You Can't Have It Page #5

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have a lot to answer for.

You know, hold on.

Why'd you act like a lunatic just now?

I have to gather my thoughts.

No, I don't think so,

why do you care who Fernie bangs?

And don't tell me because

he's a bad influence.

I am not the one who's in trouble here.

No Tammy, hey, come...

Leave me alone!

Did you guys see the look in her eyes?

I'm surprised we're all still alive.

You're telling me.

Did you see it, Ty?

I heard it, but I was talking to Jackie.

Jackie, Jackie, you're

always talking to Jackie.

Listen guys, be warned,

all women go crazy eventually.

To hit and quit.

I mean, it's not that

bad, it's just a little cut.

A little cut, that's

easy for you to say,

you don't have a mark on you.

Yeah, but I'm gonna

have nightmares about

that glare for weeks.

Dude, that is a crazy b*tch.

Did you seriously have to

tell her about me and Bill?

And the baby, no less.

Look sweetie, I'm

sorry, but the truth was

going to come out anyway,

and that's a lot of pressure,

and you know, the cork's gonna pop.

Yeah.

So come out with it, Fernie.

Why'd Tammy lose her sh*t when she heard

you were banging Karen?

Pretty obvious, dude.

Is it?

Come on, don't make me say it.

Tammy's had a thing for me for years.

You must've seen it.

You know, I think a

reaction like that's a little,

a little much, huh?

Yeah, well you said it yourself.

She's psycho.

Here we go again.

What's wrong Alex, not used

to men walking towards you?

If I were you, I would

stop picking on me.

If I were you, I would

stop picking on me.

Okay, what, I haven't

even said anything yet.

Good job with the fight, Craig.

What, huh?

What, huh?

You yelled out cat fight

like some stupid frat boy.

I... represent.

Huh!

Come on baby, that's

exactly what it was.

Besides, I did way more

than he did to break it up.

All right, I'm going on my

break, you guys need anything?

No Jackie, I'm good, thank you.

I'm always good, but

you all ready knew that.

It never ends.

How'd you know girl, you

ain't even seen it yet?

You get it, right?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Man, I'm the funniest guy here.

You're the funniest guy at the bar.

Only if you count the guys that are

trying to be funny though.

But I am the best looking,

biggest catch at the bar.

Like the Moby Dick of bros.

I'm Broby Dick, that's awesome.

You got nice cheekbones.

Thanks, bro.

No really, that's awesome.

You know, it takes a man

who's real secure in his

masculinity to compliment

another mans looks.

I respect that.

No, I'm not too shabby myself,

so it's not like we're going

to compete with each other.

Exactly, bro.

I'm hot and you're hot, plenty

enough of us to go around.

Well you're in good

shape, I'll tell you that.

Thanks, man.

Just a few hours in the

gym each day, you know?

We should go together.

Really?

Of course man, let's get that pump.

Yeah, we'll do that, we can do that.

Yeah, it'll be great

dude, it'll be awesome.

Um, now you and Jackie,

is there something going on?

Oh, with her?

Yeah.

I mean, just your

average guy meets girl,

you know, then guy hits

on girl, girl slaps boy.

Rinse and repeat.

But one day, one day she'll realize that

she wants the Craigster.

I can see that.

I mean, you did see

the way she referenced

my love muscle.

Yeah, we all did.

Okay, I can't, I'm

pulling your dick, bro.

She can't stand me at all.

I have seen her checking you out though.

Well I don't know about all that.

I do, bro, I seen it!

Really?

Yeah man, you could tap that ass.

What's stopping you?

I'm not like you.

You know what, I'll be your mentor,

and your best bro.

I will be your Brobi Wan Kenobi.

And I could be your Luke Guywalker.

It's a start.

No, I mean, it's your first time.

That was my first one.

Exactly.

They'll get better.

We'll have plenty more.

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry.

No, it's okay, I'm finished.

I'll wait outside.

Don't be silly, come in.

Jackie.

Oh my God, Tyler, do I really

have to throw myself at you

to get you to notice me?

We just talked for half

an hour at the bar, I...

Tyler, I want you, I've

wanted you for weeks.

You're always the best

dressed guy in the bar.

Thank you, thank you.

Come on, I'm on break for 15 minutes.

No, this is not a good idea, Jackie.

Oh, what's wrong?

You nervous?

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

No, yes, very, very nervous, yes.

You wanna go back to my place?

We can relax properly?

Jackie, I'm not interested.

I don't get it.

It's not you.

What, you're married?

No, God.

Don't you like me?

Yes Jackie, I like you very much.

I mean, my breasts

aren't bad either, right?

I've been told they're pretty fantastic.

They're awesome, they're beautiful.

Please put them away.

I don't believe you.

It's not you, Jackie,

it's nothing personal.

What, you like somebody

else, Karen, Sandy?

No, oh no.

They're pretty hot, dude, I'd do them.

I should go.

No, I'll go.

I mean, you've gotta pee, right?

Jackie, give me that back. /

What's this?

Jackie!

Wait, stop screaming!

Oh my God, it's a suicide note!

Tyler, you need to call a hotline.

I knew it, you had to be depressed.

It's not a suicide note.

You're not alone, we're here with you.

Give me the note, Jackie.

You have so much to live

for, to throw it all away.

We're gonna get you help. /

I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die!

Nobody wants you to, you're loved.

You're not listening to me, Jackie.

I'm not gonna stand

by and let this happen.

Jackie, I like me,

okay, I like me, I'm gay!

It's not you, it is me.

Wow.

Okay, okay, well everything

makes so much more sense.

You could've told me

this three weeks ago.

Well nobody knows.

My aunt knows, I told her I'd

kill her if she told anyone.

That's overreacting a little bit.

Wait, are you threatening me?

No, and tonight was the

night I was coming out,

and I was nervous and I

just wrote some stuff down,

and that's the note.

That's what that note is.

Aw, that takes a lot of courage.

And I am relieved because

if you were straight

and rejected me, I'd

probably binge on ice cream

for the next two weeks.

Be right there with you,

there's another secret

that's not in the note.

Oh.

Well I come up here

every night to see Craig.

Wow.

Are you kidding?

Okay, I'm sorry, is my mascara running?

No, it looks good.

I'm not laughing at you, I promise.

But maybe finally now,

Craig will get some action.

Not even now, I'd never

talked to him until tonight,

he's kind of an ass.

Uh yeah, no kidding.

Could you do me a favor?

Don't tell anyone until I

make my announcement, okay?

Cross my heart.

You're a really sweet guy, Tyler.

Last chance.

I'm good, and you're pretty,

and all of that is awesome,

but you know.

Okay, I'll leave it alone

but if you ever want to

experiment, you know where to find me.

But that in the bank.

Holy sh*t, bro, bro, bro!

Hey, you did not just hit that?

Hit what?

Jackie man!

Dude I saw her coming

out of the bathroom,

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