Being John Malkovich

INT. CHEERLESS ROOM - DAY

The room is bare, dusty. A ceiling fan turns. The

wall clock ticks. Craig, 30 years old and small, sits at

a collapsible card table. The only item on the table is a

book. Craig picks it up, looks at the jacket. It's entitled

"Sit." Craig opens the book. It reads: "sit sit sit sit

sit..." over and over, page after page. Craig closes the

book. He begins to stand, but thinks better of it, sighs.

He looks at the book again. It is now entitled "Die." He

opens it up. "die die die die die..." A rooster crows.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Craig jolts awake. A rooster stands on Craig's chest,

crowing. Lotte, also 30, in the middle of dressing for

work, hurries in and pulls the bird from Craig's chest.

LOTTE:

Sorry, hon. I didn't know Orrin

Hatch was out of his pen. Good

morning.

Lotte leans down and kisses Craig on the forehead.

CRAIG:

Morning.

LOTTE:

Gotta run. Shipment of grub worms

coming in first thing.

CRAIG:

Enjoy.

LOTTE:

Craig, listen, honey, I've been

thinking... maybe you'd feel better

if you got, you know, a job or

something.

CRAIG:

We've been over this. Nobody's

looking for a puppeteer in today's

wintry economic climate.

LOTTE:

Well, you know, maybe something else

until this whole puppet thing turns

around.

CRAIG:

(bitterly)

The Great Mantini doesn't need a day

job.

LOTTE:

(sighs)

Craig, everyone can't be Derek Mantini.

(beat)

Well, grub worms are waiting. Do me

a favor?

CRAIG:

What?

LOTTE:

Would you check in on Elijah? He seems

to be a little under the weather this

morning.

CRAIG:

Which one is Elijah again?

LOTTE:

The monkey.

CRAIG:

Yeah. Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S GARAGE - MORNING

The place is a mess. Vivaldi blasts through cheap speakers.

A small marionette stage stands in the back of the garage.

The stage is lit and on it is a finely sculpted puppet

version of Craig. The "Craig" puppet paces back and forth,

wringing its hands with incredible subtlety. We see Craig,

above and behind the stage. He is manipulating the puppet.

His fingers move fast and furious. The puppet breaks into

a dance, a beautiful and intricate balletic piece. Soon the

puppet is leaping and tumbling through space, moves that one

would think impossible for a marionette. Sweat appears on

the real Craig’s brow. His fingers move like lightning. The

puppet moves faster and faster. Sweat appears on the puppet's

brow. We see that the sweat is being piped from a special

device that the real Craig controls. The Craig puppet

collapses on the floor of the stage. It puts its hands up to

its face and weeps. Craig hangs the puppet, and comes down

around the front of the stage. He is heaving. He switches

off the music, picks up a beer and takes a swig.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

The room is filled with penned and unpenned animals of all

kinds:
snakes, lizards, birds, a dog, cats, etc. Craig sits

on the couch and looks at the want ads, the TV is on in the

background. Elijah, the monkey, sits next to Craig holding

his stomach and moaning weakly. On the TV, Derek Mantini is

working a 60 foot high marionette from the top of a water tower.

The assembled crowd is enthralled.

TV ANNOUNCER:

The crowd is enthralled as Derek

Mantini, arguably the greatest

puppeteer in the history of the

world, performs "The Belle of

Amherst" with his 60 foot Emily

Dickinson puppet, directed by the

inimitable Charles Nelson Reilly.

Charles Nelson Reilly floats by in a hot air balloon.

CHARLES NELSON REILLY

Beautiful, beautiful! Nyong-nyong.

CRAIG:

Gimmicky bastard.

Craig switches off the TV. He comes across an ad for a

female puppeteer to teach at a girls school. Craig rubs

his chin in thought, then stands with great determination.

MUSIC IN:
TRIUMPHANT

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig searches through Lotte's closet, looking for the

right dress.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - DAY

Craig waxes his body, shaves his face.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig paints his nails while he chats on the phone. Craig

pulls stockings and underwear from Lotte's drawer. Craig

picks a wig from a mannequin head on Lotte's dressing table.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig, at the sewing machine, is sewing padding to go onto

his chest and around his hips.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - DAY

Craig applies make up in the bathroom mirror.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - DAY

Craig, now looking very much like a woman, admires himself

in the full length mirror.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Craig hails a taxi in his get-up. Men on the street turn

and leer at him.

