You Don't Mess with the Zohan
You don't mess with the Zohan!
Come disco.
No, no, no.
I no disco, I make the fish.
Danny, come on, go disco.
Oh, okay. Disco!
Danny, that looks good. You're gonna
be a hit at your bar mitzvah.
So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,
I no see you disco.
No, no, no. I making dagim.
I no disco.
A real man, he can disco
and cooking dagim.
So let's go.
Go, go.
I get the hummus for you.
And for you.
Little for me, eh!
No.
No.
Kapara, what is going on!
Just some bullshit-uchen.
Let's go!
Hey, I'm on vacation here.
Can't you see this!
You promised me time off.
Get someone else to do it.
Are they gonna hurt him!
No one can hurt the Zohan.
- Bye, Zohan.
- Take care, man.
The terrorist known as Phantom...
Hacky Sack tournament in Beirut.
He may be have been trying to
bait us by surfacing briefly.
We believe he's being kept in a safe
house on the Lebanon border.
How is we lose Phantom!
Didn't I capture Phantom
three months ago!
What, you didn't hear
about the trade!
What trade!
Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.
No!
What do you mean,
we give back the Phantom!
Zohan, relax.
It was a good trade.
We got back Etan and David.
That's all we got
for a veteran terrorist!
Come on, we got hosed here.
They threw in a spy
to be named later.
Come on, Zohan,
you have to like that deal.
Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.
Ze'ev.
Come on, he's not even a good spy.
He got caught, for God's sake.
He's a stupid.
Our plan is to enter the building from
the front with a team of eight men...
...with an additional 12 men
at perimeter positions.
Unfortunately, there is a high
probability of collateral damage...
...including property and loss of life,
on both sides.
Okay, here we go.
Excuse me!
Come on, is it not safer
to send one man into building...
...with minimal coverage
to take out the target...
...instead of blowing up
half the neighborhood!
Well, who would do that!
Oh, "who would do that!"
You know you were
going to ask the Zohan.
Zohan, why you say this!
I just laid out an entire plan
which didn't rely on you.
Come on, Yaron,
you're setting me up.
All this talk of civilian casualties,
then of course I end up doing it.
- But I'm not even asking you to do it.
- All right, I'll do it.
Give me Avi and Koby as watch,
I'll get it done without the mess.
Well, thank you. You didn't have to.
Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.
Have some Fizzy Bubblech.
"Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.
"Avalon."
Chunky cuts.
Zohan, what are you doing!
The girls are here.
I know, I was watching television.
Well, if you want to have fun with us,
we're right next door.
- Good with the sticky, you should do it.
- No, no, no.
I am going to dinner with my parents.
Just leave me alone.
- All right, all right.
- It is all right!
You don't giggle at the Zohan.
You hear me!
No giggling at the Zohan.
You never giggle at the Zohan.
What's the matter, tatele?
You haven't touched
your baba ganoush.
What would you think if I tell you...
...I want to leaving the army,
start a new life!
Why would you do that!
You are good at it. It's steady pay.
You can't leave,
you're one of their best.
Besides, you are too old
to take a risk.
Stay in the army, play it safe.
besides war.
You don't war.
- I was in the real war.
- I know, I know the story.
We were surrounded on all sides,
outnumbered.
- And in six days, we...
- And in six days, we won.
You won. I'm sorry,
I don't have a big, fancy war...
...that lasted all of six days...
Six days and five hours.
Your generation likes to forget that.
Dad, I've done so much
for the country. When does it end!
They've been fighting for 2000 years.
It can't be much longer.
All of my friends served
Why can't I move on!
Do something else.
Something more creative.
Creative, what!
You've caught so many terrorists,
it's an art.
You're like Rembrandt
with a grenade.
What will you do!
Maybe go to America.
What, and haggle over
stereo equipment!
Wait a minute, Ya'acov.
Uncle Levi will set you up
at electronic store.
You make money, sow your
creative oats, you come back.
No, I don't want to do
electronics store.
Then how will you make money!
I don't want to say.
Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,
who can you tell!
Come, Zohanele.
I want to cut...
...and style hair.
You... You fagala?
He's fag... Faga...
I like hair. It's pleasant,
it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.
Well, you're only digging
that fagala hole deeper and deeper.
Hello, down there!
Hello, in the fagala hole.
Maybe he wants Vaseline.
Yes, it's so funny.
I just want to make people
silky smooth.
You know the Phantom will try to run,
so be ready for this.
- Zohan, now!
- So let's go.
The Zohan.
Freeze!
I get it, I get it,
you guys don't like our country.
So we are the bad ones.
I'd love to sit and discuss this
with you, but I'm short on time.
I'm just saying.
It's not so cut-and-dry.
We settled here
for hundreds of years!
Good point.
None of my ancestors ever stepped
foot in this land. No, you're right.
Hey, don't walk away!
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
Hello, jackass.
You think you can oppress my people,
landgrabber!
But I will never disappear.
No one can catch Phantom!
So let's go.
Very good.
Sorry. It's for the cause.
Zohan.
Zohan, bring it.
Why you do this! I feel no pain.
No, no, no. I feel no pain.
- I feel no pain. This is too much...
- No, no, no. I feel no pain.
I have told you in other fights.
No, no, no. I kill you right now.
Look, look, look.
The piranha,
it looks very painful for you.
Is good, is good.
Is very nice. Yes, yes.
Fizzy Bubblech for me.
You like what you see!
Time to die.
So let's go.
Okay, game over.
Yeah!
I kill!
I kill the Zohan!
Zohan is dead.
The Phantom!
Cutting the hair,
this makes something beautiful.
Instead of shooting it.
That's why I had to fake to die.
I could have captured Phantom again,
but for what! They trade him.
I love my country,
but the fighting, it never ends.
It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.
Coco, you bite him back.
Soon you are both having worms,
eating your own poopech...
I understand. The pills.
Your parents think
they know what's best for you.
Sleep.
It's all about not getting recognized.
I know how great I looked
in the beard...
but I'll make this work for me,
you'll see.
Rise and shine, guys.
Good morning.
Is nice, huh!
It's the Avalon.
It says I care about the way I look,
but I'm still approachable.
Oh, you like this!
Who wants to go next, guys!
Who wants to look silky smooth!
Yes. Yes.
Oh, where are my two little babies!
Oh, come on.
Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.
Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.
Mr. Scrappy. Coco.
What happened!
Who gave you permission
to do this, huh!
Who did! Answer me.
Scrappy, was it you!
It was you, wasn't it!
You're always the instigator.
2 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"You Don't Mess with the Zohan" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/you_don't_mess_with_the_zohan_23859>.
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