Love at First Bite

Greetings from Martin's Comedy Movies

Children of the night...

shut up!

Renfield!

Yes, master.

I was getting the magazines, master.

How many times do I have to tell you,

body temperature.

Yes, master.

Lots of ladies in the altogether

for you to drool over.

Trash.

Filth.

Pornographic!

Where is my fashion magazine?

Whatever master wants, master gets.

There she is.

Cindy Sondheim.

I tell you, Renfield...

every time I see her, I am more sure it's her.

The only woman I have ever loved.

Please, master...

that's the same thing you said

about the Countess de Montespan in 1672.

That was sex, Renfield...

this is love.

This one has a soul...

a very old soul.

A soul I have known before.

I bit her once in Warsaw,

in thirteen hundred and...

Thirteen hundred and...

- Renfield!

- 56, master.

Yes.

Yes, 1356, Warsaw, I bit her once.

I met her again in England

in nineteen hundred...

- 31.

- 31!

Two bites that time...

I knew her as Mina Harker.

But I lost her in that damn London fog.

I'll never forget it, master.

That was the time

Dr. Van Helsing nearly got you.

If it hadn't been for that cigarette case

I gave you for your 650th birthday...

he would have driven that stake

right through your heart.

What?

He would have driven that stake

right through your heart.

So what do you want from me, a medal?

Sorry, master.

Cindy and I are going down

to the cellar to take a little nap.

- Master, please be careful!

- What is it?

You nearly stepped on my dinner.

Forgive me.

Bon apptit!

- Renfield!

- Yes, master?

Didn't mean to bother you

while you are eating.

When you are finished, tidy up a bit.

Certainly, master.

"Cheating on your honeymoon can be fun.

"How to get your gynecologist

to tear up his bill...

"by yelling rape in the office.

"The 10 best states

to divorce your old man in.

"Husband-beating.

Ten men tell why they like it."

Sick.

Cindy Sondheim...

one day I will take you away from all of this.

Wake up, master!

Master, there's someone at the door.

They want to see you.

I think they are from the government.

- How do you know?

- They are wearing shoes.

"And therefore by a unanimous vote

of the Central Committee...

"it has been decided to turn this castle...

"into a training camp

for our young athletes."

You and your cockroach-eating friend

over there...

have 48 hours to get out!

Good evening, Comrade Count.

Wait one minute.

This is my home.

My people cleared the land.

We tortured innocent peasants for it.

We even murdered for it.

By Romanian law, that makes it ours.

Now you listen to me, stupid.

In 48 hours, we will be back here...

with trampolines, parallel bars, swings...

and Nadia Comaneci. Don't be here!

Don't be here?

Where am I to go?

You have a choice, Comrade Count.

Either you spend the rest of your life

in an efficiency apartment...

with seven dissidents and one toilet...

or you gather your aristocratic sh*t together

and split.

Renfield!

Yes, master.

What is an efficiency apartment?

I don't know, master.

What's a toilet?

Get the monster.

The horses are harnessed, master. It's time.

So they've come to pay their respects,

have they?

Not exactly, master.

Perhaps it would be better

if you left in your coffin.

I could take it off the carriage.

Me, afraid of townspeople!

A bunch of yokels.

Come, Renfield...

we will give them a run for their money.

Get the wolfsbane.

Get your wolfsbane.

Torch him in the boat.

Hang him by his heels.

What do you want from him? Blood?

You dirty bat, you bit my mother.

- What is your name?

- Alexei Rugalov.

No, Alexei, I bit your mother,

and your grandmother.

And you, my child...

are you not afraid of Count Dracula?

You see, even a child knows.

The wolf is a very misunderstood creature.

He never kills for sport,

only what is needed.

And he always protects the young.

And the old.

Have your fun.

But remember this...

without me, Transylvania will be

as exciting as...

Bucharest on a Monday night.

Pardon me, would you like

Chicken Kiev, Chateaubriand...

or Veal Cutlet Florentine for lunch?

Everything you mention is dead.

Don't you have anything

that's alive and kicking?

I'll have the Chicken Kiev, miss.

Why don't you bring a nice juicy mouse

for little Salome here?

Could I have one, too?

That's funny.

"American slang.

"Putting on the ritz, getting dressed up.

"Flapper, a girl.

"Hotsy-totsy. Boo-boop-be-do.

"Red-hot mama.

"Twenty-three skidoo." What is this?

"Copyright, 1926."

Renfield, you bungling moron,

this book is as out of date as...

I am.

Passengers for Flight 330,

please board immediately at Gate 5.

All right, what have you got?

Nothing, just a sitar I bought in Bangladesh.

Bangladesh.

Okay, strip him down, look in his eyes,

look in his ears, look in his nose...

and have him bend over

and touch his toes and look up there.

Lousy hippies!

What have you got to declare over $100?

Nothing, sir.

Oh, yeah? Then what's in there?

All that's left of my father.

I'm bringing him home

so I can bury him next to my mother.

That's his passport right there.

What did he die of?

He was half eaten by a lion

while he was on safari in Africa.

What was left, the vultures got at.

Would you like to see?

They chewed away his eyes

and his nose and his mouth.

But you can still identify him.

He's in three rather large pieces.

Get out of here.

Next!

Alvin, I told you to go find your roots.

But who told you to drink the water?

Passengers for Flight 330,

please board immediately at Gate 5.

Flight 217, now boarding at Gate 5.

Sir, would you like

limo service to New York?

Thank you very much.

And for you, only $25.

Hey, pal, why pay a limo to carry this thing?

I got a private car. Air-conditioned.

$10 flat. No tip. What do you say?

Master, there is a gentleman here

that says he'll take us into town for $10.

Master, what should I do?

All right, enough with the number

already, $7.50.

- But you carry the master.

- I always do.

Come along now, master.

I knew Brother Alvin.

And he was a swinger.

Praise the Lord.

He loved his booze.

He loved his women.

And my wife, too.

But most of all,

he loved his Cadillac Seville.

And it's a beaut.

I know because he left it to me. Hallelujah.

Praise the Lord.

I showed him how God...

wanted him to have a swell time

while he was alive.

Because, brothers and sisters...

when you is gone...

you is gone.

And ain't no way, nohow...

nobody's gonna bring you back here

once you is dead.

Good evening.

I am Count Dracula.

I would like a large suite with a bath.

I have a reservation.

This is not the lobby of the Plaza Hotel?

Hey, you. What's shaking, honky?

Good evening.

Forgive me, but could you direct me

to where I might find a taxi?

There ain't none.

They scared to come up here after dark.

Honky.

A honky? I am not a honky. I am Romanian.

You mean you was a Romanian, mother.

Hey, man, did you see Roots?

I wouldn't mess with him.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes