Funny Farm Page #2

Oh, Lord.

[CREAKING]

This is insane. What are we doing, man?

We're just movers.

That's all. We're just movers.

No one gets paid for this sh*t.

Go back, go back, go back!

Go back, go back, go back.

It's over. It's over, man.

- Forefathers, my ass!

- Shut up. You're making me nervous.

Any sign of them?

Nope.

I think it's gonna be a sneak attack.

Where'd you get that?

From the picnic basket.

Anything else?

No. This was the last of it.

One banana.

- That's all. I'm sorry.

- No.

I thought I saw an apple.

Nope. Just this.

CROCKER:

Mickey?

MICKEY:
Yeah.

CROCKER:
You still got that map?

MICKEY:
Yeah.

CROCKER:
Don't lose it.

It might be the piece of evidence

that gets me off a murder charge.

MICKEY:

Who you gonna kill, Crocker?

CROCKER:

The son of a b*tch who drew that map.

[KNOCKING ON FLOOR]

ELIZABETH:
When they say

hardwood floors, what they really mean is...

...hard, wood floors.

ANDY:
Oh, it's not so bad. It's warm

in here. We have a roof over our heads.

Think about the settlers 200 years ago.

They slept under the stars

and bathed in icy streams.

And they lived to an average age of 29.

Come here.

Close your eyes

and try to get some sleep.

[ELIZABETH HUMMING]

[CRUNCHES]

[CRUNCHING]

[FLY BUZZING]

Hey.

[TRUCK APPROACHING]

They're here.

Be civil.

Well, it's about time!

Where the hell have you guys been?

Oh, man.

- You hear that?

- Didn't hear a thing.

ANDY:
I'll have somebody's ass for this!

- Perhaps you heard that.

- Nope.

- You're a day late, damn it!

We had to sleep on the floor last night!

Where the hell have you idiots been?

- Or that?

- I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss.

I have a contract. Says if you're late,

you get a rebate. Well, you guys are late.

And I want more than a rebate.

I want a goddamn refund!

Somebody answer me!

- We got lost.

- Lost?

How could you get lost?

I drew you a map!

Okay. That's more like it.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

- This one?

Good choice.

Follow me.

Okay, that goes in my writing room.

It's on the second floor,

last room on the left.

That is top-quality leather.

Watch it going up the stairs.

Also, we just had the floors done

so I don't want scratches and scrapes.

Just take it easy on the floors, okay?

Hey! Fella, hey!

Wait!

Stop!

You slept on the floor, huh?

We slept outside

with the bugs and the wild animals.

A bridge nearly killed us.

Nobody knows where the hell Redbud is.

And we haven't eaten since yesterday.

So stay the hell out of our way

and keep your mouth shut!

Sounds fair.

[WATER SQUISHES]

ELIZABETH:

How's it going?

Fine. Great.

ELIZABETH:

That's good.

Well, back to work.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[WHISTLING]

Yeah.

[SNORING]

[THUDDING]

ELIZABETH:
Hey, Andy?

- What?

Come down here, Andy! Hurry!

[GRUNTING]

ELIZABETH:

Andy?

- Andy?

- What?

- I found the phone.

- Good.

Call the movers. I'm not spending

another night in this house.

- Why? What happened?

- There's a coffin in the garden.

- Operator.

ANDY:
Sheriff's office, please.

Yes, sir. I can connect you with the sheriff

if you will kindly deposit 20 cents.

- This isn't a pay phone.

- Please, sir.

Deposit 20 cents in the slot

and I'll complete your call as requested.

You don't understand. This is Mr. Farmer.

We just moved into the Musselman place.

You were supposed to install

a wall phone in the kitchen.

Please, sir, just drop a couple of dimes

in the slot...

...and I will happily complete your call

as requested.

What slot? There is no slot.

Haven't you been listening?

This is not a pay phone! This is a goddamn

1948 table model with a 12" cord...

...that some jackass put in my cabinet!

Disconnect. Vulgar and abusive language,

that's an automatic disconnect.

- Operator.

ANDY:
Yes, hello.

This is Dr. Grail from the...

...Utilities Commission. May I speak with

the sheriff? We have a fire. It's urgent.

Nice try, Mr. Farmer.

Sheriff's office, please.

You gotta get up earlier in the morning

than that, Farmer.

I know the sound of two pennies being

dropped into a jelly jar when I hear it.

Listen to me. This is Elizabeth Farmer.

We have a corpse in the garden. Now

get ahold of the sheriff this very minute.

DIRK:

Yup.

That's a casket, all right.

See? It's nothing to be upset about. It's out

of the ground. It'll be gone in a moment.

What's this gonna cost me, fellas?

Dirk, what is our charge

for excavating mortal remains?

I guess we better bill them by the pound.

Careful, boy.

Don't look.

Take a look at this.

That's Claude Musselman.

- I recognize the glass eye.

- I knew it.

I knew Eula would get

the last word in somehow.

What do you mean?

Claude used to alley-cat around town

with a widow named Dorita Freeburger.

When he died, he left the house to Eula...

...and $10,000 to Dorita.

I guess that made Eula mad enough

to stuff Claude in this...

...cheap pine box

and plant him in the garden.

Having the last word's

real important around here.

Boys, take him over to the cemetery

and I'll see that he gets a proper burial.

LON:

Right away.

Ma'am, could I trouble you for

a shovel and some plastic GLAD Bags?

I'll get them.

ANDY:

Thanks for all your trouble.

I'd say the worst is behind you now,

but be careful where you dig in the future.

I believe Claude had a mule

that's still unaccounted for.

ANDY:

Thanks for the tip.

LEDBETTER:

Any other problems, just let me know.

ANDY:
No, I think that'll do it.

- No.

No. No, it won't.

Our mailman tried to run us down with his

truck and threw our mail out into the road.

You're on Crum Petree's route,

aren't you?

The problem is, your place is five miles

off his regular route.

By the time he gets all the way out to here,

he's pretty well liquored up and pissed off.

My advice is...

...learn to live with it.

- Well, I'll have a talk with him.

- Yes. You do that, Mr. Farmer.

You two have yourselves a nice little chat.

Ike, let's go.

Thank you, ma'am.

Does the sheriff always ride around

in a taxi?

Yup. Ever since he

flunked his driving test.

ELIZABETH:

Andy, have we made a terrible mistake?

ANDY:

Of course not.

I know things haven't gone

completely according to plan so far.

We just have to adjust our thinking.

We didn't move here

for a change of scenery, did we?

No.

We moved here for a change of heart.

But it's gonna take a little effort

on our parts.

Come on, what do you say?

Give it a chance.

Okay.

I'll make an effort.

- I promise.

- Good.

[CHIRPING]

[WHISTLING]

[BIRD SQUAWKS]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

I'm gonna do a little fishing.

[WHISTLES]

I'm going fishing.

- Done writing?

- I'm taking a break.

I thought I'd try my luck at the pond,

maybe catch us some lunch.

Great. Have fun.

How are you doing?

[WHISTLES]

- How are you doing?

- Me? I'm doing great.

I love the country.

Sorry, fellas.

Hey, honey?

I got one.

Where you going? Where you going?

You wanna fight, do you?

Christ! Get it off!

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