Funny Farm

FUNNY FARM:

[CHATTERING]

MAN 1:

Oh, no. Here comes a speech.

MAN 2:

Just when I started to enjoy myself.

[CHUCKLING]

Andy...

...all my life I've dreamed of...

...packing up and leaving the city

and the newspaper business behind.

What stopped you, Jack?

Give it a shot.

And moving to some quiet little town

in the country...

...and putting down on paper...

...the novel I know I have inside of me.

MAN 3:

That's not a novel, Jack. It's heartburn.

[LAUGHING]

But for one reason or another,

I never followed that dream.

MAN 2:

No talent.

And to be honest with myself,

I probably never will.

Thank God for that.

But you are, Andy.

You're gonna live out

that dream for me...

...and possibly for every man

seated around this table.

MAN 4:

Not me.

So, Andy, I believe...

...I speak to the feelings

in all our hearts when I say to you:

"You son of a b*tch."

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Seriously...

...we'll miss you, Andy.

Good sports writers are hard to find.

- Lord knows, I have never found one.

MAN 2:
Hey, hey, hey.

Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of

a newspaper man if I didn't know that...

...all of this cynicism merely masks

deeper feelings of resentment and envy.

But seriously, this is really great and...

...I'm touched.

HARRY:
Hey, Andy.

- What's the book gonna be about?

- About 300 pages, Harry.

Show them the check, Andy.

Merely an advance...

...of $10,000.

- Oh, that should cover your airfare back.

As the heir apparent

to your Giants season tickets...

...I wish you all the success in the world.

HARRY:

Don't get your hopes up, Ray.

He'll be back before the preseason ends,

if he goes at all.

No, I don't think so.

This move is for keeps.

That's what Billy Martin said.

Elizabeth and I have made a commitment.

- We're even gonna start a family.

- My God. More Andy Farmers.

HARRY:
Yeah, give it a shot.

- So even if I wanted to move back...

...Elizabeth would never let us.

- All set?

- Yes.

Give me a kiss.

We're off.

Redbud, here we come.

Hey, there's our movers.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, fellas!

See you up there!

- Who the hell was that?

- How should I know?

Elizabeth?

Look at these. These are even better.

- Oh, by far. Mm-hm.

- Shh-shh-shh.

[FLY BUZZING]

[CREAKING]

[SAWING]

Let's get out of here.

- This is the best one yet.

- We can trade it for a "railroad crossing."

Woo-hoo!

Am I crazy or is it even prettier

than when we bought it?

No. You're right.

I am right, it is prettier.

[DUCKS QUACKING]

And, look, the ducks are still here.

ELIZABETH:

I think they must live here, Andy.

That means they're ours.

How about that, Elizabeth?

We own ducks.

We're duck owners.

I bet I could reach in there

with my bare hands and pull out a fish.

Come on, let's go inside.

[FLY BUZZING]

Wait. This is our first real house.

I'll carry you in.

[GROANS]

ELIZABETH:
I heard that.

- Nonsense. You're light as a feather.

[ELIZABETH SCREAMS]

Jeez!

Honey! Oh, God, are you all right?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, baby. It's that damn door.

ELIZABETH:

Oh!

Sweetie pie, I'm sorry.

- Are you better? Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Well...

...welcome to our new home.

Come on.

I wonder how long it would take

for an ambulance to reach us out here.

Let me see that map again.

Which way does it go?

Don't ask me. I'm the assistant.

Where's north? Which is south?

Maybe this.

Who the hell drew this map?

Juice is on.

Water's on. Everything's on track in here.

No phone.

No phone.

They didn't install the phone.

They were supposed to install

a sandstone-beige wall phone...

...next to this window.

- I don't get it.

I ordered that phone in writing a month

in advance. I paid a $50 deposit.

Be that as it may, Andy,

there's no telephone in this kitchen.

Well, 200 years ago, the settlers lived

their entire lives without telephones.

We can manage a day or two

till I get this straightened out.

Okay. Then let's get something to eat.

You can't be hungry already.

Honey, we ate hours ago.

As soon as the movers arrive and unload,

we'll zip into Redbud...

...for an old-fashioned home-cooked meal.

Whatever you say.

Hey, Mac. Which way to Redbud?

How'd you know my name was Mac?

Just guessed.

Then why don't you guess

your way to Redbud?

Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH:

Yeah.

My writing room.

Tell me what you think.

Originally I thought I should put my desk

here so I could look out over the pond.

Then I thought,

no, too many distractions.

So I should put the desk over here

facing this way...

...and I can put the bookshelves

over there. What do you think?

[BIRD CHIRPING]

- Well, I'll tell you what.

- Shh-shh-shh.

Come here, look at this.

What is that, a finch? A lark?

I think it's a sparrow, Andy.

It's perfect.

Isn't it perfect, Elizabeth?

A bird's nest right outside

my writing room window.

Oh, Andy. I don't think I've ever

seen you this happy before.

Well, why shouldn't I be happy?

We bought a house in the country.

Gonna write my novel.

We're gonna start a new family.

When was the last time we horsed around

in the middle of the day?

Six years ago when we were both

down with the flu.

That's too long.

Now?

- Here?

- Mm-hm.

Yes, on both counts.

ELIZABETH:

Shouldn't we wait for the bed to arrive?

ANDY:
Oh, no. The settlers 200 years ago

never needed beds.

ELIZABETH:

No sense breaking with tradition now.

[HORN HONKING]

ANDY:

Listen.

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

[HORN HONKING]

ANDY:

No.

It's them.

The movers are here.

Terrific.

Maybe now we can eat.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Andy?

Hey. Andy?

Andy, look out!

[PETREE CACKLING]

- Honey, are you all right?

- Jesus. What the hell was that?

Who was that maniac?

What is it, a death threat?

No, it's a letter...

...addressed to the people we bought

the house from, the Musselmans.

- A letter?

- This is mail, Andy.

That maniac is our mailman.

I guess there's a lot we'll have to

get used to around here.

But I bet those are just the things

we come to love the mo...

What was that for?

A mosquito.

Honest.

Let me have a try.

Pardon me, sir.

- Could you give us some assistance, please?

- Yeah. Glad to help.

We're looking for Dog Creek Road.

That would be near the town of Redbud.

If I was going to Dog Creek Road,

I sure as hell wouldn't start from here.

But supposing you had to?

Well, then I'd swing around and go back

the way you came.

But this time, turn right

where the old Hollenshed barn used to be.

Then about five miles

before the road dead-ends, veer left...

...and follow the railroad tracks

straight into a town called Beaver Mills.

Or you could take the bridge at the fork in

the road and save yourself a heap of time.

But I wouldn't go that way if I were you.

This ain't a bridge.

- It's termites holding hands.

- We're going over it.

Not me. I wouldn't go over this thing

on a skateboard.

We're going over it. Have faith

in the craftsmanship of our forefathers.

Your forefathers, not my forefathers.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes