You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #2

Synopsis: Zohan Dvir works as a Special Agent and lives with his orthodox parents in Israel. He wants to give up this life full of dangerous encounters with Palestinians. While in the process of apprehending a Palestinian activist known simply as the Phantom, he fakes his death, hides in a dog-kennel on a plane bound for New York, and decides to try his hand as a hair-stylist. He is refused employment initially, but when he offers to work for free, Dahlia hires him as a cleaner. When a hair-stylist named Debbie quits, Zohan replaces her, winning over elderly female clientèle, and falling in love with Dahlia herself. Before Zohan could propose to her, Dahlia's landlord, Walbridge, who has been raising rents regularly, hires skinhead goons to terrorize the neighborhood, creates misunderstandings between Jews, Muslims, Arabs, and Palestinians, and drives them out, so as to enable him to construct a new building which is topped by a roller coaster. When Zohan decides to confront these skinheads, he
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Dennis Dugan
Production: Sony Pictures
  2 wins & 1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
5.5
Metacritic:
54
Rotten Tomatoes:
38%
PG-13
Year:
2008
113 min
$100,018,837
Website
3,453 Views


Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.

Never again are you gonna travel.

Take me to the Paul Mitchell

hair salon.

- First time in New York!

- Yes, my friend.

So, what brings you here!

I have a dream.

I had a dream too.

What dream you have!

My dream was to come to America...

...and make enough money

to send for me brothers and sisters...

...so that we all could enjoy

freedom together.

- This is good dream.

- Oh, yes, it is.

- Is dream come true!

- No, man.

Me brothers and sisters

were hacked to death.

But I love the Chinese food here.

It's incredible.

- Hey, you forgot these.

- Those are for you, my friend.

Good morning for you.

I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.

And who are you!

Scrappy Coco.

I am here to take a job from him.

He isn't in right now.

That's good. So I will wait, then.

You know what! I'll take

one Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.

You know,

he actually doesn't come in too often.

Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,

so let's go.

- I am the best.

- The best at what!

All of this. The cutting, the styling,

the making it silky smooth.

I wanna know who cuts your hair.

Oh, you like this, eh!

This is the Avalon,

straight from the Paul Mitchell book.

I haven't seen that style

since Luke married Laura.

Sister, are you this Laura!

You tell Paul Mitchell,

Scrappy Coco was here to see him.

If I find out he was here...

...or you are keeping him

hidden from me...

...I will destroy you.

Believe me this.

What the hell was this, champ!

I'm not paying for that!

This a**hole cut me off,

made me swerve into you!

With all due respect,

I was in the bicycle lane.

You came like a madman.

Be glad nobody was hurt.

I mean, somebody could've died.

I mean, you came...

Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.

You do not want to be

throwing bicycles.

Look, stay out of my business,

Mustafa.

"Mustafa"! This is not my name.

Who tells you this is my name!

Whatever.

Salami, bologna, apple sauce.

Apple who!

My friend, if I were you,

I would change the tone.

Avoid the pain.

Listen, go back to your goddamned

pretzel stand. We got it...

- Look what I've got. It's right here.

- Please!

- I've got it.

- Please, let me go.

I never work at pretzel stand.

You like to insult people!

Was that your feet!

Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.

Here comes the double foot.

This is good.

Smell it, smell it, smell it.

Now take it.

- That's for you.

- All right, let me go!

You said you wanted pretzel!

Okay, I'm good.

Beautiful.

You want some chickens!

No, no, no. I fix for you.

It's all b'seder.

What are you, bionic!

No, no, no. I only like the girls.

Thanks, anyways.

This is ridiculous traffic.

Anyway, George insisted

we have the party.

- I always get midnight shift.

- Could you keep it down, please!

I no sleep,

I no see World Series Poker.

Are you even watching the road!

Be nice. He could be a terrorist.

- Why Hamdi no get no midnight!

- Could you at least change the station!

- Hey, that was amazing.

- Oh, yes.

