You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #6
So the Palestinian says to the priest:
"Okay, but let's skip the bath."
Why, are they not clean!
No, is good joke.
Honey, are you all right!
You've been in there for over an hour.
What is this stuff! I mean, I took one
sip and I repainted the whole toilet.
Is Fizzy Bubblech.
You'll get used to it, relax.
I don't wanna get used to it.
My car couldn't.
- All right, that's it for me. I'm done.
- What! What!
Is everything all right!
- Is it about the pee-pee!
- Stop it.
- The pee-pee!
- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.
Really!
He's usually as hard as trigonometry.
- Mom. What...!
- When did this happen!
The last few days.
Of course. It's ever since
you went out with that Dalia.
Your hog is telling you something.
She must be the one.
The one!
Is this possible!
Of course it's possible, man.
All the beaverim in the world
and he falls for Palestinian muffich.
if she's Palestinian!
He's from Australia and Tibet.
He's not Israeli.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Exactly.
What was that, a motor boat!
You know, Scrappy...
Listen to your hog.
Someone special.
Maybe is good.
It's good! It's terrific!
I mean, you know,
you guys won't be together anymore...
...but Scrappy is in love.
That's great, awesome.
Thank you for your support.
- Is a good boy.
- Good boy.
This is fun. Let's celebrate.
Where's the cat!
Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.
- Got you.
- Let's play, man.
Take it, Michael.
Look at you.
I wanna try it.
Is good.
Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.
For membership information,
press one.
For negotiation update, press two.
For bonus mile information,
press three.
For terrorist supplies, press four.
We have currently suspended
our terrorist supply service...
...as we are engaged
in negotiations with Israel.
We will resume service as soon as
negotiations break down. Thank you.
Great.
Come on. Just think of a bomb.
They say you can make bomb from
everyday's material. You combine.
Yes, okay.
But what we combination!
Just think of chemicals.
Chemicals, like in science class.
Yes.
Who remembers this stuff!
Hello.
Well, can I help you fellas
find anything!
Yes, do you have...
..."liquid nitrogen."
You need what!
Liquid nitrogen.
Yeah. Well, I suppose
we have some of that.
Now, just a moment.
- This is it!
- Yes, and that's the large container.
This works!
You use!
From time to time. Sure.
We'll take 12.
Look, you can turn off the water...
...but we will find a way
to keep on going.
Oh, you like when I spray you,
Mrs. Skitzer!
Where's the $ 14,000!
I have your rent right here.
There is no getting rid of me.
We don't wanna get rid of you.
Mr. Walbridge would actually like to
relocate your salon in our new mall.
You mean the one you want to destroy
this community to build!
It is not our intent
to destroy this community.
I'll take the community, Pancake.
My name is Gray, and I'll be back.
Nice to meet you, Pancake.
Why Pancake!
Just for fun.
Oh, my God.
What!
I have one.
What!
I have zikpah.
Look at it.
It is you.
Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.
I cannot make sticky with anyone else.
You are the special one.
I will only be stiff for you.
Who is Steve!
Stiff, with an F.
- Stiff. Stiff.
- Yes.
Okay...
...I know you meant that
in a good way...
The best of ways.
...so thank you.
Thank you.
Is crazy.
This has never happened.
One woman...
...one zikpah...
...one life.
You see his face!
Scared Israeli son of b*tch.
Salim, this is not bomb.
What you mean "not bomb"!
Guys, I really need to go home.
Inaz have a soccer match
in the morning.
- I am hero.
- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:
Well, just go with it.
I scraped some off the window.
Maybe you know what is!
It's Neosporin, it's nothing.
I use it for cuts and genital sores.
We're beginning to think
maybe someone out to get the Zo...
The Scrappy.
You mean like a competing salon!
That's heavy.
Don't be afraid, honey.
Don't be afraid.
Well, I...
Yeah, lick this.
No, she likes the tongue in the ear.
Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.
Close with the brenski.
Come on, get some saliva
on those bad boys.
- She likes it, huh!
Okay.
I could look for clues. It's my shift
The what!
Oh, it's the community
night watch program.
You know, people in the neighborhood
patrolling it, keeping it safe.
We kick some ass.
Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Coco
take your shift tonight!
- I bet he'd be good at this.
- Oori.
What! For clues.
I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,
but you are gonna be just fine.
Maybe I can manage one night.
Maybe you can pretzel some people.
- Thank you for getting the hummus.
- The hummus.
Where's Patches!
Patches.
I'm totally terrified.
"Shitting my pants"
doesn't come close.
I wish I was shitting my pants.
It's just a patrol.
What if something goes down!
I don't know if I'd have the courage.
What if something goes down
and someone got killed!
I would have to live with that.
I'd be happier shitting my pants.
Much happier.
- Let's go.
- We're supposed to call the police.
No. No time.
No, no. No. It's good.
Drop the paint.
Get out of here, Ahab,
or I'll cut your eyes out.
- Maybe we should let him finish.
- No, no, no.
What you cut my eyes out with!
The Neosporin!
My blade, camel jockey.
My friend, the beating I give you
if you stop the spraying...
...is much less than the beating
I give you if you try to cut me.
What are you laughing at!
That was just with everyone.
They had it coming to them, right!
Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.
- Okay, you take it from here.
- I got it.
Everything's gonna be okay.
What you gotta say about that, huh!
You're telling me
our guys can't handle...
...some neighborhood
night-watching losers!
We can't even put a scare
into these people!
The main guy who got in the way...
...is the same one who's bringing
old biddies into Rafaela Salon.
My aunt goes there.
She says besides the sex,
the guy gives a pretty good haircut.
Don't talk to me about that dump.
I've got a huge,
classy hotel standing there...
...and it's staring
at that cheap garbage.
I want it staring at the Supercuts.
Now, has anyone made any headway
with any of these foreign people!
I spoke to the manager of Going
Out Of Business again yesterday.
I stated our price
and the urgency of the matter...
...and he offered me two-thirds less
The people at Everything Must Go
were just as difficult.
They offered me a Blu-ray disc
and a jar of hummus.
What's hummus!
It's a very tasty...
...diarrhea-like substance.
Grant Walbridge has a vision.
2 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
- 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
- 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
- Español (Spanish)
- Esperanto (Esperanto)
- 日本語 (Japanese)
- Português (Portuguese)
- Deutsch (German)
- العربية (Arabic)
- Français (French)
- Русский (Russian)
- ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
- 한국어 (Korean)
- עברית (Hebrew)
- Gaeilge (Irish)
- Українська (Ukrainian)
- اردو (Urdu)
- Magyar (Hungarian)
- मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
- Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Italiano (Italian)
- தமிழ் (Tamil)
- Türkçe (Turkish)
- తెలుగు (Telugu)
- ภาษาไทย (Thai)
- Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
- Čeština (Czech)
- Polski (Polish)
- Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Românește (Romanian)
- Nederlands (Dutch)
- Ελληνικά (Greek)
- Latinum (Latin)
- Svenska (Swedish)
- Dansk (Danish)
- Suomi (Finnish)
- فارسی (Persian)
- ייִדיש (Yiddish)
- հայերեն (Armenian)
- Norsk (Norwegian)
- English (English)
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
Style:MLAChicagoAPA
"You Don't Mess with the Zohan" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/you_don't_mess_with_the_zohan_23859>.
Discuss this script with the community:
Report Comment
We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly.
Attachment
You need to be logged in to favorite.
Log In