You Can't Have It Page #4

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Yeah, I'm not a complete

a**hole, all right?

So you think it will work?

Well I'm not sure,

but I think it'll get us

through that experience that

will get you killed by Tammy.

Well, I like it.

Yeah?

You wanna take some

time to think it over?

Maybe when you haven't had a few drinks?

I'm the same sober as I am drunk.

Sounds like a plan.

And what about Sandy?

I'll run it by her.

And I'll send Karen over for you.

Wonderful.

What sarcasm from Fernie?

Karen, can I steal Sandy

away from you for a moment,

please, I promise I'll be forever yours.

But promise me to never call me baby.

Whatever it takes.

Okay, here me out for a second.

This doesn't feel good.

Okay, Fernie and I have

decided that it'd be best

if he told Tammy.

Him, wait, why him?

Shh!

Lower your voice, okay?

Explain.

Okay, well he's my best

friend and he's known Tammy

for a long time so we

figured that it'd be best

if he told Tammy, that way I

could avoid being murdered.

If she's gonna kill

you, she's gonna kill you.

What difference does it make?

You are remarkably

callus about my death.

You promised you'd tell her tonight.

We've been married for four years, okay?

I can't just throw that away.

Bill, sweetheart, do you love me?

Do I...

Yeah, that's why this

is such a big deal.

Are you attracted to me?

Yeah.

Like, sexually?

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Mmm hmm, say it.

Baby, I am so attracted to you.

Your heart, it's your tender heart.

Make love to me, right now.

What, like right now, like

on this table right now?

Bathroom.

Okay.

You still find me sexy

even though I'm pregnant?

Our baby is the most

important thing in my life.

That's the man I fell in love with.

Five minutes, okay?

Give me the usual.

In a minute.

I got it.

Bill, there you are.

Weren't you supposed to

talk to me about something?

Wait, no, wait, not right now, I'm busy,

talk to Karen.

Busy with what, drinking?

No, Sandy wants the D right now.

This Karen chick is an idiot.

Not even close to my problem, all right?

Besides, look at her tits.

You do still want me to help

you with Tammy, don't you?

Come on man, give me five minutes.

Five minutes.

Five.

You're fast.

Only when I have to be.

I'm starting the clock.

Wait, did you put the sign on the door?

Hmm?

The sign?

Yeah, of course.

Oh God, I wanted you bad.

We got two minutes.

Wait, what?

Take it slow, baby.

Two minutes.

It's been like three seconds.

You turn me on so much.

Really?

Uh huh.

Hey Jack.

Bring me those crosswords, will ya?

Who cares if there was no

weapons of mass destruction.

We brought down a dangerous dictator.

That depends, dangerous to whom?

Whom, whom?

How you learn to talk like that, girl?

I'm sorry, am I supposed to

be an idiot with nice tits?

No, I'm sorry about that,

I was just being an idiot.

Yeah, well a lot of

guys don't like girls

to use their brains.

No, you really shouldn't do that.

You're turning me on with

all this intellectual sh*t.

Are you hitting on me?

I swear, if Bill and Sandra weren't in

that bathroom right now.

Come on.

What, who better to go back there with?

What, is Craig more your type?

Hey, baby.

Hi.

I was just admiring your

skirt, what's your name?

Leela.

Leela!

I love the way you

put your L's together.

You're cute.

Thanks.

So about that skirt,

is it a space skirt?

Because I'd love to dock on Uranus.

Hate to see you go but

love to watch you leave.

Peach schnapps, really?

For Tyler maybe.

Okay, I can see that.

But it looks like Jackie's

got dibs on him, so.

So, what?

I'm supposed to sleep with you

due to process of elimination?

God forbid I'm here

just to have a good time

with my friends, huh?

I must need to hook up someone tonight.

Girl, all those syllables.

God, whatever.

No, you shouldn't have sex with me out

of process of elimination,

you should have sex with

me because you know I could

make you, you know.

Fall asleep.

No, the opposite, I can

make you come real hard.

Oh my God, that's horrible,

that can't actually work on anyone.

All right, you have your doubts,

but a week from now

you'll be stalking me.

Outside of my apartment

with binoculars on.

Okay, that sounds like

a restraining order,

doesn't it?

Don't knock it until you try it.

Oh my God.

Ladies, you're just in time.

You got two free tickets

to ride on the Craig train,

non stop to pound town.

All aboard, toot toot!

You're gross!

So just you then?

Ew, die.

Gosh.

Whatever baby, once

we get married it will

just all be part of our story.

Target acquired.

You know what really just turned me on?

My enormous member?

No, I was thinking about our future.

Yeah?

Yeah, we're gonna

have like a huge house,

and lots of kids, and a huge

wedding and Christmas parties.

Hold on, hold on, hold on a second.

What?

Look, let's take on thing at a time.

Wait, what do you mean?

Like we just had sex, I

mean, if you call it that.

Okay, there's a lot to...

It's not that simple,

it's not that easy.

Hey, hey, come on, can we talk?

Sandy?

Oh my God.

Ooh, baby.

Ooh, you are big.

That's right, girl for you.

Ah, okay, whoa guys...

I know man, I lost track.

Are you guys done?

Almost.

We're you guys...

Uh huh.

What, are you gonna not talk to me?

What, you're not gonna talk to me?

Well that depends on you.

Look, what do you want from me?

You're an a**hole.

Sandy!

Sandra!

What in god's name.

That bad, huh?

Look at you, what's the occasion?

You like it?

Uh, yeah, like it, yeah.

I dress up for you, and you

think you're hallucinating.

Come on babe, you're turning me on.

So this is what you want?

Me to dress like a whore?

You put the clothes

on, I can't help myself.

You're hot, that's why I married you.

God, those are bigger

than I ever imagined.

You've been fantasizing about me, huh?

Si mamasita, si.

I can't stop staring at you.

You haven't looked at

me like that since Cabo.

What!

No hey, wait, wait, no!

Get off!

What is going on in here!

Get off him, you whore!

B*tch!

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey!

Yes, kill each other!

Cat fight!

Stop, stop!

Stop!

Ow, god damn it, Bill!

What the hell is wrong with you guys?

It's our last night, holy sh*t.

If you ever touch me

again, I will kill you!

She's a god damn psycho.

And how dare you touch her.

She's probably carrying diseases.

Okay, why do you even

care who he sleeps with?

That's a good question.

Because he's my husbands best friend,

and he's a bad influence.

Okay, that literally makes no sense.

And you put your hands

on a pregnant lady.

You're pregnant?

With Fernando's baby?

Sandra's pregnant, and it's Bill's.

So suck on that.

It's not true.

It's true.

How could you, Bill?

Look, I was gonna tell you tonight,

I just found out about the pregnancy.

Are you in love with her?

Look, Tammy, we've been having problems,

and not being able to get pregnant.

Do you not love me anymore?

We have a lot to discuss.

Oh yeah, you mean you

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