You Can't Have It Page #6

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fixing her jacket and her apron.

Dude, the sign, I know what you did!

Yeah, it was great Craig,

she had long breasts.

Long tits?

No sh*t, like how long

though, like out here?

Like long, erect nipples.

Okay, awesome, did she?

Come on, did she?

You know, the face, the...

Yeah, she did!

Yeah, I know she did, yes!

Oh dude, I'm not

jealous or anything man.

I have a really healthy ego.

Man, honestly I'd like some advice.

Like what's your secret, bro?

Just be yourself.

What?

Don't what us, you just had

sex with Tyler, didn't you?

Oh, stop.

Oh my god girl, you

don't cover up well at all.

No, we didn't, I swear.

We were in there together

and we just talked.

What you talk about, huh?

His favorite position?

No, I swear to god, we

talked about authenticity.

You are full of sh*t.

So what's he like?

Is his dick as big as I imagined?

Guys, I can't really

get into this right now.

So it was like straight,

or is it crooked?

Because sometimes when it's crooked it

just hits that little spot, you know.

Oh my God, we literally just talked.

Trust me, it will make sense later.

It's hard to talk with

a dick in your mouth.

You guys.

Um, we've been friends

for a long time, right?

Oh sh*t, who did you do?

No one, no, I just wanted

to get everybody together

and just talk about something

that has been on my mind

for a long time.

And I thought it'd be

easier if I just had

everyone together.

Well come on, come on, out with it, man.

Guys, I'm gay.

Yeah, awesome, so what do

you wanna talk to us about?

That's not really news there, man.

Yeah, we've known for a while.

What?

What are you talking about?

I've got every chick here wanting me.

You guys are telling me

who to have sex with,

and new positions, and drawing diagrams.

Come on man, any other

guy would've been banging

Jackie for years, all right.

Plus you have a lilac...

It's a kerchief, it's French.

And tonight's the only

night that you've drank

something other than white wine.

Plus we heard you

screaming in the bathroom

four minutes ago.

No?

Scream what from the bathroom?

Tyler's gay.

Told you everything would make sense.

Dude, you're awesome, bro.

Yeah, thanks Craig.

No, really, you're a true American hero.

Like GI Bro status.

First you're banging the

snot out of Jackie in

the bathroom, and then

you come over here and

you tell us all that you're gay.

That's so good, I love you man.

Well I appreciate that,

Craig, that was nice.

We didn't do anything Craig.

I mean, how did you become so thick?

That's what she said.

Okay, you guys are crazy.

Tyler, we're really proud of you.

Thank you.

You know, you're brave,

and if you ever wanna like

experiment maybe, like

tag team me, a couple guys

or something, you know where to find me.

Well that is not out of question.

You know, it took a lot

of guts, you're awesome.

You are awesome, thank you.

Sorry about the big surprise.

Ah, it's all right,

what are you gonna do?

At least something positive happened.

I wanna thank you guys

for sticking with me

and making this a little easier on me.

Thank you.

Wait.

So, you're gay, you didn't tap that ass?

No, Jackie's great

but she's not my type.

Okay, what is?

I don't know, you finished drinking yet?

Finished drinking?

I don't know, is it morning yet?

Well have you ever had

the flavor of a nice pinot

in your mouth?

No, actually, I'm not

really a fan of white wine

but sure dude, I'll try

anything once, you're buying.

He's so easy.

Hey babe, how you doing?

You all right?

No, no, that is not a good

idea, do not come here.

No, we can talk about it later!

I gotta go, I gotta go.

Why so shady, brother?

What, you can't talk on the

phone in front of your friends.

That was Tammy, bro.

She's on her way back here.

And she called you?

Oh, she's gonna call you?

She wants to talk about it.

Well that doesn't sound good.

Yeah, you know her,

there's no way of knowing.

What they hell, she called

you from the parking lot.

Why did you change?

I told you not to come here.

You show up dressed like that.

I need to talk to Bill.

Tammy, you cannot tell

him about us, all right?

He's all ready suspicious.

I'm not losing my husband to that whore.

All right, he's my best

friend, I'm not losing that.

You lost that as soon as

you started banging his wife,

now didn't you?

What are you gonna tell him?

Oh, Fernie, it's none of your business.

It is my business.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of it, just relax.

Hi Billy boy.

Hey, sweetheart.

We have a lot to discuss, don't we?

Yeah, yeah we do.

Let's discuss how hot you look,

I've never seen you like this before.

Give me a hard on the size of Florida.

You're as shallow as

a kiddie wading pool.

Can you please just be

a man for five seconds?

I'll try, I can guarantee two or three.

What... about all this?

Well we have options.

Options, good, what are they?

Uh, well one, we can

just completely distance

ourselves from the whole

situation and pay child support.

Two, we can accept the

child into our lives.

Three, I can be in the child's life

and just not involve you at all.

Or four, Sandy could have an abortion,

but that would take a lot of persuading,

and I don't see that happening.

Hmm, so in all four of these scenarios,

you and I stay together.

Yeah, yeah, 100%, that's

what we want, right?

So, what do you wanna do?

Then I'll go with option

two, we stay in the kids life,

we help raise it.

I mean, just because

you're a real piece of work

doesn't mean the kid doesn't

deserve a dad, right?

Sounds like a plan.

I'll tell Sandy.

No you won't.

I won't?

I'll tell her.

Of course.

Where is she?

I haven't seen her.

Okay, well don't worry about it.

You just run off and play with

your little friends, okay?

Sandra, may I have a

word with you, please?

Yeah, okay, I don't think so.

You're lucky she's not in the hospital.

Well, she's about to be in the hospital

having my husbands baby, so

I think I deserve a word.

Not now, they need to settle...

You know, I'm as cool

as a cucumber, Karen.

The way I see it, the

kid just doesn't deserve

to grow up without a dad,

so I suggest that you and

I go somewhere privately,

and discuss the dynamics

of our new family.

All right.

Yeah, Karen, I'm willing to listen.

Will you excuse us?

You know, Karen can stay here,

I think you and I should go to

the bathroom, talk about it.

Okay.

Okay.

I have to get over him anyways.

Are you really gonna be okay.

Look, all things considered,

I owe you an apology.

I've been sleeping with

your husband and I'm sorry.

I know it was wrong.

Bro, what kind of bullshit is that?

What?

Options, I thought you

were breaking up with her.

What, I thought about it and I decided I

wanna stay alive.

Besides, she's started looking

hotter over the last hour.

Yeah, that's the magic of

makeup and a tight dress.

Come on?

Something's gotta happen

and it's gotta happen soon.

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