You Don't Mess with the Zohan Page #8
but you Israeli counterterrorist.
No, no, no. I no do this anymore.
You put the fork in the fat lady,
it's over.
She's had enough to eat.
This is a promise.
It doesn't matter.
You don't know my family.
Or maybe you do.
What does this mean!
Just leave.
Please, it can't be.
Maybe is for best.
You deserve a safe life.
But know...
...you will always be my special one.
- Zohan.
- Dalia.
I got you a gift.
A gift.
They come out with new book!
Yes. They do it
every 21 years, I think.
Just a slight update from yours.
No feathering!
Or scrunching!
Where's the style!
But I know this is nice gesture.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Zohan.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Me too.
Yes, it's better I find him
than he finds me, huh!
I got your back.
I get you best army guys in city.
No, no, no. I handle this alone.
Hello! Let's go.
Go. Go, go, go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here are your Israeli Blue Stars...
...and your Lebanese Trees!
Fizzy Bubblech.
What's with the cheers!
Wasn't that guy a terrorist!
Yeah, people used to boo
you too, John, you remember!
I wasn't a terrorist.
You were pretty bad.
to New York to tell the world...
...that New York City...
...loves its foreign immigrant-types
from the Middle East.
My hot girlfriend and I
know that we can all get along...
...whether you're white, or brown,
or khaki, whatever that color is.
And here to sing
the American national anthem...
...a superstar we all love:
Mariah Carey!
Goal!
And disco break!
Disco, disco, good, good!
Disco, disco, good, good!
Disco, disco, good, good!
Disco, disco, good, good!
Okay, Mariah. Couple more.
This one's from Sheik Fayalah
of Lebanon.
He wants you to write
"All I want for Ramadan is you."
Okay, this again!
- I know.
- All right.
MC, there's a Mr. Phantom
here to see you.
Who's Phantom,
a dude trying to be a rapper!
- Because I don't know who that is.
- He says he's a killing machine.
Whatever. Okay.
Miss Mariah Carey.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Hi, how are you!
Miss Carey, your high notes
are so beautiful...
...like a Scud missile
soaring towards its target.
- Thank you. That's really nice.
- Thank you.
So you know I'm not dead.
Oh, I sorry I startle.
I was not startle. I saw a bee.
There's a bee! I'm allergic.
It's not even funny.
No, no, no. Look.
The bee is gone. He's gone.
Mariah, believe me, there's no bee.
I'm allergic. You know I'm allergic.
No, no, no. The bee... Forget the bee.
The bee is made up, it's fiction.
It was a black wasp.
- promising me
that there was no bee here.
There was no bee. He says the bee...
...so he can look more like a person
who would not scream like this.
- Are you sure!
- I promise you.
I beg your cleavage's pardon.
We will be out of your bouncy hair
in a jiffy. Is between us.
I was going to kill you tomorrow...
...but I guess jackass
can't wait to die for real.
Do y'all want us to leave!
Because we can go.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- We are not even here.
- Almost done. Give it a few seconds.
I came here to the States to
stop the fighting...
...but I guess
this will never end, eh!
Oh, Zohan does not want
to fight anymore.
Scared of bees, huh!
Now I'm afraid of the bees!
I'm afraid of the bees!
What! You're the one that
brings up the bees.
Your hair. Your hair does not
do you justice.
You don't like this hair!
I think you're alone on this one.
Everyone else
going crazy for it.
I like the 'fro better.
Hang on, I'm getting a call.
Michael, what is!
Zohan? We have a problem here.
- Where you get that!
- This is a Sony Ericsson.
- It has Bluetooth!
- Of course it has Bluetooth.
Bluetooth sh*t out, though.
Oh, no, it's very simple.
You sync it to your PowerBook.
- Tell her. Phantom will tell you.
- Mac or PC!
- Mac.
- You have MySpace!
It's not really mine.
Please, add me as a friend.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Sure, as Huge Boner.
We'll add you tomorrow.
Michael, what is!
There's a bunch of guys and they are
lighting fires and it's getting pretty bad.
No. Stay where you are.
Yeah, we'll stay up here.
- What! Where you go!
- I have bigger fish to swim.
- Mariah, I love the newest album.
- Thank you.
The Zohan.
My pita shop.
They burned it down.
Why you do this!
We no do this. We at Hacky Sack
as much as the next guy.
And I wish that we should do this,
after you write that sh*t on my wall.
Across street!
- Waleed, Waleed. Look, Waleed!
- No. My store.
What I miss!
I was stuck on West Broadway.
The Israeli burned down my store!
No, no, no.
I save store.
Then I kill the Zohan.
Phantom, kick its ass.
Jab it to the right.
Stick and move, Phantom.
Stick and move.
He can't do this alone.
Don't back down. Kick its ass.
Phantom.
Why you help me!
Because I'm through with this.
I no more fight.
You do whatever you want,
but I no fight back.
It's trick, huh!
No.
- Fight back.
- No.
- Fight back!
- No.
Fight back, Zohan.
Fight him back. What are you doing!
Fight back.
No.
This is not fun for anybody.
Why you not fight back!
Because he know better.
He show you he change.
Sister!
When you gonna grow up, Fatoush!
Fatoush!
No, no, no Fatoush.
Is Phantom now.
And is my business.
Is my man, Fatoush.
You're my woman!
You Phantom's sister!
You tapping the Zohan!
You settle for a pee-pee touch!
I wouldn't say "settle."
It was negotiation.
Fatoush is talking.
Yes. I am Phantom's sister.
And, no, Fatoush,
I am not tapping the Zohan.
But I think I love him.
This is good.
Of course you love me.
I'm very good man.
Brother, here in America
we're the same.
We just people trying to get jobs
cutting hair, driving cabs...
...selling crappy stereo equipment.
- Hey. Is Sony guts.
- Whatever.
The point is, we are thousands
of miles away from all this hate...
...and we live together just fine.
We do.
We do.
Come on, people.
Where is the hate! Anyone!
- I resent.
- Resent is good.
What! What do you resent!
People don't like us.
Come on, is not easy for us.
People don't like us too.
- Why!
- Because they think we are you.
We do look alike.
You got to admit this. Come on.
Waleed looks Mexican, to be honest.
Yeah, he do.
You know, ever since
the stupid terrorists...
...everyone think we are terrorists.
Look, Bashir, no offense...
...but if you sat next to me on a plane,
I might want to get off too.
He's right.
But how could I not hate
when you stole my goat!
He was a good goat.
I treat him like member of the family.
- Really!
- Yes.
Did you rub his chin!
Like this!
Yes, sometimes for hours.
He would make face if I stop.
He make the face!
Oh, the face. The face.
That's it, that's it.
That looks just like him.
2 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"You Don't Mess with the Zohan" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 8 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/you_don't_mess_with_the_zohan_23859>.
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