Funny Farm Page #6

before our very eyes.

Now, I'm not saying it's entirely your fault.

We're as much to blame for this as you.

Well, maybe more like 60-40...

...but we didn't come down here

to quibble over percentages.

- What did you come here for?

- Sit down.

We came here to ask your help

in selling our house.

[MURMURING]

There's money in this for you.

Sit down. We can at least listen.

Sit down.

ANDY:

Thank you very much.

My wife, Elizabeth.

These are Saturday Evening Post

magazines from the '30s and the '40s.

The covers of these magazines were

painted by a man named Norman Rockwell.

Norman Rockwell knew a thing or two

about small-town life.

Normal small-town life.

He knew how people looked,

what they did, how they dressed.

And that's what we want from you.

We want you to look and dress and act...

...just like the people

on the covers of these magazines.

So...

Pass them out amongst yourselves.

Look at them. Study them.

Take them home, if you wish.

But be careful, they're on loan

from Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.

Hold on, now, Mrs. Farmer.

Did we hear some mention of money?

Within 24 hours of the close of escrow

on our property...

...we will present to the town of Redbud

a check in the amount of $15,000.

Also, a bonus of $50 each...

...to any individual who performs...

...a specific act of

traditional small-town behavior...

...in the presence

of the prospective buyers.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Leave it to me, Andy and Elizabeth.

I'll ram this project home.

ANDY:
Now, how much notice do you think

you'll need to start acting normal?

Here they come.

They're going around front. Good.

Oh, Bud.

It's perfect.

It's just what we're looking for.

Oh, look, honey, ducks.

- Cue the deer.

- Roger.

Oh, look.

- Great.

- Play it cool, honey.

- Let's not let them think we're too eager.

- Yes, yes.

Go.

How do I look?

The pipe's a bit much.

- Yes?

- Hi, the Culbertsons, Bud and Betsy.

- Oh, yeah. Please come in.

- Thank you.

Darling, the Culbertsons are here.

Oh!

Didn't expect you so soon.

Andrew Farmer. Excuse the mess.

Don't you have a dog?

You bet.

He's probably out somewhere

scaring up game.

It's been a dream of ours for a long time,

moving out to the country.

Bud's going to write a novel.

[COUGHING]

How nice.

Excuse me.

This is a wonderful house to write in.

Do you mind if I ask why you're moving?

[HORN HONKING]

Well, actually we're being transferred.

Andy's with the government.

High-level position.

It's all classified.

You know how it is.

They never tell the wives...

[TRUCK BACKFIRES]

Mail, Mr. Farmer.

I'll just put it right over here

on the table for you, sir.

As usual, I weeded out...

...all of the junk mail myself.

Mrs. Farmer, Mrs. Petree asked me

to bring this over to you.

It's her traditional rum-nut-plum-raisin

cake of the season.

Thank you.

May I present Mr. and Mrs. Culbertson?

- Bud and Betsy.

- They're thinking of buying the house.

Oh, is that so? Well, you won't regret it.

But I'm really gonna be sorry

to see the Farmers go.

[CACKLING]

Well, I'd better be going.

Doing some ice fishing tonight. Pulling

some nice size pike out of the lake, I hear.

Good day to you folks.

Ice fishing?

I thought it was a nice touch.

But it'll cost you.

[BAND PLAYING

"DECK THE HALLS"]

This is gonna cost us a fortune.

The $50 bonus was your idea.

Little piece of heaven, isn't it, Bud?

- Very nice. Very nice.

WOMAN 1:
Happy holidays.

MAN 1:
Season's greetings.

BARCLAY:
Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

MAN 2:
Season's greetings, folks.

WOMAN 2:
Merry Christmas.

BARCLAY:
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas. Andy.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, folks. Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

- Hello, sheriff.

Is everything going well in Redbud?

I was just about to take a run

to your place.

BUD:

You patrol the homes outside of town?

Absolutely. Twice a day.

Check for any suspicious vehicles

or persons in the area.

If the owner is on vacation,

I try the locks.

Pick up all the newspapers.

- Redbud may be a small town...

- Well, keep up the good work, sheriff.

Ivy's is open. Hungry, Bud?

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, sheriff.

Merry Christmas.

MAN 1:
Watch it.

MAN 2:
Move out of the way!

[GASPS]

ANDY:

Watch your step.

ALL:

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

[CAROLERS SINGING

"DECK THE HALLS"]

BOY:

Hey, Mom, this is fun!

Thank you.

That was just beautiful. Why don't you all

come inside for some hot cocoa and eggnog?

[CHATTERING]

[SINGING "JOY TO THE WORLD"]

A toast to the Farmers.

We'll miss you or my name isn't...

...Otis Berryhill, 23 Redbud Road.

- To the Farmers!

Thank you.

I would like to propose a toast too,

if I may.

I may not be a sentimental man...

...but there is something

I would like to say at this time.

It's very hard for Elizabeth and me

to say farewell.

There will always be a special place

for Redbud in our hearts.

And I know that you will show

the new owners, whoever they may be...

...the same affection

that you've shown us.

And that they too will grow to love

this town and this house...

...and all of you wonderful people

just as much as we have.

My friends...

[YELLOW DOG GROWLING]

...as the saying goes:

[THUDS]

Once a Redbudian...

ALL:

Always a Redbudian.

ANDY:

And so, my friends, a toast.

- To Redbud.

ALL:
To Redbud.

OTIS:
Well, back to work. Thanks, Andy.

- Goodbye, Otis.

Merry Christmas.

- Warren Smith.

- Warren Smith.

- Bob Connor.

- Bob Connor.

- Connie Caliber.

- Connie Caliber.

Bill Benden.

No, no. No, no, no.

Get out of here.

Merry Christmas.

- Doris Newbury.

- Doris, hi.

- Elizabeth Garfield.

- Elizabeth Garfield.

Andy.

Betsy and I wanna sleep on it...

...but I think we'll be back in the morning

to make you an offer on the house.

What, tomorrow?

Well, where are you staying tonight?

Sid's Hideaway Bungalows.

No, no, stay away from town.

Stay with us.

- Stay in our guest room.

BUD:
Well, that's awful nice of you, Andy.

It's no problem at all. Happy to do it.

Okay, let's get our bags.

[SINGING "SILENT NIGHT"]

ELIZABETH:

I love the sound of Christmas carolers.

ANDY:

Yeah.

They've been at it for hours.

You can have the bed.

I'll sleep on the floor.

I'm sorry about this.

It's only for one night.

You did it, Andy.

You really pulled it off.

Of course I did, Elizabeth.

Being a fake is what I do best.

BUD:

That's our offer, Andy.

- This is more than we're asking.

- We want it all. The furniture...

...the dishes, the pots and pans.

BETSY:
It's all so perfect.

- We want everything.

- I even want the dog.

Yellow Dog? You want Yellow Dog?

Just initial that offer on the bottom,

Andy, and we'll call it a deal.

I've done a lot of things

I'm ashamed of lately, Elizabeth.

Made a lot of mistakes.

I don't wanna make another one.

I don't wanna move. I like it here.

I don't wanna move either.

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