Funny Farm Page #4

There's plenty of room.

ELIZABETH:
Or pumpkins.

ANDY:
Pumpkins would be great.

More lamb fries.

Eat them while they're hot.

Andy, that's your third order.

I am hooked, Elizabeth.

Call me Mr. Lamb Fries.

Now there's a man who knows when

he's got something good in his mouth.

You polish off that plate

and you'll break the record, 28.

That one makes 26.

Stand back, everybody.

The record falls tonight.

Look at him go.

I believe he's right.

I believe that record will fall tonight.

- Twenty-seven.

- It's stood at 28 for nearly two years now.

That long? Go for it, Andrew.

- Twenty-eight.

- That's a tie.

Twenty-nine!

The new record!

And he's still going.

I thought that record

was gonna last forever.

Most folks just don't seem to have

a taste for testicles no more.

ELIZABETH:
Testicles?

- Yes, ma'am. Sheep balls.

[FORK CLATTERS]

IVY:
That's right.

- Tell him why yours is so tasty.

Well, the trick is you've got to

clip them off way up high.

Uh-oh. Looks like we got trouble here.

I knew you should've explained

these things better in the menu.

Don't be strangers now, you hear?

What is this?

Oh, just part of your anniversary present.

I thought we could use

a night away from home.

ELIZABETH:

I didn't pack anything.

I thought of that.

You devil.

- Are you sure you're feeling better now?

- Oh, fine. I feel great.

This is so romantic.

Why don't you make a fire?

First...

...open this.

Go ahead, open it.

It's my novel, Elizabeth. The Big Heist.

The first few chapters, anyway.

Oh, Andy.

That manuscript is the whole reason

we moved to the country.

It's good? You really think it's good?

Well, read it and tell me.

Now? Tonight?

Yes, of course.

What, with you watching me?

Well, I'll make a fire and you read.

Honey.

Go ahead. Read. Read.

You're not laughing.

You didn't find that funny?

- What, you mean the first page?

- Yeah.

There are at least three big laughs

on that page alone.

Look at this guy's name.

[LAUGHS]

- Andy.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Read the next page. It gets funnier.

Is this a comedy?

I thought it was, you know,

action-adventure.

It is. It's all three.

Read. It's great. Read.

[ANDY LAUGHING]

Andy, honey, let me read this at home.

I can't... I can't even...

I'm sorry. I know.

You can't read while I'm here.

- I'll tell you what.

- Where are you going?

Well, I saw a liquor store on the corner.

I'll buy some champagne, we can celebrate.

- But...

- You just stay here and read.

I love you.

Wait. Wait, don't tell me yet.

Okay, I'm ready. What'd you think?

[SOBBING]

I guess that means you don't like it.

You think it's lousy?

The whole thing?

It's all those flashbacks. You never know

when anything is taking place.

In the first 20 pages alone, I counted

three flashbacks, one flash-forward...

...and I think on Page 8

you have a flash-sideways.

Well, what about the story?

The story?

Yeah. Four poker buddies

knocking over a casino.

The perfect crime.

What are you saying I should do? Take out

the flashbacks? Rewrite the opening?

I could do that.

Then what?

Burn it.

You don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

Thanks.

You don't know a damn thing about writing.

You're a schoolteacher, not an editor.

That's obvious. I read the whole thing.

An editor would have stopped reading

after the first paragraph.

Okay. You want me to burn it? Is that

what you want? You want me to burn it?

There. I hope you're happy, Mrs. Critic!

It's burning now, okay?

It's burning!

Sh*t!

Oh, goddamn it.

Ow, ow, ow.

[SAWING]

I'm sorry about the way

I behaved last night.

You were just being honest.

And it's encouraged me to try harder

and do better. For that, I thank you.

Oh, Andy.

[CRASHING]

Think we should put this back?

What, are you nuts? This sign is mint.

There's not a bullet hole in it.

[HORN HONKING]

Andy. Andy, honey.

[PETREE CACKLING]

Save your strength, sweetheart.

I'll get the mail.

[SCREAMS]

ELIZABETH:
You want anything else?

How about some apple pie?

No, thanks. I'm just gonna sit here

by the fire and relax.

ELIZABETH:
Well, can I bring you

a cup of coffee, then?

[SNIFFING]

All right. Good.

[SIZZLING]

Here we go.

Hot. Hot.

Here, honey.

Thank you.

I have good news, Andy.

You do? Well, let's hear it.

I'm always in the mood for good news.

Look.

A check for $5,000 made out to you?

Isn't it wonderful? I sold a book.

What book?

A book I wrote.

Five thousand,

is that much for a first book?

When did you write a book?

Well, at odd times. You know,

a little bit here, a little bit there.

I wrote it out longhand on legal pads.

Then I Federal Expressed it to an address

I found in your magazine.

And then today when I collected the mail,

there was an envelope...

...and in it was a contract, a check...

...and a typed version of my manuscript.

- I can hardly believe it.

- Me too.

The publisher wants to know

if I have any others.

- You wrote a book and then you sold it?

- Yeah.

- Well, what's it about?

- Animals.

- Squirrels, mostly.

- Squirrels?

- What kind of book is that?

- A children's book.

A children's book? Oh, a children's book.

What did you think I wrote, a novel?

I didn't know. That's wonderful.

Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm so proud of you. That's wonderful.

- Are you, honey? Are you really?

- Of course.

Because I thought you might feel

a little bit jealous or threatened.

Me? Are you kidding?

So tell me, these squirrels,

do they have adventures?

Oh, yeah. It's so great.

It's about a squirrel from Central Park

who falls asleep in a delivery truck...

...and wakes up in the country.

He has some funny misadventures

and he makes all kinds of mistakes...

...because he's from the city, right...

...and now he's completely

out of his element.

It's a fish-out-of-water story.

This squirrel is me, isn't it?

No. No, I wouldn't say that.

What's his name?

Andy.

I'm a son of a b*tch.

No, honey. Please don't be upset.

It's really very flattering.

You were my inspiration.

This is a tribute to you.

- I'd like to read it.

- And you shall.

You shall.

Oh, and one more thing.

Would you mind, Andy, if I used

the typewriter for a little bit tonight?

I have some ideas for a second story I wanna

get down before they fly out of my head.

Oh, sure.

It'll go much faster on the typewriter.

That is, if you don't mind, of course.

ANDY:

Okay, let me straighten up a little.

You know, I'm starting to enjoy the idea

of both of us being writers.

It's in the great tradition of...

...what's-his-name and his wife.

Where'd you get that?

ELIZABETH:

Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.

He's what gave me the idea

to write the book in the first place.

I thought I was your inspiration.

It was the combination of the two.

What I did, Andy,

was use the entire town.

There's a great big old hedgehog

based on Sheriff Ledbetter.

There's two crazy raccoons that remind me

of those Criterion brothers.

Ooh! Remember that strange man...?

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