Being John Malkovich Page #2

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Craig, now made up to look like a black, lesbian

separatist, hails a cab. Women look at him longingly.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig, dressed as the black lesbian and beaten to a pulp.

sits in the passenger seat. Lotte drives.

LOTTE:

(finally)

Why, Craig. why?

CRAIG:

(through fat lip)

I... puppeteer.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig reads the paper. He comes across an ad: "Female

puppeteer wanted for nudist colony marionette staging of

'Oh, Calcutta!'" Craig rubs his chin.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Craig sits in the passenger seat. He is made up as a

woman and wears a full-body rubber "naked woman" suit.

Lotte drives.

LOTTE:

(finally)

You know, maybe you should speak to

someone about this.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE' S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig sees a personal ad: "Male puppeteer looking for

attractive female puppeteer for friendship, travel, and

much much more." Craig rubs his chin, then thinks better

of it and sighs. He finds a want ad calling for a

"short-statured file clerk with unusually nimble and

dexterous fingers needed for speed filing." Craig writes

down the address.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

Craig. in sport coat and tie, studies the business listings

board. He finds LesterCorp, and sees that it is located on

floor 7 1/2. Craig presses the elevator button and waits.

Another man comes and waits next to him. The doors open,

and Craig and the other man get in.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

The other man presses "9." Craig studies the buttons. There

is no "7 1/2."

WOMAN #1

Seven and a half, right?

CRAIG:

Uh. yeah.

WOMAN #1

I'll take you through it.

The man picks up a crowbar leaning in the corner. He

watches the floor numbers light up in succession. After

"7" and before "8", the man hits the emergency stop button.

The elevator slams to a halt. The man pries open the doors

with the crowbar. Revealed is a standard office building

hallway, except that from floor to ceiling it is only about

four feet high. Everything is scaled down accordingly.

The number on the wall across from the elevator is 7 1/2.

WOMAN #1

Seven and a half.

CRAIG:

Thank you.

Craig climbs out onto the 7 1/2 floor.

CUT TO:

INT. SEVEN AND A HALF FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Craig, hunched-over, makes his way down the hallway

looking for LesterCorp. He passes a hunched-over man

walking in the other direction. They nod to each other.

Craig finds a door marked "LesterCorp - Meeting America's

Filing Needs Since 1922." He enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTERCORP RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

All furniture is scaled down to fit into this low-ceilinged

space. A few other short men sit reading tiny magazines.

Craig approaches Floris, the receptionist.

FLORIS:

Welcome to LesterCorp. May we meet

your filing needs?

CRAIG:

No, uh, my name is Craig Schwartz.

I have an interview with Mr. Lester.

FLORIS:

Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez...

CRAIG:

Schwartz.

FLORIS:

Pardon?

CRAIG:

Schwartz.

FLORIS:

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have no idea

what you're saying right now.

CRAIG:

My name is Schwartz.

FLORIS:

Money, Miss Warts?

CRAIG:

Forget it.

Craig takes a seat next to the other applicants.

FLORIS:

(calling across the room)

Fork ah did?

The intercom buzzes. Floris picks it up.

FLORIS:

(to Craig)

Mr. Juarez?

CRAIG:

Yes?

FLORIS:

Yex?

CRAIG:

I said "yes."

FLORIS:

You suggest what? I have no time for

piddling suggestions from mumbling job

applicants, my good man. Besides, Dr.

Lester will see you now. I think

that's what he said.

Craig stands, opens Lester's door, and enters.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig enters. Lester, a giant of an old man, sits hunched

behind his tiny desk.

LESTER:

Come in, Mr. Juarez. I'd stand, but,

well, you know.

CRAIG:

(extending his hand)

Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,

Dr. Lester.

Lester flips an intercom switch.

LESTER:

Security.

CRAIG:

No, it's okay, sir. Just a mixup with

your secretary.

LESTER:

She's not my secretary. She's what

they call an executive liaison, and

I'm not banging her, if that's what

you’re implying.

CRAIG:

Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply

misspoke.

LESTER:

Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you

feel you can bring to LesterCorp?

CRAIG:

Well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.

LESTER:

(crafty)

You think so, eh? Which comes first,

L or... Glooph?

CRAIG:

Glooph is not a letter, sir.

LESTER:

Damn, you are good. I tried to trick

you. Okay, put these in order.

Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders

them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches,

eyes wide.

LESTER (CONT'D)

(flips intercom switch)

Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

FLORIS (O.S.)

Gehginnis ondah foam?

LESTER:

Forget it.

FLORIS (CONT'D)

Fork ah did?

LESTER:

(flips off switch)

Fine woman, Floris. I don't know how

she puts up with this damn speech

impediment of mine.

CRAIG:

You don't have a speech impediment,

Dr. Lester.

LESTER:

Flattery will get you everywhere,

my boy. But I'm afraid I have to

trust Floris on this one. You see,

she has her doctorate in speech

impedimentology from Case Western.

Perhaps you've read her memoirs,

"I can't understand a word any of

you are saying."

CRAIG:

No.

LESTER:

Pity, it tells it like it is.

That's why the eastern, read Jewish,

publishing establishment won't touch

it. That's a quote from the book

jacket. George Will, I think.

(beat)

I apologize if you can't understan

a word I'm saying, Dr. Schwartz.

CRAIG:

No. I understand perfectly.

LESTER:

(choking up)

Thank you for being kind enough to

lie. You see, I've been very lonely

in my isolated tower of

indecipherable speech. You're hired.

Any questions?

CRAIG:

Just one. Why is this floor so short?

LESTER:

Low overhead, m'boy. We pass the

savings on to you.

(laughs heartily)

But seriously, that's all covered in

orientation.

CUT TO:

INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY

It's a small screening room with red velvet seats. There

are a few people scattered about the squat theater. Craig

is among them. He looks around the room and his eyes rest

momentarily on Maxine. She is in her late 20's with close

cropped black hair. Her eyes are opaque, her face

expressionless, her countenance trance-like. She glances

over at Craig, then turns back to the screen. The lights

dim. A projector whirs and the screen is illuminated.

CUT TO:

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

We tilt up the building.

MUSIC:
Perky Industrial Film Music.

TITLE:
The 7 1/2 Floor

NARRATOR (0.S.)

Welcome to the 7 1/2 floor of the

Mertin-Flemmer building. As you

will now be spending your work day

here, it is important that you learn

a bit about the history of this

famous floor.

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