Funny Farm Page #5

But the squirrel, Andy,

he's the main character, isn't he?

Well, yes, of course.

So, what kind of cute things will old

Andy the squirrel be up to in the next book?

- Maybe you should read the manuscript first.

- I will, I will.

I was just wondering

what's in store for Andy next.

Well, actually, he doesn't make it

into the second book.

Why not?

He gets run over by a truck

at the end of the first book.

[TYPING]

[MATTRESS SQUEAKS]

Do you have any idea what time it is?

[TYPING IN DISTANCE]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

All right. All right. Okay.

Shovel it.

Let's see Memorial Cemetery bill me now.

Thanks, fellas.

- See you tomorrow.

- Okay, Andy.

Thanks, boss.

Come on, come on.

It's 1:
00 in the afternoon, Andy.

I'm taking the truck into town.

I need some supplies.

And I wanna drop in on Mrs. Dinges.

What's going on, Andy?

Is this what you wanna do with your life?

Sleep all day long and hang out

with the Criterion brothers?

You're sinking into a pit of self-pity,

defeatism and alcohol...

...and you're enjoying it.

You'll see me when you see me.

Come on. Come on.

[HORN HONKING]

Come on.

Sh*t.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Are you nuts?

What were you honking at?

- Are you Mr. Farmer? Mr. Andy Farmer?

- What?

Yes, I am. Why?

We've been trying to contact you

for some time, Mr. Farmer.

My name is Michael Sinclair.

[HORN HONKING]

Wait. Shut up a minute. Listen.

Sh*t. Give me a hand with this.

Come on! Get over here and push. Now!

May I ask what the point of this is?

Just keep pushing. You'll see.

- Hurry up, he's coming.

- Yes.

Who? Who's coming?

Okay, this is good.

- Hold it steady till I say.

- I don't think I can hold it much longer.

Sure you can. Sure you can.

- You're doing just fine.

- Mr. Farmer.

May I know what we're doing?

- When I give you the signal, let it go.

- But Mr. Farmer...

Shh! Quiet.

- Now! Let it go.

- I can't.

- Now, goddamn it!

- I can't! I can't! I can't!

[PETREE CACKLING]

Sh*t!

We could have nailed him.

We could have had him dead center.

- Who are you anyway?

- I told you who I was.

I'm Michael Sinclair.

From Hufnagel and...

...Brown. Your publisher, Mr. Farmer.

- What are you doing here?

- Your deadline, the first installment.

- Deadline?

- Three weeks ago, actually.

We didn't hear from you.

Mr. Farmer, our letters went unanswered.

Look, I know all of this must seem crazy,

but you'll just have to trust me on this.

There's absolutely nothing

out of the ordinary happening here.

Yes.

Sorry about your car.

A rental?

I just bought it.

Let's just forget about the deadline.

Return the advance money

and we'll call it even.

What, give the money back?

I've been working.

I've got stuff down on paper,

right in my house.

Come up and look at it. It's great stuff.

Here, take this.

It's not the novel, but it shows

I've been working. I think you'll like it.

Please take it.

You'll be hearing from us, Mr. Farmer.

Good day.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

- Hello? Farmer residence?

- Yes.

Well, I finally made it.

Getting through to Redbud is

no easy business.

Is Mr. Farmer there?

No, he's...

Well, he's still sleeping actually.

This is his wife. Can I help you?

This is Michael Sinclair, Mrs. Farmer...

...from Hufnagel and Brown...

...your husband's publishing house.

- Oh, yes.

Would you mind passing along

to your husband my apologies?

I've been dealing with writers

for 15 years.

You'd think I'd be used to

their eccentricities by now.

Anyway, I acted like a fool

and I apologize.

Your husband's a very talented man.

Thank you.

But how did you know?

Believe me, Mrs. Farmer, I know.

I have in front of me a manuscript...

...that is simply wondefrul.

- It's fresh, it's original.

- You like it?

We love it. And we want to put it out.

Andy will be thrilled.

We don't actually publish children's books

here at Hufnagel.

- But we have a subsidiary...

- Wait a minute.

- Did you say "children's book"?

- Yes.

Didn't he submit a book about

four poker buddies knocking over a casino?

A casino?

No. No, this book is about squirrels.

Mrs. Farmer?

Mrs. Farmer, are you there?

Hello?

- What's up?

- What's it look like?

I'm leaving.

And I want a divorce.

- What's wrong?

- How could you?

Have you no shame?

Have you actually sunk this low?

What are you talking about?

Your publisher just called.

He just loves the book you gave him.

My book!

What, were you drunk again?

Or just desperate?

How could you do something

so pathetic and underhanded?

ANDY:

Underhanded?

What do you call writing a book

behind my back...

...all the while telling me mine stinks?

Talk about underhanded. Huh?

What about that?

You're not taking the typewriter.

I don't want your typewriter, Andy.

You keep it.

Maybe you'll find a use for it someday.

What about the apple?

What apple?

ANDY:

"What apple?"

You know very well what apple.

The last apple.

The one you ate when we were practically

starving. After you ate the last banana!

Are you serious?

Don't try to deny it.

I stepped on the core!

Don't worry.

I'm willing to concede that our marriage

has been just a series of mutual betrayals.

I know it, you know it,

and Yellow Dog knows it!

Yellow Dog doesn't even know

what town he lives in!

I'm taking this truck

and I'm moving in with Mrs. Dinges!

Good!

Out!

Scram! Beat it!

Don't forget your pal, Andy!

All right, then.

We've come together in the matter

of Farmer v. Farmer.

Mrs. Farmer, you're beginning

divorce proceedings...

...against your husband, correct?

- Who wants the house?

- I don't.

- Not me.

GUS:
Well, at least you're both

in agreement on something.

Marion, when's the next

available court date?

- We have to go to court?

GUS:
We are merely attorneys, Mrs. Farmer...

...handmaidens of the law.

Only a judge can dissolve a marriage.

A circuit judge will be here

next month...

...but that's when we go to trial

on your personal injury, it seems.

Wait a minute. You represent him

in another matter?

Yes, sir.

- Isn't that a conflict of interest?

- Not in my book.

Okay. How about

the first week in February?

July would be better for me.

July is seven months away.

- Were you in a rush?

- Excuse us just a minute.

You gotta get this ceiling

painted sometime, Marion.

MAN:
Move to carry. The town of Redbud

will seek official accreditation...

...as the acorn capital of the world.

Last on the agenda, Elizabeth and

Andy Farmer have requested permission...

...to address the council.

As the current lamb-fry record holder...

...I'm sure Mr. Farmer

is familiar to you all.

- Why don't you sit down?

- Cut it out.

Thank you, Mayor Barclay,

members of the council.

Citizens of Redbud.

We came to Redbud...

...filled with hopes and dreams

for a better life and a better place.

And basically, we've seen

those hopes and dreams...

...shattered and crushed

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