100 Girls

One hundred girls.

And one of them

is my true love.

My forever soul mate.

The Betty to my Barney.

My cosmetic destiny.

The problem is...

I don't know who she is.

I was leaving a highball bash

in the girl's dorm.

Can you hit the

basement button, please?

My back was to her when

that auspicious blackout hit.

I never got a chance

to see her.

It must've been the cloak of darkness

concealing my usual romantic block.

Because that night I was smart,

I was funny, I was invincible

Did you ever notice in the movie "Willy

Wonka & the Chocolate Factory"...

that the Oompa Loompas

never wore hairnets?

Do you know what I really hate?

Those stickers they put on apples.

By the time you peel it off,

you don't want the apple anymore.

I sometimes wish I could

just crawl up with a girl.

Just hold each other. Like that picture

of John Lennon and Yoko 0no.

That is so sweet.

And that's when it happened.

Our tongues tangled.

And our hands began displaying

their in credible night vision.

Her little breasts were

just the right size to fill...

a champagne glass.

My impressive man hood in my pants

expanded like popcorn.

We never knew

each other's names.

Maybe it was the mystery of if all

that made it so exciting.

in the morning...

she was gone.

I had to find her.

I didn't get much support

from my roommate Rod.

What you're getting so bad

out of shape for, man?

- I mean, it's just a girl.

- I should've expected you to say that.

- What do you mean?

- I mean you're the kind of guy...

who likes those silhouettes of naked

women on the mud flaps of trucks.

You play video games watching a porn

movie on the picture and picture.

- You revel in the size of your dumps.

- Hey, Matt!

You gotta check this out!

Yeah, I do all those things.

This isn't just another girl, Rod.

I connected with her.

The last intimate encounter I had

with a woman was when I was five.

Id pulled down my pants, and

Vickie poured sand on my winky.

This is better than playing

with you shovel, man.

Ever since then, I've had this

burning need for a woman.

When I was 10 years old,

I liked getting a boner so much...

I started taping my pecker so that

it would stay up all the time.

I did the same thing,

but I used duct tape, man.

Shut up, I'm trying

to make a point here.

I've never had this kind of

success with a woman before.

When I was 16, I tried talking to girls.

I had to write myself cheat notes...

on my hands so I had a list of topics

I could talk to the girls about.

- What's that on your hand?

- Nothing.

My romantic IQ must've mashed me,

because I showed the girl my list.

It's all sorts of things

I can talk to you about.

I thought I was the

biggest loser of all time.

It wasn't as bad as senior prom,

when I spent US$ 150 on Emily...

and didn't even get

a kiss of good night.

So you can imagine how impassioned

I feel now I've actually met this girl.

You're pathetic, man!

I mean, you lose your virginity...

and you don't even get

the girl's name!

- What the hell is that?

- It's penile power, man.

I got it out of an ad

in a magazine, you know?

It's gonna help me increase length

and girth by hanging weights, man!

- Check it out, I'm up to 5 pounds.

- It's the stroker, not the poker.

Man, I'm doing this for me.

Like I always say...

"The angle of the dangle

equals the cubic of the pubic".

- What's that have to do with anything?

- I don't know. I just like to say it.

This penile power thing is gonna

help me increase my libido...

help me maintain

a full firm erection...

and it's gonna help me

control my ejaculation, baby.

- So I'm gonna do it all night long!

- When do you start junior high?

No, man, look here. I'm serious.

It works. Check this out.

This is Kung Chang, right?

Master of penile power.

Look. He's lifting 500 pounds

with his penis, man!

Great, that's useful! is he gonna

enter himself in a tractor pull?

Whatever, man.

So what are you gonna

do about this girl?

- She left this.

- Hey, man, let me see that!

No...

...I don't recognize this one.

- Hey, give them back!

What are you gonna do? You're

gonna boil them and make soup?

You don't want

a girlfriend. Jesus.

And then there's the other thing.

You'd spend every Friday night...

watching movies adapted from

the latest Jane Austen book.

- You don't want that, man!

- It's pretty cold, Rod.

Listen, when it comes to men

and women, men get a raw deal.

For centuries, we've been killing

over 15 years before our wives...

and all because of all the stress

in the work place, right?

But not once have they

apologized, man...

for all the millions of years

of life we've lost working...

while women stayed home.

I couldn't understand why

Rod hated women so much.

I suspected there was some past

horror that made him this way.

Man, all you gotta do is find the

matching bra to those panties.

- Mystery solved!

- That's not a half bad idea.

You're never gonna get

in the Virgin Vault, man.

They don't let boys in

the girls' side, alright?

- No, this will work.

- You're high, man.

Come with me.

What are you doing, man?

Rod, I focused all my

great cerebral powers...

to come up with this bold plan

to penetrate the Vault.

What are you?

Coyote super genius or something?

Something like that.

Wait! The Coyote never

caught the Roadrunner, man!

Got you!

Hi, I'm Matt, the new

maintenance man.

Had a call about some rats.

Man in the hall!

Getting my female suspects

just about off their rooms...

was as easy as giving away

free hair-care products to girls.

It was as if I was a perverted

Prince Charming.

instead of Cinderella's glass

slippers, I had her panties

I miss you. What you mean,

you just wanna be friends?

- Get off me!

- Put that away and give me some.

- It's gonna be okay. Come on, baby.

- Jesus, can't you see I'm busy?!

- Put that stupid sh*t away, alright?

- Crick, get off!

It's time to give

me some, alright?

Just relax, alright?

You stapled my ass!

- What are you doing?

- Stop it!

He was gonna kill me.

I just hoped to get in...

a few verbal punches before

he went Mike Tyson on me.

- Who are you?

- I'm Matthew. Your name's Crick.

As in "Crick without a paddle".

I've seen you around.

- You're a natural born hipster.

- Natural born hipster?

The next evolution of a jock.

You traded in your letterman jacket...

for a manicured goatee

and an Euro trash ponytail.

You're the worst kind of cool,

the kind who wears male make-up.

A real fashion plate.

You're living proof of those boy-toy

do of uses in those men's magazines!

I was a goner.

But better me than her.

What was the worse? Crick was

hopped upon nicotine gum.

A chain-chewer. And he chewed

his gum with his mouth open.

I hated that noise.

It was my kryptonite

What the hell are

you doing here?

- I'm here so save her.

- Save her?

How are you gonna do that?

Crick wasn't wearing a shirt.

His nipples stood out like knobs...

on an old TV.

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