Your Sister's Sister Page #3

But it's not necessary.

- To your brother.

- To your sister.

And her sister, being you.

- That would be me.

- Yeah.

- I guess

I better drink then.

- Come on.

Mm-mm!

Mm-mm.

- I can't.

- Look, if we're gonna

drink to someone

as awesome as your sister

and my dead brother,

we're throwing

the sh*t back.

- Okay.

- Come on, wham it.

Mm!

There it is.

- Holy sh*t.

- Yet another similarity

with you and Iris.

I can talk her into drinking

anything.

I can't believe you let me

talk you into that.

That's really great.

You want another one?

(festive salsa music)

Okay, my best friend

is your sister.

- Right.

- It's like a kind of in-law,

of sort, that makes us.

You know what I'm saying?

- What are you talking about?

- I'm doing...

- Yeah, no, no, no, go, go, go.

I cut you off when you were

actually going

with something good.

- I'm drawing

a brilliant parallel.

Go again.

(mumbling)

Going down.

Getting weird with the...

(slurring) All right,

let me tell you something.

- Yeah!

- All right,

it's not that I was...

I was in love with her.

I was totally f***ing

in love with her.

But what I was in love with

was the potential that

she was holding that was me.

- Right.

- Does that make sense?

- Right.

- That's what I was

in love with.

- Right, right.

- Was that.

- And then I started

to realize, like,

it was like I gave her

all my, like, zhuzh,

all my good stuff.

Is this making any sense?

- Yeah.

You shouldn't do that.

- And, like... and she

wouldn't give it back.

So, like, as the... as the...

as, like, the years went on

and everything went on,

I was just, like...

this is gonna sound

so f***ing melodramatic.

I was, like, this f***ing,

like, little f***ing bird,

Like, in a cage.

And finally she came over

and unlocked it,

and I just sat there.

- Wow.

- I sat there

for three more months

when she was hooking up

with a...

(gagging)

Ugh, this woman, girl,

who's so much younger than me.

And I just couldn't...

I just sat there

and waited for her

to be attracted

to me again

or to just look at me

like I was, uh...

- Whoa.

We're gonna stop

this conversation.

I got a sense of it, okay?

And here's the deal.

I've made a decision.

Pam is a f***ing moron.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay?

- She's not really, but...

- No, here's the deal.

Look, for her to have

given you the sense

in some way that you're not,

Like, young enough

or good enough or pretty enough

or just enough in general

is f***ing bullshit.

- It is, right?

- It's bullshit.

Because what I see

across from me is...

you have to...

you're gonna have to let me

descend here for a second;

can I descend?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

I have to tell you something,

and I don't want you

to take it the wrong way.

It's to prove a point, okay?

But it's about your butt.

So when I...

(laughs)

What?

- When I...

when I went to look for...

- You are a f***er.

- I am.

- You were f***ing peeping

in the f***ing windows.

You're a f***er.

Give me some more.

You are a f***ing...

go ahead...

yeah, no, I want to hear

your confession.

Confess.

- I tried to find the key.

I went around the door,

all innocent

up until that point.

Innocent, innocent, innocent.

Looking for the key,

total innocence,

total innocence.

Through the window:

your butt.

- Pervert.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

- But you made me that way.

- I made you that way?

- 'Cause your butt is

f***ing awesome, okay?

- Can you not?

- 'Cause it's, like, super soft.

- How do you know

it's super soft?

- 'Cause I could tell.

- You're so f***ing weird...

- I know.

- And drunk right now.

- I know.

I looked at it for a while.

I got a good sense of it.

And let me tell you

another thing

that's even more inappropriate,

but it's super safe

'cause you're a lesbian.

If I were differently equipped

or you were

differently inclined,

this night might go

a very different way.

- Really?

- I'm just saying...

- Are you just saying?

- I would be super open to that

in a whole other universe...

- Okay.

- Because... and this is just

serving to prove my point of,

Like, you shouldn't feel

not awesome

because she was

not interested in you.

There will be a lot of people...

- Well, I didn't say

she wasn't interested in me.

The f***ing thing

ran its course.

But anyway, go ahead.

I like it.

I like it.

- To your gorgeous,

supple, soft,

sexy motherfucking butt.

(sighs)

- And all the other things

that I might be thinking about

except for the fact that

I'm not thinking about them.

- I'm just saying...

- Anyway, the point is, you,

you're never going to be happy

if you're eating

this f***ing bird food.

You think... you know why

you feel like a bird?

- I love that food.

- You feel like a bird?

Okay, what the f*** is this?

It's a turd.

You can't eat these things.

I am here, Dr. Jack,

to fix you, okay?

So I'm gonna make you round,

tall filet, super awesome.

Grocery store.

Cook it medium-rare.

- I can't do it.

- With the butter.

- I can't eat meat.

You can make me something else.

- Okay, I'll make you

something else.

I'll make you a super

awesome steak medium-rare

with the butter

and the blue cheese

and the truffle oil drizzled

over the French fries.

And I'm gonna put this plate

in front of you.

And it's gonna be

totally different.

It'll be a change of pace.

But you are out of the cage now,

my friend.

And if you want to f***ing fly,

you're gonna start with a steak.

That's all I'm saying.

- Let's do it.

- All right, we're going

to the store...

- No, let's do it.

- I'm gonna f***ing cook you

a meal.

- Hey!

All right.

I'm gonna take you up

on your offer.

- What are you doing?

- I haven't, uh,

been on that bicycle

in quite some time, but...

- What are you... what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

I'm single.

You're single.

- I'm single.

- I mean, maybe it's a bad idea.

- It's not a bad idea.

- No, maybe it's a bad idea.

- It's not a bad idea.

- No, we shouldn't do it.

You're a straight guy.

- I'm looking at your b*obs.

- It might be too much.

It might be too much for you.

Too much for you to handle.

What?

- You're serious.

- I don't know.

I mean,

I'm game if you're game.

Okay, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

- Get rid of this.

Get rid of this.

Holy sh*t.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, I don't have...

I don't...

I didn't bring a...

I don't have a condom.

Well, I didn't...

I thought I was gonna be alone.

- Condom!

- Oh, f***.

Saran Wrap?

- I think I know where

there's one.

- Okay, oh, all right.

Uh...

Um...

Okay.

(sighs)

Wait, wait, wait.

Stay right there.

Don't move, don't move,

don't move.

I got to show you something.

I've always wanted to do this.

Okay.

You ready?

- Yes.

- Ta-da!

- All right.

- You're very underwhelmed.

Okay, never mind.

- Wait.

All right.

I'm gonna do it.

- Whoa, you're really

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes