You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #2
Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.
Never again are you gonna travel.
Take me to the Paul Mitchell
hair salon.
- First time in New York!
- Yes, my friend.
So, what brings you here!
I have a dream.
I had a dream too.
What dream you have!
My dream was to come to America...
...and make enough money
to send for me brothers and sisters...
...so that we all could enjoy
freedom together.
- This is good dream.
- Oh, yes, it is.
- Is dream come true!
- No, man.
Me brothers and sisters
were hacked to death.
But I love the Chinese food here.
It's incredible.
- Hey, you forgot these.
- Those are for you, my friend.
Good morning for you.
I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.
And who are you!
Scrappy Coco.
I am here to take a job from him.
He isn't in right now.
That's good. So I will wait, then.
You know what! I'll take
one Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.
You know,
he actually doesn't come in too often.
Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,
so let's go.
- I am the best.
- The best at what!
All of this. The cutting, the styling,
I wanna know who cuts your hair.
Oh, you like this, eh!
This is the Avalon,
straight from the Paul Mitchell book.
I haven't seen that style
since Luke married Laura.
Sister, are you this Laura!
You tell Paul Mitchell,
Scrappy Coco was here to see him.
If I find out he was here...
...or you are keeping him
hidden from me...
...I will destroy you.
Believe me this.
What the hell was this, champ!
I'm not paying for that!
This a**hole cut me off,
made me swerve into you!
With all due respect,
I was in the bicycle lane.
You came like a madman.
Be glad nobody was hurt.
I mean, somebody could've died.
I mean, you came...
Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.
You do not want to be
throwing bicycles.
Look, stay out of my business,
Mustafa.
"Mustafa"! This is not my name.
Who tells you this is my name!
Whatever.
Salami, bologna, apple sauce.
Apple who!
My friend, if I were you,
Avoid the pain.
Listen, go back to your goddamned
pretzel stand. We got it...
- Look what I've got. It's right here.
- Please!
- I've got it.
- Please, let me go.
I never work at pretzel stand.
You like to insult people!
Was that your feet!
Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.
This is good.
Now take it.
- That's for you.
- All right, let me go!
You said you wanted pretzel!
Okay, I'm good.
Beautiful.
You want some chickens!
No, no, no. I fix for you.
It's all b'seder.
What are you, bionic!
No, no, no. I only like the girls.
Thanks, anyways.
This is ridiculous traffic.
Anyway, George insisted
we have the party.
- I always get midnight shift.
- Could you keep it down, please!
I no sleep,
Are you even watching the road!
Be nice. He could be a terrorist.
- Why Hamdi no get no midnight!
- Could you at least change the station!
- Hey, that was amazing.
- Oh, yes.
Where are you from, anyway!
Where am I from!
Australia.
Really!
Because you sound Middle Eastern.
No, no, no. Similar accents.
- Kangaroo. You see!
- Sure.
This is ridiculous. We're getting out.
- Come on, dear.
- I've been working longer than Hamdi.
- You want me to get you home!
- No, I'll grab a cab.
You've done enough.
That was crazy.
Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?
Oh, you know you're boning me.
I don't know that.
It's you.
- What is happening!
- What's happening!
It's bullshaklaga.
- We have to go.
- Go where!
- I'll run you.
- What are you doing!
This is legal!
Scrappy, have another kneidlach.
Come on.
You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.
It reminds me of my mother's cooking
in Australia.
Really!
It's funny, you don't sound Australian.
Yes, no, no, no.
This is because I am half Australian...
...half Mount Everest.
So this is what you're hearing.
Well, Australia,
it must be really nice there...
...since they got rid of the apartheid.
Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.
So, Scrappy,
I understand you cut hair.
I will be working
with Mr. Paul Mitchell...
...as soon as I find out
where they are hiding him.
Oh, Mom, Scrappy
doesn't have a place to stay yet.
- Really!
- Not yet.
Well, actually,
there's a nice one-bedroom...
...that just opened up upstairs.
Nice light, not huge.
And they redid the kitchen very well.
- This could be good.
- Could be good.
Could be good.
Hey, Mom,
do you know where the detergent is!
- That's very good.
- Oh, my God!
What! What's the matter!
What's the matter! That's my mom.
- It's okay, Michael.
- I know it's your mother.
She's very beautiful.
Michael, I haven't made sticky
in two days.
- What do you want from me!
- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!
- Or dead!
- No, Michael.
You do... What's he doing now!
Why'd that happen!
Why'd that happen!
It's okay. Let me talk to him.
Oh, I can't get up.
No, no. You'll feel your legs again
in two hours.
Michael.
Come on, this is nothing
to feel bad about.
Me sexing your mother.
It's beautiful. It's natural.
No, I didn't bring you home
to do it with my mother.
Why not, huh!
You don't want her to be happy!
Did you see her! Did you look at her!
I don't think
I can ever look at her again.
Michael, her face
during the big bang-boom!
You did not see!
She was glowing.
Patches. What are you...!
Michael, come on.
They'll be plenty of time
for you and me.
Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!
How's this!
to a disco tonight!
Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!
Yes, you need your penachim
to take a swim.
Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.
It wouldn't hurt.
Disco, disco.
Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!
Come on, you get to disco.
- All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.
- Okay.
I do your mother one more time,
and then we go.
- Wha...!
- Seconds already!
Oh, yes.
Hey. Look at this.
This is what you need, man,
to let off a little steam, huh!
How many times a day do you
make sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!
How many times a day!
I've had sex once in my life.
It was at tennis camp.
It was awful.
You're too picky, Michael.
Maybe that's the problem.
Every weed in the desert
is still a flower.
Look at this. This a big one, eh!
But look at the tits.
These will bounce nice for you.
Your mother, she has huge poopeh.
I mean, very wide.
But what I see are two big, strong legs
wrapped around my head, squeezing.
So who wants to get some
poontachen?
- I wanna get some poontachen?
- Well, let's get some. Yes.
It's good for you. Nice spinning.
This is what I'm talking about.
You play this.
- I ain't playing this corny sh*t.
- No, no.
I need to set the
mood for my friend.
Get out,
you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...
- Disco, disco.
- Good, good!
- Disco, disco.
- Good, good!
Yes, hello. Hello.
Hey, Zohan.
Who you looking for!
It's okay, no one can hear me
2 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"You Don't Mess with the Zohan" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/you_don't_mess_with_the_zohan_23859>.
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