CUT TO:

INT. HEADMISTRESS’S OFFICE - DAY

Craig and the headmistress chat over tea. Craig is quite

animated and charming. The admiring headmistress smiles

and nods her head in approval.

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Craig instructs a class of uniformed girls. He draws

complex diagrams of puppets on the blackboard. The

students are transfixed, except for one troubled girl who

eyes Craig sullenly from the back of the room as she plays

with a switchblade.

CUT TO:

INT. THEATER - DAY

Craig guides the hands of the troubled teenage girl, who

is trying to manipulate a marionette. The girl looks up

at Craig. Her tough facade crumbles and she smiles. Craig

smiles back.

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - DAY

The girls carry Craig on their shoulders. Everyone is joyous.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Craig leads the girls in a bike race. Everyone is laughing

and screaming. One of the girls notices that Craig is

riding a man's bike.

MUSIC OUT.

CUT TO:

INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Craig sits in a holding cell with several other men. He is

still in the dress, but the wig is in his lap and the

make-up is smeared off. Lotte appears with a cop outside

Craig's cell. The door is opened, and Craig, Lotte, and

the cop head down the hall.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Lotte drives. Craig looks out the window. Both are silent.

LOTTE:

(finally)

Is the trial date set?

CRAIG:

May 11th.

More silence.

LOTTE:

Why'd you do it, Craig?

CRAIG:

I'm a puppeteer.

They drive in silence.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Craig sits on the couch in his bathrobe and studies the

want ads. He sees an ad for a company called "WOMYN-TEERS",

looking for "an African-American, Lesbian Separatist

Puppeteer for Community Outreach." Craig rubs his chin in

thought, stands with determination.

MUSIC IN:
SAME AS BEFORE.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BATHROOM - MORNING

Craig applies a dark pancake make-up to his face.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Craig pulls an afro-style wig off a mannequin head on

Lotte's dressing table.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Craig, now made up to look like a black, lesbian

separatist, hails a cab. Women look at him longingly.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig, dressed as the black lesbian and beaten to a pulp.

sits in the passenger seat. Lotte drives.

LOTTE:

(finally)

Why, Craig. why?

CRAIG:

(through fat lip)

I... puppeteer.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig reads the paper. He comes across an ad: "Female

puppeteer wanted for nudist colony marionette staging of

'Oh, Calcutta!'" Craig rubs his chin.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig sits in the passenger seat. He is made up as a

woman and wears a full-body rubber "naked woman" suit.

Lotte drives.

LOTTE:

(finally)

You know, maybe you should speak to

someone about this.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig sees a personal ad: "Male puppeteer looking for

attractive female puppeteer for friendship, travel, and

much much more." Craig rubs his chin, then thinks better

of it and sighs. He finds a want ad calling for a

"short-statured file clerk with unusually nimble and

dexterous fingers needed for speed filing." Craig writes

down the address.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

Craig. in sport coat and tie, studies the business listings

board. He finds LesterCorp, and sees that it is located on

floor 7 1/2. Craig presses the elevator button and waits.

Another man comes and waits next to him. The doors open,

and Craig and the other man get in.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

The other man presses "9." Craig studies the buttons. There

is no "7 1/2."

WOMAN #1

Seven and a half, right?

CRAIG:

Uh. yeah.

WOMAN #1

I'll take you through it.

The man picks up a crowbar leaning in the corner. He

watches the floor numbers light up in succession. After

"7" and before "8", the man hits the emergency stop button.

The elevator slams to a halt. The man pries open the doors

with the crowbar. Revealed is a standard office building

hallway, except that from floor to ceiling it is only about

four feet high. Everything is scaled down accordingly.

The number on the wall across from the elevator is 7 1/2.

WOMAN #1

Seven and a half.

CRAIG:

Thank you.

Craig climbs out onto the 7 1/2 floor.

CUT TO:

INT. SEVEN AND A HALF FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Craig, hunched-over, makes his way down the hallway

looking for LesterCorp. He passes a hunched-over man

walking in the other direction. They nod to each other.

