shake like my grandma, dude.

Fernie!

Don't call me that, man.

Oh come on, lighten up, geez.

Not today man.

All right, let's just

throw some darts, all right?

Well I saw Tammy pulling out of here.

Yeah, she was here a little bit ago.

What, she's not gonna stay?

No, she went to checkout

some new cocktail bar

with her friends.

What, aren't we her friends?

So anyway, listen up, check this out.

Okay, so this guy who's

engaged to be married,

and he's always had the hots

for his fiance's sister.

Look at this guy?

So one day, they're home

alone and as the sister

keeps, you know, kind

of flirting with him

because she knows that he's

got the hots for her, right?

It's written all over his face.

So she says to him, "I know

that you have the hots for me,

"and I know that you're not

married yet to my sister,

"I'll have sex with you one time,

"and I promise that

nobody else will find out.

"We'll go upstairs right

now and we'll do this."

And so he hears this

and he's tripping out,

he's like, you know,

sweating, his heart's beating.

So he follows her

upstairs, gets to the top,

all of a sudden spins around,

shoots down the steps,

busts out the front door.

When he gets out there, the

whole families out there,

soon to be wife, mom, dad,

cousins, aunts, and uncles,

everybody.

Future father in law comes

up to him, embraces him,

he says son, congratulations,

you passed the test.

Welcome to the family, you're the one.

What's the moral to the story, boys?

Don't cheat.

Always leave the condoms in the car.

Yeah?

Yes, dude?

Right, you with me?

I was with you, man.

Nothing?

You need a drink, let's go.

Tyler and I would like the usual.

Piss beer, got it.

I make no apologies for my taste.

Fernie.

I told you to stop calling me that.

Yeah, I'll have another.

Craig?

Give me some Pink's Jackpot Vodka shot.

Ooh, vodka and energy

drink, good man, good man.

That's actually Sandra's

favorite drink too.

You mind sending one over to her?

Well Sandra just had ginger ale before,

and she's not drinking, apparently.

Why not?

I don't know, why don't

you ask her yourself?

I will be back.

Last night.

Yeah, man.

Is Karen sitting here?

No, she's in the bathroom.

She'll probably be a while.

It's fine.

What, just ginger ale?

Bill, do you care about me?

Do fish fly, do zebras have spots?

Why was Tammy pointing at me?

Oh yeah, I said that we

should have a threesome to

get you pregnant, but I

think that twosome would

probably work just...

I'm pregnant.

Oh my god, is it mine?

Yeah, it's yours, and I'm keeping it.

So you have to tell Tammy.

I will, I will.

Don't blow me off, okay.

When are you gonna tell her?

Soon.

I want you to tell her tonight.

Okay, I will, I will.

Okay, shake on it.

What are we cowboys or something?

I said I'd handle it.

Now you're committed.

What a wonderful word.

Hey, hey!

Hey, that's not funny.

You're freaking me out, man.

I'm in trouble, man.

What, how?

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

This is big.

Mine is more important, man.

I'm losing my sh*t right now.

I got Sandra pregnant. / I got fired.

What happened?

You got her pregnant.

Don't tell Tammy.

Sh*t, man.

Yeah, she said she wants

to keep it, what do I do?

That means you gotta keep it.

Oh really, is that what that means?

Well look, you're gonna have to tell

the wife eventually, right?

Now you have a reason.

You know what, the universe can suck it.

The universe hates me, the

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes