You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #7

to have the first indoor mall...

...with its own 300-foot

roller coaster.

You know, you're lucky I have

a world-class superhot girlfriend...

...with a perfectly proportioned

ass-to-breast ratio...

...or I'd be furious.

She is smoking, sir.

I'd pay

to spend an hour with her, sir.

Let me in on that.

Well, thank you.

But if you b*tches

can't get those people out...

...I will find other people

who will get the job done.

However, whenever.

Walbridge!

This is where I find them.

But I don't know if it's same people

who try to Neosporin salon.

But you caught them writing this crap,

so, what do you do!

- You don't mess with the Zohan.

- Check it.

- Disco.

- Disco.

- Good.

- Good.

Why did you do this

to Naseef's store, huh!

Why you blame the Israelis!

We come to work,

go out of business.

No, no, no.

Is not Israeli who do this.

I do community watch.

Don't worry, it's all taken care of.

Not Israeli! Who else would write

"Arab go home"!

Oh, I don't know,

just maybe 99 percent of the world.

- You see what he says!

- That was joke.

Come on, come on.

You guys get along here, stop this.

Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,

the war is never going to end.

You know, we were so close to peace

before the a**hole shot Rabin.

Bush, he see the big picture.

Bush no want peace,

he set it all back.

What about Bush's wife!

This is a wife I would get sticky with.

I would do this. I would do this.

- Yes, yes.

- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.

The big legs.

Yeah, she look strict,

like she's going to teach me a lesson.

- Yes, discipline.

- You know what's funny!

I like Chelsea.

You're crazy.

She has beautiful legs.

If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.

She has legs.

This is what happens

when they talk politics.

No, no, no, wife of McCain!

She has the ass,

and you know she's not getting any.

I understand my assistant

explained the job to you.

He told us. You wanna get

some people out your building...

...so you can build

some kind of roller coaster mall.

Sir, I just wanna thank you

for this opportunity.

I mean, it's a gift to mess with the Jews

and the terrorists on the same night.

I mean, it's like...

- It's like...

- Christmas in July.

It's like Christmas in July.

Right now

we are scheduled to sabotage...

...a black peoples' parade

in Chicago...

...but we can move that.

Well, I'm not really quite sure

how you move a parade.

That's easy, it's just a phone call.

Well, we'll be calling back

to make the arrangements.

Can I just say that I don't like

most rich people, but you get it.

We built this country

on the right to bear arms.

Now they're trying to tell me how many

bullets my gun can shoot per second.

They're trying to tell me

whether I can stockpile weapons...

...in the shed behind my house.

- Right, by God.

- Anyway, you're a rich guy that gets it.

You and Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson. Not too shabby.

Welcome to Hezbollah

customer service.

All lines are busy now.

Your call will be received

in... minutes.

Come on with this.

How we find Phantom!

Well, he probably hang

at the muchentuchen restaurant.

Okay, but which!

He have, like, 200.

Probably in Amman.

In downtown

he get the hottest poochibaba.

What's the area code of Amman!

Hello. Phantom Muchentuchen.

Yes. I want speak Phantom.

What say! No English.

Idiot.

Want speak to Phantom.

No, no, no. Phantom not here.

Phantom Muchentuchen.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But Phantom no come!

But what about for poonibaba!

No, no, poonibaba at store

on 3rd and Lachalta.

Oh, okay. So you have number

for store!

You call information.

You don't have number

for other store!

It's somewhere. I don't know.

Come on, get number! I calling from

America, fry b*tch! I very important.

Salim, the kids.

When she is grown up

she will understand!

Hello.

I find the Zohan.

You not kill the Zohan.

I kill the Zohan.

No, you did not.

I find him in America.

I prove. I send you picture on cell.

Okay. Bring this.

I am bringing.

You see?

But the hairstyle, it is hideous.

This is same Zohan.

What he thinking! He look like guy

from Who's the Boss?

Look, this is same Zohan.

Everybody think you big hero.

But I tell everyone you not big hero.

Okay, okay, okay!

What you want, huh!

I want muchentuchen

restaurant chain.

No.

But if I tell,

you no have chain anyway.

So you not give any incentive.

Okay. I want 50 percent

of muchentuchen chain.

- Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen.

- No.

- Twenty-five percent.

- No.

I want yogurt shop attached to store,

like food court.

Okay.

- I get profits from store.

- No.

- Some profits.

- No.

I get free yogurt

when I come to store.

Okay. Within reason.

And I want some of your wives.

How many wives you want?

- Twenty.

- No.

- I sleep with one wife.

- No.

She give one pee-pee touch.

Okay.

My friends, look what I do.

I hook you all up with tickets.

This Walbridge guy's

trying to kiss salon's ass...

...so he give me 20 tickets

hackyside.

Very nice. Hassan, you see this!

This is where you're going to be

when Israel kick your ass.

Yes! No, you're gonna give it up

like you give up Gaza Strip, huh!

Excuse us.

I have to show you this.

Listen to Fatima Zaad's

gossip column on Page Nine.

"A hall of fame terrorist

is visiting New York...

...and not for the muchentuchen."

- Phantom's coming to the City!

- There's more.

"He's coming to hacky sack

a certain scrappy Israeli...

...who says he cuts hair,

but really cuts terrorist."

He's ruined everything.

Why you say! You the Zohan.

He come to hacky sack,

you take him out.

No, I don't care.

I come here to start new life.

Get new woman to love

and make the bang-boom.

Now my life's followed me here.

Maybe Phantom no care anymore.

You're an Israeli counterterrorist!

- I knew it.

- What!

Well, the Israeli part.

Because he's circumcised.

How is Dalia going to forgive me!

I'm liar.

She Palestinian, I'm no Australian.

You know, Scrappy...

I mean, "Zohard."

- if there's one thing I've learned

from all my relationships...

...with Jewish men, Puerto Rican men,

aborigines...

...you can't have secrets

in a relationship.

You tell her the truth

and if she really is this special one...

...everything will work out just fine.

I like this.

I am sorry I not tell you the truth before

I make you fall head over tits for me.

But believe me,

I am wanting you even more.

I know you're not from

where you say.

I see how you look

at the Fizzy Bubblech.

Then why you like this! Is it because

I Israel and you Palestine!

Come on, tell me in my face.

Zohan, you're not just Israel.

You Israel.

But you say hate is stupid.

That's why you run to America, to get

away from the hate and the fighting.

I was even thinking

we let all this cool down...

...I go out and get us

a house over there.

We move in together,

we cut the hair...

...make the children,

cut the children's hair.

Zohan, I can't.

I have open mind,

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