Funny Farm Page #3

Get... Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

[YELLING]

It's caught on me! Elizabeth!

Oh, no.

Honey.

[ELIZABETH SCREAMS]

It's all my fault. I've been so busy writing,

I didn't realize how cooped up you've been.

We're gonna get out

and make some friends, circulate.

Become part of the community.

Hm?

- I guess.

- That's a girl.

"Founder's Day picnic. Softball."

Sounds like fun.

- Wanna go?

- Don't think so.

There's an antique store.

"Ethel Dinges Antiques."

Let's take a look.

Hon, you know you don't enjoy

this sort of thing.

- You go to the ball game. I'll find you later.

- No, I don't mind.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, okay.

- Here, you keep the car.

- Okay.

- Take your time.

- All right.

- See you at the picnic.

- Okay.

- Here you go. Thank you.

- Thanks.

Two hot dogs, please.

BOY 1:
You might as well pay.

BOY 2:
I'll beat you.

[CHATTERING]

MAN 1:

Go, go, go.

- Yeah!

- Let's get them, Redbud.

MAN 2:

Come on, let's go. One more.

Good job, Redbud.

MAN 3:
All right.

- Second base.

Let's get the batter up.

Play ball!

Strike!

Lotterhand, what day is it?

Come on, Redbud!

Strike!

Here we go.

Come on. Put it in there.

All right. Yeah.

I got it.

Strike three.

Gee. Sorry, Marion.

Run, you idiot, run!

He dropped the third strike!

Somebody pick up the ball!

Somebody get the ball!

What the hell is this?

Gus called three strikes.

WOMAN:

Somebody pick up the damn ball!

Safe!

MAN 1:
What's the matter with you,

are you blind?

GUS:
I call them as I see them.

MAN 2:
He's got the ball here...

GUS:

Get an ambulance.

WOMAN:
If you have any questions,

feel free to ask.

- This is nice.

- Isn't it, though?

That belonged to my sister.

She's dead.

Oh, sorry.

We were very close.

This cup is all I have to remember her by.

Everything else was lost in the explosion.

This is perfect.

How much are you asking?

That belonged to my husband.

It was his favorite chair.

He would come home

from a hard day on the railroad...

...and just rock and rock.

I can almost see him in it now.

I don't believe...

...a soul has sat in that chair...

...since the day his heart attacked him.

WOMAN:
lt'll be all right.

BOY:
Ma, is he dead?

[SIREN WAILING]

Well, that's that.

Forget the fishing derby, boys.

- How come?

- Without Marion, we're a man short.

Rules say four men in a boat.

ANDY:

I'm glad to help out, fellas.

I hope this won't take too long.

My wife's gonna come down... Ah!

Hey!

You must be new to Redbud.

Just moved up from New York.

How do you like it so far?

Oh, it's lovely.

No, that's not true. It's just awful.

Everything just seems to be going wrong.

Bugs...

...snakes...

...dead bodies.

- Oh, dear.

We had such high hopes.

Of course you did. Of course you did.

Everything will work out. You'll see.

Why don't we sit down here...

...and I'll make us a nice

cold pitcher of iced tea.

No, I don't wanna trouble you.

Nonsense. Now you sit down here

and I'll be right back.

- Ah!

- What is it?

He won't hurt you, dear. He's stuffed.

He... He just startled me, that's all.

- I'll take him away.

- No, no.

No, I'm all right now.

I'll be right back.

Oh, boy.

[YELLS]

Jesus, Brock, I'm sorry!

ANDY:
What happened?

- I hooked his neck.

No, don't pull on it.

You'll rip his damn veins out.

He'll bleed to death.

Take it easy. You're just making it worse.

- Let me see it!

- Stay away from me.

- We gotta get the hook out. Hold still!

- Get away! Get away!

- You've got to hold still!

- Get away from me!

- Gotta knock him out.

- What?

It's the only way to get the hooks out.

Sorry, Brock, it's for your own good.

Will you cut that out?

- You bastard!

HANK:
It's not working.

You're not knocking him out,

you're beating him up.

- Sons of b*tches!

- Hold still!

- He sure is tough.

- Somebody else take a swing.

I only hooked him in the neck,

I'm not trying to kill him.

[REEL WHIRRING]

- Help me pull his hands away from his face.

- Hey, I got a strike.

I'm gonna kill you for this.

I'm sorry, Brock.

It's for your own good.

[YELLS]

Oh, Jesus. Fellas, I'm sorry!

That's cold.

Hey, look.

It fell out.

- No need to thank me.

- Grab him.

- I was only trying to help.

- He's mine.

If you come to get me, I'll be ready!

I don't work! I don't sleep!

Damn.

LEDBETTER:

Mrs. Farmer? Mrs. Farmer?

I've been looking for you, Mrs. Farmer.

Can I speak to you for a minute?

I got something here for you,

Mrs. Farmer.

Try again tomorrow, sheriff?

Hello, sheriff. What is it?

The bill for Claude Musselman's funeral.

Four thousand dollars?

I'd call it a bargain. He got the most

scenic plot in Memorial Cemetery.

For $4,000, we could have had him

stuffed and mounted over the fireplace.

I thought you'd wanna give him

the best burial money could buy.

Frankly, I don't see how any of this

is our respons...

- Can we discuss this some other time?

- lf you like.

I'll take it up with my husband

the moment he dries out.

Just remember, Mrs. Farmer,

when you buy a house...

...what's in the ground belongs to you,

whether it's gold or oil...

...or Claude Musselman.

- You wanna talk about it?

- No.

Then take a look at this.

Four thousand dollars?

It's itemized.

"One satin-lined casket, $2525?

One Italian marble headstone, $1,200?

Reverend Cobb's sermon, one...

Traffic control"?

What? What?

So such for getting out

and making friends.

Hey, wait. Stop, go back.

Go back.

If I can't make a friend,

I'll goddamn buy one.

We're home, boy. Out you go.

[BARKING]

Hey, hey. Get away from those ducks.

Hell of a dog.

It sure likes to run.

Yo! Hey!

Dog!

Hey! Hey!

Come back! Dog!

[WHISTLES]

Come on! Come!

Ah!

Stay here.

Maybe our homeowner's policy

will cover it.

- Well?

- Vanished without a trace.

I must have covered 10 square miles.

This has been one hell of a day.

And it isn't over yet.

They installed the kitchen phone

while we were gone.

Well, thank God

something's gone right today.

Does it work?

- I don't know. I didn't try it.

- Why not?

I didn't have any change.

- Are you feeling better now?

- Yeah.

- You?

- Yeah.

- You wanna horse around?

- Yeah.

[DOG BARKING]

Hey.

[WHISTLES]

Hey! Dog!

[HORN HONKING]

[TRUCK BACKFIRING]

[PETREE CACKLING]

I'm not giving up!

You're not dealing

with some ignorant hick here!

Heading south for the winter, eh?

[GUNSHOTS]

Welcome back, fellas.

Oh, hold on one second.

Are you there? Okay.

[WHISTLING]

You look beautiful.

Happy anniversary.

- Ready for a big night on the town?

- Mm-hm.

But before we go,

I have something for you.

So do I. It's right here.

But I'm saving it for later.

Mine's on the porch. You can have it now.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

No peeking.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

Is it alive?

[ELIZABETH LAUGHS]

This one's guaranteed not to run away.

What's his name?

That's up to you.

Hello, Yellow Dog.

He's beautiful. I love him. Thank you.

ANDY:
We could plant corn back there.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes