You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #4

I have the stamina, the desire...

But you have no training

or experience.

Would you hire someone

with experience in something else!

In what!

Can anyone here do this!

Okay. I have never seen that.

That is very nice,

but that is not going to help me.

No hands.

Besides, I have no openings.

If anything, I need to scale back...

...since they just raised my rent

through the roof.

Out of nowhere, some guy with a tie

comes in and tells me I need to pay.

Stop it!

I only wish to learn.

I will do whatever it takes.

Fine. You can sweep up hair

a few shifts a week.

- You won't be...

- No pay.

No, no, no.

But then, I will become stylist, yes!

That could be a while.

I will wait turn. You will see.

I will get nighttime job for money.

Soon the whole world

will be silky smooth.

Zohan.

- Carmen Electra has the best tits now.

- Oh, please.

Oh, my God.

I wonder how much she paid for them.

They're so perky.

You know, leave it to her

to buy the best tits.

It's always first class with that one.

You know you don't have to catch

every piece of hair as it falls.

Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.

One single hair is unacceptable.

As you were.

Yes. I got this.

"Did you see

the new Kate Hudson movie!

I think she is even more vivacious

than her mother."

Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.

Now, let's practice on Michael.

Michael!

Could you come in here, please!

What! What is...!

Oh, Scrappy needs to practice

small-talking.

Can we do this another time! I have

a shot at keeping my food down.

Michael, I want to practice now.

I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.

Why won't you help me!

Oh, honey.

You are good at everything you do.

- Got it.

- Thanks.

So you're making her silky smooth,

huh, Claude!

- Framing her face!

- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.

This is smart.

A nice layered style

with the soft bangs...

...is good for a bigger woman

like this.

- Coco.

- Takes the eyes off the moon face...

...and brings it toward the titzim.

Coco.

I need to speak to you.

In private.

Private. A secret!

They will never get it out of me,

I promise you.

Coco, Claude is trying to work.

Yes. He's very good.

So I am ready to cut hair today.

So let's go, let's get it on.

No. Let's not go.

But I am the best.

Don't tell me you're the best.

- I have the desire, the stamina.

- You've been here two days.

I run this place for five years.

I think I know when you are ready

to cut hair.

Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.

No, no, no.

I do not touch this

with your penachim.

Out of respect for the working.

No, you don't eat where you sh*t.

Or sh*t where you eat.

Whatever the...

The smell is bad.

This is called a comb.

- With the fingers!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

- Scrappy.

- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.

I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.

- Okay. All right.

- I apologize.

- Take him where he wants to go.

- Thank you. Okay.

- Good luck.

- It will be fine.

- Your limousine has arrived, sir.

- You're observant, Tyler.

Thank you, Big Mac.

I am really late for a hotel opening

downtown. The Walbridge Hotel.

I understand, sir. I know the

neighborhoods inside and backwards.

- We will not let them stop us.

- What!

I'm not in much of a hurry.

Oh, no.

You want some coffee back there!

No!

I will lose them.

Nobody is following us.

Oh, sh*t!

Have a good time, sir.

Debbie, you did a good job.

You look very bangable,

Mrs. Rosen.

Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...

...when you first came in,

you looked hideous.

There was nothing attractive.

But now, I must say,

my schtitzel, it's about to burst.

- It could break these any...

- What are you doing!

We are talking shop.

No. No.

- Look, Coco...

- What!

You need to calm down now, okay!

I don't think these customers

like the way you talk shop.

Nobody say this.

Coco, remember,

respect for the workplace.

I have betrayed my salon.

He's trying to kill himself.

- Scrappy.

- I deserve this.

No, no. Just... Just...

Easy on the ladies.

I didn't mind.

Take care, Mrs. Paulson.

She did not mind.

Let me disinfect the scissors...

...so someone else

can make someone else silky smooth.

I'll just clean up.

Rafaela's Salon.

What! No.

Debbie, she quit.

- What!

- Sorry.

Claude, did you know about this!

I should have told you.

She's been looking for a new job

since those rent guys came around.

Then why you no say nothing,

little b*tch!

Don't worry,

I'm not giving up on this place.

You're a good guy, habibi.

I just... I don't know what to do.

So let's go.

Scrappy, I have enough problems

right now.

I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.

But if you screw up...

I can't afford a screwup right now.

No, no, no. I no screw up.

I am the best for the job.

Yeah, but you push and push.

"When is my turn"!

I have to care about salon.

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no.

You care about you. And don't fight

in front of the customer.

Mrs. Skitzer,

I am afraid our stylist is out today.

Would you care to wait for Claude!

Does he do hair!

He's not a regular.

Well, that's fine.

She say...

I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.

Okay.

You will not regret this decision.

Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.

Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.

I'll take care of everything.

- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

Sexy woman like you

deserves to be pampered.

Me, sexy! Sure.

Don't be humble.

You've got the ass and tits

of a schoolgirl and you know it.

And everyone else knows this too,

believe me.

Yes.

Let me get your earring off.

I love it.

Of course you do.

I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.

All right, Scrappy.

You can cut Debbie's clients today.

If they want you.

Thank you.

I'll get to you all soon as I'm

all the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.

That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!

Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.

So who's next!

Come on, Scrappy!

Thank you, dear.

- It's a lot of speakers.

- Yes. Yes.

It's orgasmic.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes!

Grab it, Scrappy!

For you. Yes.

I give this to you.

- No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.

- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.

I'll give you stock options.

I'll name a shampoo after you.

No, my loyalty is to here.

I will destroy you.

I heard about this place

from Joanne.

You have to ask for Scrappy.

Yes, is the primary

cardholder present!

Excuse me!

Hello, I am calling

from Spiegel catalogue.

Are you between the ages

of 18 and 39!

We're trying to talk here.

Have you ordered from catalogue

in past six months!

Could you get off the phone

while you drive!

Hey, what's the matter!

I trying to make a living, do my job.

This is your job.

This is job also.

This is not Iraq.

I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.

And you're not getting a tip.

And you are a stupid cow.

Jeez.

- And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.

- Thanks so much.

- I'll see you later.

- All right.

I like this, the red hair.

I bet she has a pumpkin patch

down below, yes!

I don't know.

- Did you tap her tuchus?

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