Where are you from, anyway!

Where am I from!

Australia.

Really!

Because you sound Middle Eastern.

No, no, no. Similar accents.

- Kangaroo. You see!

- Sure.

This is ridiculous. We're getting out.

- Come on, dear.

- I've been working longer than Hamdi.

- You want me to get you home!

- No, I'll grab a cab.

You've done enough.

That was crazy.

Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?

Oh, you know you're boning me.

I don't know that.

It's you.

- What is happening!

- What's happening!

It's bullshaklaga.

- We have to go.

- Go where!

- I'll run you.

- What are you doing!

This is legal!

Scrappy, have another kneidlach.

Come on.

You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.

It reminds me of my mother's cooking

in Australia.

Really!

It's funny, you don't sound Australian.

Yes, no, no, no.

This is because I am half Australian...

...half Mount Everest.

So this is what you're hearing.

Well, Australia,

it must be really nice there...

...since they got rid of the apartheid.

Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.

So, Scrappy,

I understand you cut hair.

I will be working

with Mr. Paul Mitchell...

...as soon as I find out

where they are hiding him.

Oh, Mom, Scrappy

doesn't have a place to stay yet.

- Really!

- Not yet.

Well, actually,

there's a nice one-bedroom...

...that just opened up upstairs.

Nice light, not huge.

And they redid the kitchen very well.

- This could be good.

- Could be good.

Could be good.

Hey, Mom,

do you know where the detergent is!

- That's very good.

- Oh, my God!

What! What's the matter!

What's the matter! That's my mom.

- It's okay, Michael.

- I know it's your mother.

She's very beautiful.

Michael, I haven't made sticky

in two days.

- What do you want from me!

- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!

- Or dead!

- No, Michael.

You do... What's he doing now!

Why'd that happen!

Why'd that happen!

It's okay. Let me talk to him.

Oh, I can't get up.

No, no. You'll feel your legs again

in two hours.

Michael.

Come on, this is nothing

to feel bad about.

Me sexing your mother.

It's beautiful. It's natural.

No, I didn't bring you home

to do it with my mother.

Why not, huh!

You don't want her to be happy!

Did you see her! Did you look at her!

I don't think

I can ever look at her again.

Michael, her face

during the big bang-boom!

You did not see!

She was glowing.

Patches. What are you...!

Michael, come on.

They'll be plenty of time

for you and me.

Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!

How's this!

No, why would I wanna go

to a disco tonight!

Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!

You could use a little stank.

Yes, you need your penachim

to take a swim.

Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.

It wouldn't hurt.

Disco, disco.

Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!

Come on, you get to disco.

- All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.

- Okay.

I do your mother one more time,

and then we go.

- Wha...!

- Seconds already!

Oh, yes.

Hey. Look at this.

This is what you need, man,

to let off a little steam, huh!

How many times a day do you

make sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!

How many times a day!

I've had sex once in my life.

It was at tennis camp.

It was awful.

You're too picky, Michael.

Maybe that's the problem.

Every weed in the desert

is still a flower.

Look at this. This a big one, eh!

But look at the tits.

These will bounce nice for you.

Your mother, she has huge poopeh.

I mean, very wide.

But what I see are two big, strong legs

wrapped around my head, squeezing.

So who wants to get some

poontachen?

- I wanna get some poontachen?

- Well, let's get some. Yes.

It's good for you. Nice spinning.

This is what I'm talking about.

You play this.

- I ain't playing this corny sh*t.

- No, no.

I need to set the

mood for my friend.

Get out,

you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...

- Disco, disco.

- Good, good!

- Disco, disco.

- Good, good!

Yes, hello. Hello.

Hey, Zohan.

Who you looking for!

It's okay, no one can hear me

Rate this script:3.3 / 3 votes

Adam Sandler

Adam Richard Sandler is an American comedian, actor, and filmmaker. He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, before going on to star in many Hollywood films, which have combined to earn more than $2 billion at the box office. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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