You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #3

in disco, Zohan.

Can you believe the poontachat

in this place!

I'm not Zohan.

My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.

What!

Of course you are Zohan Dvir.

They all think you dead in Israel.

I'm not going to tell.

Tell what!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Zohan, it's okay.

Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.

The way you took out

Abdullah Meda in '94.

And when you made Melami Benazir

eat his own sh*t in '97.

I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.

So, what the fachma

are you doing here!

Come with me.

Look, I couldn't take

all the fighting anymore.

- What's it all for!

- Are you crazy!

If I could blow a terrorist

inside out like you...

...this is all I would do.

I'd never sleep.

- This is exaggeration.

- No, it's not.

You made Palami Habdallah's poodle

sit on a live grenade.

- You gotta show me how you did that.

- I don't remember. I was young.

So tell me the truth.

Why are you in America!

I no want to tell you.

What! What! Come on.

You are the best, Zohan.

Whatever you say is good.

I want to be hairdresser.

You a fagala?

I can't believe it.

A great warrior, but also a fagala

with the penachim.

No, no, no. I like hair.

Come on, man, I get you real job.

You come by my shop tomorrow.

Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!

- Everyone will recognize me.

- No, you don't look like same Zohan.

You have silly haircut now.

- I have what haircut!

- What!

- You say I look silly!

- No, no. Who said this!

- You said this.

- No, no. Nobody say nothing.

I don't need your job.

I get my own job on my own

at a big salon. You will see.

You ever cut a sister's hair before!

Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,

grandpa, the whole family.

I'm good at this.

Have you ever worked

with dreads before!

This is what you do.

No more. This creature slayed.

It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.

He's got me. He's got me. Okay.

Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.

We got you.

And we finish him.

You back away, I take hold of him.

Go! Go! Go out! Go now!

Go!

This is hair. This is hair.

Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!

A big part of our job here

is making this a fun experience.

Of course, of course.

For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,

and it can be very frightening.

- I can imagine.

- I don't want a haircut.

Get away from me.

Let me go.

Young man, look what I found here.

A nice balloon.

Do you want it! It's right here.

You shouldn't jump around...

...when this nice woman's

holding a sharp pair of scissors.

If you move, she could slip and

slice your jugular vein on accident.

There's no way to stitch the jugular.

All of your blood will be on the floor

in four minutes.

I've seen this. I've done this.

You don't want this.

Well, then, at least it's a good time to

shave his neck. I would get him quick.

When I was your age

I already killed seven men.

Maybe you should grow up.

I promise you you won't regret.

And come back.

"Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.

It really isn't...

It's not really Fujigawa.

It's Sony guts.

- Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...

- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.

- Four-hundred fifty.

- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."

No, no, no. What you going to believe,

me or the ad! Four-fifty.

Hello, Going Out of Business.

Can I help you!

Sony, yes. Three hundred.

Come in, yes. Very good, very good.

Hi. I represent the new owner

of this building.

Good for you. Want a birthday cake!

What do you want!

Yamaha is very good.

Did you receive our letter

regarding your rent!

- This I don't know.

- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.

No, no, no. This is too much.

Eighty-five hundred

is all we'll give you.

- This isn't negotiable. We can get...

- Ten thousand, that's all.

We both go home happy.

- I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.

- Okay, no deal.

You come back when you

want to deal.

- Sir, you don't understand.

- Go.

What you still here for! You like me!

I have girlfriend. Go.

Thank you very much.

Hey, look who's here.

Come on, not so loud.

Don't worry, Zohan.

I tell you, they don't recognize you.

Yosi. This is good man.

This Chocolat Coco.

- Scrappy Coco.

- Scrappy Coco.

Cooking Who-co!

Yes, yes.

So you're going out of business!

No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.

Is good for business.

Yeah, so you look me up, man.

That's cool.

I come for job.

Job. So you not big hairstyle!

It's not really happening for me

so far.

So I am here. So let's go.

No. No job.

What do you mean!

You tell me to come here.

I can no let you do this.

You want to be hair homo.

No, so I do this for now.

It's all yofi tofi.

Is no now.

Once you start in electronics store,

you never get out.

Look at Ephraim. You see!

I don't see nothing wrong with that.

It's perfect.

Ephraim came to America...

...to be racing car driver.

But he let slip away.

I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.

Pinchas wanted to be

the next Bill Cosby.

No. Is resistant, no proof.

You don't understand!

But the store kept pulling him back.

Maybe you swimming with the watch.

- I'm not swimming...

- Is resistant.

Yosi wanted to be a hand model.

What, you don't like this! Look at this.

This is most beautiful.

But he got too comfortable here.

Press this button, it's free HBO.

The electronics store

is a dream killer.

And I won't let the Zohan

kill his dream.

You are a real mensch, Oori.

You the mensch.

Come.

What! What's this!

You may not go for this,

but this place cross the street...

- Yes!

- They maybe take you.

- Is good place!

- No, is dump, but they take you.

Is on Palestinian side of street.

Palestinian!

No, no, no.

Look, nobody kill you there.

Here nobody care.

First off, no one kill me anywhere.

But Palestinian, no.

I've done enough

to my parents already.

I just want job for the Zohan.

And it kills me

the way Phantom bastard...

...getting his buttochim kissed

in Palestine now.

Buttochim kissed! What's this!

He have business.

He buy wives.

Him!

They say his ugly face everywhere.

Everyone is running

To Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen

For the food the heroes eat

Kubeh, sambouesk,

Delicious muchentuchen

You never know who you'll meet

You are going to get spoiled.

Phantom Muchentuchen!

Oh, yeah!

This month,

order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...

...and get action figures from

Phantom Presents: Death to Zohan.

Unbelievable.

This animal gets to live his dream.

But, me, I...

I can no work Palestinian, no.

It's like... I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

Is your dream to cut hair.

You want fight, or you want hair!

I want hair. But I'm scared.

Is America.

You can do anything here.

You never done something

people thought was impossible!

So you don't want to talk, huh!

I'll make you talk.

I can do this.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

So you have never cut hair before.

I have cut my own hair

and several dogs.

I have the Paul Mitchell book,

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