Zapped!

Okay, Edgar. Your turn now.

Hey, come on.

All the rock stars love this stuff.

There you go.

- Barn?

- Hi, Peyton.

Since when did you become a boozer?

Oh, no.

The scuba club wants a report

on diving under the influence.

Let's see.

Edgar and Vincent were given

an amount of whiskey

equal to human consumption

of about 10 pints.

It's amazing.

They're twice as big

as they were yesterday.

Yeah, growth rate is up to 2 inches a day.

I gotta hand it to you, Barn,

super dope grown in super time

means a super buzz.

- And a lot of bucks for us.

- Whatever.

Hey, you know, Peyton,

over the summer, I...

I'm gonna test my Ultra Grow

mixture on various other plants.

It might get me a research grant

in the fall.

Looks like the party's over

for those two.

- No kidding.

- Well, let's go, Barn. It's assembly time.

Come on, Barn.

Barney, would you look at yourself?

You look like you just escaped

from a mouse cage.

- You know what you need?

- No, what?

Girl.

Gotta toughen you up, bro.

Hey, Barn.

How about some math help later?

No way. He's got work of his own to do.

Hey, Barney, did boss man here get you

a date for the prom?

Are you kidding?

Barney doesn't care about girls.

He's a rocket scientist.

You guys are a**holes.

Smile.

Front page, Senior Edition.

Peyton, you print that and I'll sue.

I'm getting so tired of the girls

around here. They're so immature.

Hey, Peyton,

you and her ever...

Roscoe, you know I don't like

to talk about my women.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Oh, Barney,

how are my orchids coming along?

- They're fine, sir. We're right on schedule.

- Good.

My ex-wife's gonna be insane

when I win that blue ribbon.

Carry on, men.

You too, sir.

Seniors, I give you

the Penguin cheerleaders.

ALL:
We're number one,

we're not number two

We're gonna push

the Tigers back in the zoo

Now, don't forget our last

baseball game is Tuesday afternoon

against the Lincoln Tigers.

So let's get out there

and show some spirit.

And now, as your class president,

it is my pleasure to introduce

the great principal

of Ralph Waldo Emerson High...

Gary Cooter.

As I was saying, the great principal

of Ralph Waldo Emerson High,

Mr. Walter Coolidge.

I'd like to congratulate

all the baseball varsity.

Well, you haven't won a game all year,

but let's not quit.

Let's pound those Tigers into rabbit

doo-doo.

Good luck to you all.

That was just fantastic.

Miss Burnhart, please.

That's all, seniors.

See you at the ball game.

Miss Updike,

I'm afraid we're gonna have to re-shoot

your Senior Edition pictures.

The first group didn't come out.

Okay, Peyton,

follow me.

You won't forget me when you're

with those college girls, will you?

Corinne, your love is a prize

I could never forsake.

That is one of your better lines.

- Hi, Dex.

- Hi there, Barney.

Now, don't mind me.

Just keep on doing what you're doing.

- Well, we only have one more game left.

- That's right.

And don't forget you promised

to let me bat once before I leave.

Barn, you're the greatest

statistician I ever had.

And you're a scientific whiz kid to boot.

If I was you,

I wouldn't be worried about no baseball.

Now, when I was your age

I was always out whoring around,

- having myself a good old time.

- Well, I wish I was whoring around.

No, you don't.

Them women is trouble.

First come the woman

and then the whiskey.

We used to call that

the devil's double whammy.

But you know something,

my old lady won't let me eat

salami no more.

Says it causes cancer.

Maybe you ought to drop this petunia sh*t

and figure out a cure for that sucker.

Because I can't live

in this world without salami.

No weenies either.

Talking about trouble,

here's the stickball king himself.

Just following in your footsteps, Dexter.

You wish.

Well, I guess I'll be going, fellas.

So, take care, Barney.

See you later, Dex.

And you get your rich ass to practice

on time today, you hear?

Sure thing, Coach.

Thanks for stopping by.

So how we doing, Barn?

Not bad.

I'm almost finished.

This is the oil I extracted

from the first crop.

I'm gonna give Edgar a dose now.

This ought to get him blasted.

Edgar seems to be exhibiting

signs of paranoid schizophrenia.

His brain is fried.

Hey, Barn, how do you tell

when they're stoned?

Well, they...

Hand me that beaker, will you?

Sure.

Well, first of all,

they eat twice their weight in cheese,

and they roll over

and stare at this little red light.

Hi, Peyton. I'm here to interview

Barney for the Senior Edition.

Sorry, Bernadette,

but Barney's in the middle

of an extremely delicate

cross-pollenization.

Well, then how about

just a couple of pictures?

No pictures in the lab, Bernadette.

Well, I need a picture of Barney

by his orchids.

- That's what the...

- All right, I'll take them.

Barney is very busy now, okay?

Sure, I'll be back tomorrow.

Fine.

There's no such word as pollenization.

Whatever. She's a pain.

Look, I gotta run, Barn.

I'll catch you later, okay?

See you.

Edgar, how did you get that?

All right, eat.

But you realize I'll have to give you

a bigger dose now to counteract the food.

Barney bonehead.

Up yours.

- Barney, is that you?

- Hey. Hi, Alvy. How you doing?

Hi, I'm home.

Where were you?

Your mother was worried.

I was at the lab. I had some work to do.

Would you come here,

please? Your father wants to talk to you.

Hounded by hemorrhoids?

Then have a Relaxo fruit juice break.

And now back to

our regularly scheduled program.

I saved you some supper,

but you don't deserve it.

You're right. I don't deserve it.

Don't get smart with your mother.

- Sorry.

- What happened to you?

Nothing. I just had a little accident

in the lab. That's all.

I think this laboratory nonsense

has gotten out of hand.

You don't go out with girls.

When are you gonna ask

somebody to the prom?

When I find the right girl, Mom. Okay?

I have some homework to do.

- Should we?

- Let's leave it till tomorrow.

No. I think we should do it now.

Barney, your mother and I

are very concerned.

It's your attitude.

Not to mention your late hours

and loss of appetite.

Son, roll up your sleeves.

- Should we check between his toes?

- What's going on?

Your father and I went to a drug

education seminar at the school.

Are you a junkie, Son?

- Right, Dad.

- Don't talk to your father like that.

- What's the matter, Barney?

- Nothing's the matter.

All right.

We'll discuss it further in the morning.

And I expect a little more cooperation

around here.

You can start by cleaning up this pigpen.

- How dare you?

- I didn't do it.

Alvy did it.

And I suppose that dummy

taught him how to do it.

- Hey, Barn.

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Okay.

- How's the hooch?

- The hooch?

- Yeah, you know...

- It's...

Hey, Barney, how about that interview?

Bernadette, we're on our way

to class now.

You should be, too.

Barney, how responsible

do you think scientists are

for the mess the world is in today?

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