Craig finds a door marked "LesterCorp - Meeting America's

Filing Needs Since 1922." He enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTERCORP RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

All furniture is scaled down to fit into this low-ceilinged

space. A few other short men sit reading tiny magazines.

Craig approaches Floris, the receptionist.

FLORIS:

Welcome to LesterCorp. May we meet

your filing needs?

CRAIG:

No, uh, my name is Craig Schwartz.

I have an interview with Mr. Lester.

FLORIS:

Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez...

CRAIG:

Schwartz.

FLORIS:

Pardon?

CRAIG:

Schwartz.

FLORIS:

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no idea

what you're saying right now.

CRAIG:

My name is Schwartz.

FLORIS:

Money, Miss Warts?

CRAIG:

Forget it.

Craig takes a seat next to the other applicants.

FLORIS:

(calling across the room)

Fork ah did?

The intercom buzzes. Floris picks it up.

FLORIS:

(to Craig)

Mr. Juarez?

CRAIG:

Yes?

FLORIS:

Yex?

CRAIG:

I said "yes."

FLORIS:

You suggest what? I have no time for

piddling suggestions from mumbling job

applicants, my good man. Besides, Dr.

Lester will see you now. I think

that's what he said.

Craig stands, opens Lester's door, and enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig enters. Lester, a giant of an old man, sits hunched

behind his tiny desk.

LESTER:

Come in, Mr. Juarez. I'd stand, but,

well, you know.

CRAIG:

(extending his hand)

Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,

Dr. Lester.

Lester flips an intercom switch.

LESTER:

Security.

CRAIG:

No, it's okay, sir. Just a mixup with

your secretary.

LESTER:

She's not my secretary. She's what

they call an executive liaison, and

I'm not banging her, if that's what

you’re implying.

CRAIG:

Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply

misspoke.

LESTER:

Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you

feel you can bring to LesterCorp?

CRAIG:

Well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

LESTER:

(crafty)

You think so, eh? Which comes first,

L or... Glooph?

CRAIG:

Glooph is not a letter, sir.

LESTER:

Damn, you are good. I tried to trick

you. Okay, put these in order.

Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders

them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches,

eyes wide.

LESTER (CONT'D)

(flips intercom switch)

Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

FLORIS (O.S.)

Gehginnis ondah foam?

LESTER:

Forget it.

FLORIS (CONT'D)

Fork ah did?

LESTER:

(flips off switch)

Fine woman, Floris. I don't know how

she puts up with this damn speech

impediment of mine.

CRAIG:

You don't have a speech impediment,

Dr. Lester.

LESTER:

Flattery will get you everywhere,

my boy. But I'm afraid I have to

trust Floris on this one. You see,

she has her doctorate in speech

impedimentology from Case Western.

Perhaps you've read her memoirs,

"I can't understand a word any of

you are saying."

CRAIG:

No.

LESTER:

Pity, it tells it like it is.

That's why the eastern, read Jewish,

publishing establishment won't touch

it. That's a quote from the book

jacket. George Will, I think.

(beat)

I apologize if you can't understan

a word I'm saying, Dr. Schwartz.

CRAIG:

No. I understand perfectly.

LESTER:

(choking up)

Thank you for being kind enough to

lie. You see, I've been very lonely

in my isolated tower of

indecipherable speech. You're hired.

Any questions?

CRAIG:

Just one. Why is this floor so short?

LESTER:

Low overhead, m'boy. We pass the

savings on to you.

(laughs heartily)

But seriously, that's all covered in

orientation.

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

It's a small screening room with red velvet seats. There

are a few people scattered about the squat theater. Craig

is among them. He looks around the room and his eyes rest

momentarily on Maxine. She is in her late 20's with close

cropped black hair. Her eyes are opaque, her face

expressionless, her countenance trance-like. She glances

over at Craig, then turns back to the screen. The lights

dim. A projector whirs and the screen is illuminated.

CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

We tilt up the building.

MUSIC:
Perky Industrial Film Music.

TITLE:
The 7 1/2 Floor

NARRATOR (0.S.)

Welcome to the 7 1/2 floor of the

Mertin-Flemmer building. As you

will now be spending your work day

here, it is important that you learn

a bit about the history of this

famous floor.

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