You Can't Take It with You Page #5

I'd like to settle my business before I go.

He's selling something for the government.

What can I do for you?

Mr. Vanderhof, our records show...

...that you have never paid any income tax.

That's right.

- Why not?

- I don't believe in it.

You don't believe in it?

Mr. Sycamore, I can't get these things

to go off. Look.

- Not now, Mr. DePinna.

- No. Not now. Grandpa's busy.

- Mr. Kirby. Mr. DePinna.

- How do you do?

Of course, didn't I read something

about your father?

He was indicted or something, wasn't he?

No, he just testified

before the Securities Commission.

- I thought the cops had got him.

- No.

- Come along, Mr. DePinna. Come on.

- See here, Mr. Vanderhof.

Whether you believe it or not, you owe

the government 22 years back income taxes.

Wait a minute. That's too far back.

That's outlawed, ain't it?

- What's your name?

- What's the difference?

- Did you ever file an income tax return?

- No, sir.

- What was your income last year?

- I don't know, about $85, wasn't it?

I don't know.

Now, Mr. Vanderhof, that's a serious thing,

not filing an income tax return.

Now, just suppose I do pay you this money.

Mind you, I don't say that I'm going to,

but just for the sake of argument...

...what's the government

going to do with it?

- What do you mean?

- What do I get for my money?

For instance, if I go into a department store

and buy something...

...there it is. I can see it.

But what are they going to give me?

The government gives you everything.

It protects you.

From what?

Invasion. How do you think the government

will keep up the Army and Navy...

...with all those battleships?

- Battleships?

Last time we used battleships

was in the Spanish-American War...

...and what did we get out of that?

Cuba. And we gave that back.

Why, I wouldn't mind paying

for something sensible.

Something sensible! What about Congress

and the Supreme Court and the President?

- We've got to pay them, don't we?

- Not with my money, no, sir.

Now, wait a minute.

I didn't come here to argue with you.

Hello, everybody.

- Hello, Tony.

- Hello, Alice.

- Is everybody acquainted with everybody?

- Yes, indeed.

We've had a most delightful talk

about love and marriage.

I'm sorry. I tried to hurry.

Look, Mr. Vanderhof.

You haven't paid any income tax,

and you've got to pay it.

- What was that?

- I said you've got to pay it.

Well, you've got to show me.

We don't have to show you. I just told you.

Who's going to pay for all those buildings

in Washington and interstate commerce?

And the Constitution?

The Constitution has been paid for

years ago.

And as for interstate commerce...

What is interstate commerce anyway?

There are 48 states, see?

If it wasn't for the interstate commerce...

...nothing could go

from one state to another, see?

Why not? Have they got fences?

No, they haven't got fences.

They've got laws.

Holy smokes!

I never ran across anything like this before.

I might pay about $75...

...but it isn't worth a cent more.

You'll pay every cent just like anybody else.

Now, listen to me.

You'll go to jail if you don't pay.

That's law.

If you think you're bigger than that,

you've got another thing coming.

You're the same as anybody else...

...and the sooner you get that

through your head, the better.

Holy smokes!

My father makes fireworks in the cellar.

- How did that sound to you?

- Pretty good.

Thanks.

I guess we'd better be going, Tony.

- Say, he was pretty mad, wasn't he?

- He certainly was.

That might get you into trouble,

Mr. Vanderhof.

No, not me. I was only having fun with him.

I don't owe the government a cent.

- We're going. Good night, everybody.

- Good night.

- We're going. Good night, everybody.

- Good night.

- Hello, everybody.

- Hello, Kolenkhov.

You know, never have I seen you look

more magnificent.

Thank you. Mr. Kirby, this is Mr. Kolenkhov,

Essie's dancing teacher.

- I don't know you, but you are a lucky man.

- Thank you.

- I practiced today, Mr. Kolenkhov.

- My Pavlova.

- Grandpa, I am in time for dinner, no?

- You are in time for dinner, yes.

Goodbye, Mr. Kolenkhov.

We're going to the Monte Carlo Ballet.

The Monte Carlo Ballet?

It stinks.

Good night, everybody.

- Good night.

- Good night.

The Monte Carlo Ballet!

Dinner's ready.

My little Rheba,

what would I do without my angel?

Only three shirts. They must be washed

by your beautiful hands...

...and would you sew on two buttons?

Monte Carlo Ballet! Sergei Diaghilev!

Then you have ballet.

Quite, please.

Quiet.

Well, sir. Here we are again.

We've been getting on good for a while,

and we're certainly much obliged.

Looks like Alice is going to get married,

and I think she'll be very happy...

...because we just met the boy you sent her

and he looks fine.

Remember, all we ask is to go along

the way we are and keep our health...

...as far as anything else is concerned,

we leave that up to you.

Thank you.

Mr. Kolenkhov,

did you bring me any Russian stamps?

No. Nobody writes to me. They're all dead.

I was just thinking about that family

of yours.

Living with them is like living in a world

that Walt Disney might have thought of.

Everybody does just as he pleases,

doesn't he?

Yes, Grandpa started it.

He suddenly quit business one day.

He started up in the elevator, came

right down again and never went back.

He could have been a rich man,

but he said he wasn't having any fun.

That's wonderful.

Then he started collecting stamps

because that's what he liked best.

You know, he gets paid

just to appraise collections.

- He's an expert.

- That's marvelous.

My dad, he makes fireworks

because he never grew up, I guess.

And, Mother.

Do you know why Mother writes plays?

She likes literature and good books.

No, because eight years ago, a typewriter

was delivered to the house by mistake.

If it had been a plough,

she'd have taken up farming, huh?

I'm sure of it, if she'd liked it.

This is making conversation, but weren't we

supposed to go to the ballet?

Yes. Well, let's see.

Yes, second seat over, miss.

I can talk and I can listen, or I can just sit.

- What will you have?

- Well, I think I'd like to have this first.

- Mr. Moody, what are you thinking about?

- Me?

That family of yours.

Boy, they knocked me for a loop.

I don't know.

It just seems like, in their own way,

they've found what everybody's looking for.

People spend their whole lives

building castles in the air...

...and then nothing ever comes of them.

Wonder why that is?

It takes courage.

Everybody's afraid to live.

You ought to hear Grandpa on that subject.

You know, he says...

...most people nowadays are run by fear,

fear of what they eat...

...fear of what they drink,

fear of their jobs, their future, their health.

They're scared to save money,

and scared to spend it.

You know what his pet aversion is?

People who commercialize on fear,

scare you to death to sell you something...

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