You Can't Have It Page #3

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universe is ruining my life.

Come on, I wouldn't talk

that way about the universe

right now, come on.

You know when Tammy finds

out, she's gonna kill me.

She's gonna literally kill me.

She's gonna find me at night,

she's gonna duct tape me

and slit my throat.

She's a crazy b*tch but

she's not gonna kill you.

No, you've really seen

the tip of the iceberg, man.

Tammy is psycho.

Okay, why do you think

I'm still with her?

Sh*t, I wanted to leave her

after six weeks of marriage.

Besides, I told Sandy that

I'd tell Tammy tonight.

Well look, um,

do you want me to tell her?

What...

No, no, think about it.

If you tell her, she'll

probably kill you.

But if I tell her, she'll

get mad I kept a secret

for a week, or maybe she'll be

calmer next time you see her.

Is that right?

Or she'll put a bullet in my

head the second she finds out.

Let's do this!

Can I get another shot

of Mr. Pink Jackpot?

Might wanna pace

yourself there, big guy.

You don't wanna finish early.

Hey baby, I'm always

the last one to finish.

Usually when the other

racers have finished two,

three times.

I'd rather finish myself I think.

Hey doll, it's way more

fun to finish together.

Come on, we could do it right now.

You, me, that little

bathroom over there, come on.

You're not even close to being my type.

What's your type, huh?

The shaman of sexy?

The midnight delight?

Come on, what could be

more your type, baby girl?

Uh, someone with an

IQ in the triple digits,

who doesn't smell or look

like he just stepped out

of a Hollister store, like Tyler.

You're way out of

luck on that one, baby.

Boy Tyler likes girls like Karen,

you know blonde, big tits, tiny waist.

Gee, thanks Craig.

Why don't you come to

the bathroom with me?

Introduce me to the twins.

Hey, I'd be happy to kiss the girls.

No one wants to go to the

bathroom with you Craig, okay?

What's wrong with all these guys?

Why are you wearing two shirts?

Because it's cool.

If I wanted them kissed,

I'd kiss them myself.

Prove it.

Not literally.

Karen, if they really

wanted you kissing them,

they wouldn't be staring at me.

Oh my God, he's such a douche.

And you're a b*tch.

Look man, Sandra would probably kill you

if you don't do it.

Yeah.

God, look I'm...

Look, you're a good friend, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to make this all about me.

This whole job thing

must be eating you up.

Do you need anything from me?

Just focus on you, brother,

this is some heavy stuff.

Come on, let's go back

inside, we'll get some drinks.

Come on.

Working people, they fear

What, hey, I ain't your b*tch

Hey, what you reading Ty Ty?

Hey, easy, come on.

Ooh, what a secret, huh?

Come on, you can trust me.

We used to sell investigations... /

for the FBI.

Are you drunk?

It's what, it's not even...

Nah, nah, I'm just getting started.

Come on, what's this all about?

I'll tell you later, I've

got an announcement to make.

Okay, whatever, just let

me know if you need to talk.

Well I appreciate that,

Bill, that's really nice.

Listen, Craig and Jackie,

what's the deal there?

Craig?

Yeah, the muscular gentleman.

Who knows, I heard

last summer he got a DUI,

he shouldn't even be here.

Like I'm gonna miss the

last night at Mr. Phils?

Come on, this is my spot.

It could be your last

if you're not careful.

Make me my drink, woman, okay?

What are you a cop or a bartender?

What are you, a creamsicle?

You want the stick?

What, popsicle sticks aren't even big.

Well mine's a jumbo.

It's a fudgicle.

If that's what you're into.

Oh, okay, you're into Jackie?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Easy.

Ow, ow, relax man,

you're hurting my shoulder.

Don't touch the hair.

Damn, geez, where'd you

learn that Bruce Lee sh*t?

My father taught me.

Craig and Jackie, seriously,

are they together?

What, together?

Yeah.

No, no, in Craig's dreams,

if he's smart enough to even have one.

All right, good.

So you want me to set it up with Jackie?

No, no, I don't want that,

I'm perfectly capable...

Come on, I got your

back, I'll handle it.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yes.

Bill, don't, don't do this.

Don't, don't, don't.

Um, sh*t, he's going there.

What?

Tyler's into you.

You're lying.

No, he told me to come over here and

talk to you for him.

Why are you telling me?

It's not like you're a

good guy or anything.

Look, I know I have

my faults, all right?

But I always stick up for my friends.

There's always one guy in

a bar who knows everybody,

and everything that's going on.

After everything I've done for you!

You know I've come here

every Friday night since 1997,

when Mr. Phil opened up.

And a little piss ant like you

ain't gonna ruin my streak.

Hey Jackie, bring me my usual.

Are we clear?

Yes, yes.

Saloom.

You're a dead man.

I was just thinking about you.

Yeah, he's here.

He's talking to her a lot.

I really wanna see you.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think tonight's the right night.

No, no, I do wanna see you.

Will you dress up for me again?

No, baby please, no, you

should not come here.

Okay, if you're sure it

can't wait, I'll be here.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, bye.

What's up buddy?

What's up bro?

Not much, how's it going?

Is that the blond

from the baseball game?

Hmm?

You don't have to tell me,

if you want a gorgeous blond,

Karen's tits are a whole other level.

Nah man, I dropped that

blonde a long time ago.

So who was on the phone?

It's just some dude.

What dude?

A telemarketer?

No, some guy, getting

work done on the car,

just boring sh*t.

Hmm, you ride a motorcycle.

I know, exactly, I'm

getting tired of the bike,

it's time to take the

car out of the garage.

Okay then, man, sometimes

you just wanna relax

in some AC on the commute, right?

What about, how come you

didn't take it to Larry?

What, he's not good enough for you?

Larry's fine, I just

needed something special,

this guy's good with rims.

You mean like rim jobs?

Maybe if you gave more rim jobs.

Oh, no, don't tell me

about your deep dark secrets,

all right, guy?

Well, speaking of secrets,

you thought about what

you're gonna say to Tammy?

I don't know, it's just something

you can't really rehearse, you know?

So I figured I'd just kind of wing it.

I feel you.

All right, let's

assume for argument sake

that I thought you telling

her was an okay idea.

Yeah.

about doing it?

Well you told Sandra

you'd tell Tammy tonight.

Yeah, I'm speaking hypothetically,

I know what I said.

Well, I don't know.

It seems like you should

invite me over for dinner.

To my place?

Yeah, your conflict, your place.

Okay.

Okay, you send me the invite,

Tammy makes my favorite dish,

lemon chicken and roasted mushrooms.

Good enough, sounds a

little lightweight but

I'm still listening.

And that's it, I tell her over dinner.

It's not gonna be easy,

it certainly makes

you look like a pansy.

Yeah, I'm not really

concerned about that, all right?

I just don't wanna hurt her.

Wait, you actually care about her?

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