13 Sins

1

And last but not least, to Susan

"The Steamroller" Purtree

for putting this all together.

And now, finally, at long last,

as some of you may be saying,

it is my honor, my privilege,

my personal pleasure

to present to you the

man of every hour,

University of Perth's own

Professor Edgar Solomon.

Hear, hear!

Thank you. Sincerely.

A bear taking a dump

asked a rabbit,

"Does sh*t stick to

your fur as a habit?"

"Of course not," said the hare,

"it's really quite rare,"

so the bear wiped his

ass with the rabbit.

There once was a lady named Dot...

who lived off of pig sh*t and snot.

When she ran out of these,

she ate the green cheese...

that she grew on the sides...

of her twat.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right? You OK?

- I'm so sorry.

- OK.

Edgar? What are

you doing? Oh, my...!

Stop!

- Hands over your head, sir!

- Just one moment.

Please, sir, don't

reach in your jacket!

I'm calling on behalf of

AAMQ debt acquisitions,

regarding the balance on

your LBF Platinum card...

This is an attempt

to collect a debt.

If you do not pay your

outstanding bill...

your power will be cut off

by noon Friday, July...

Hello? Hi, I'm here. And I might

be able to pay you today.

I think I'm about to

get some good news.

- I think you're gonna get it.

- Oh, stop jinxing it.

- It's unjinxable. You got it.

- Stop saying that.

- Too bad.

- Just tie my lucky tie.

Senior sales representative.

Honey, when's the last time Kopeckny

asked you in for a meeting one on one?

- Never.

- So there.

If I get this promotion, we

are so going on a honeymoon.

Who needs a honeymoon?

After this weekend we'll be married.

You'll ask, "Where's the remote?"

But I mean like a husband asking

his wife where is the remote.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Yes?

- What about the kid?

The kid.

Geez.

All right. Senior sales

representative, here I come!

Sir, I'm just trying to understand.

You're firing me?

I made more sales

than ever last month.

And you're still not producing.

What does that tell you?

Explain to me what

happened yesterday.

I made the sale.

The woman was interested

in the gold plan.

- You talked her out of it.

- Wh...

You talked her out

of the gold plan.

I sold Ms. Palmer a policy that was

appropriate to her age and income.

I didn't feel like I should

take advantage... of her.

That's what we do here?

- We take advantage of people?

- No. No, not at all.

- That's not what I meant.

- I got it.

- Sir...

- No, I got it. I do, really.

We shame you. You're

too pure for this job.

Please, I cannot lose this

job right now. Sir...

My brother is mentally disabled,

and if I lose this job,

I'm going to lose my insurance.

And if I lose my insurance,

I'm not gonna be able to

afford his outpatient care

and they're gonna

re-institutionalize him.

Sounds like you have a lot

of people depending on you.

You got this brother.

You're getting married,

having a baby.

Yeah.

You realize the same things

that make you a lousy salesman

are going to f***

you up as a father?

Or a husband, for that matter.

I mean, you're marrying this girl.

She's marrying someone who

refuses to get his hands dirty,

who lacks the balls

to ever really lay it on the

line for her or her child.

If you think I'm being unfair,

tell me to go to hell.

Like a man. Huh?

Mm-mm-mm...

Vince... get him out of here.

No, no, no. OK, 'cause...

they'll send me back to Bayview.

And I can't go back to Bayview. They

lock the doors on you at Bayview.

- I know.

- Then you have to say a promise to me,

that you promise me I don't

have to go back there.

Like, "I promise," well,

"I promise you, Michael,

you don't have to go

back there to Bayview."

You have to say that to me.

You have to promise me.

OK.

OK. You take the elevator

and I'll take the stairs

and I'll meet you

like in five seconds!

I know it's only a day

away, but is there any way

to move the rehearsal dinner

into maybe a smaller room?

The Cypress Room's already

our most economical.

There's a number of affordable

motor inns all along the highway.

No! It's just, things have come up.

- I have to take this.

- Hello?

Dad, why didn't you show me this?

I could've at least been

looking for a place for you!

What kind of n*gger paradise do you

think you're going to move me into?

I'm not gonna live among Bantus.

I'm gonna have to move in

with you. We both know it.

- Dad.

- Oh, I know. I'm a blight.

This is why you should

have made more money.

You sealed all our fates when you

settled on a liberal arts major.

Mythology and Folklore. What

the f*** were you thinking?

- If I just had more time.

- You had 15 years by my count.

Fifteen years to find

something you were good at.

By the time I was your age,

I'd amassed a fortune so huge,

it took decades of dedicated

self-destruction to wind up like this.

Dad, you know we already have

Michael living with us...

- Leave me alone.

- And the baby on the way.

My bowels are finally moving. Let me

savor these last little victories.

Your father despises me, Elliot.

Shelby, I know how hard this is

gonna be on everybody. I know that.

Then why did you tell him yes?

Hey, Ellie, do you remember

when Dad would always...

was always saying he was

going to have a man

from the orphanage

to come and get us?

And we never knew why that

was going to be a punishment

to get to live away from him.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember.

Well, that's not even

an option anymore.

Do you remember Deborah, who

lived across the street, Ellie?

Well, I wonder if she's still alive.

She's probably still alive, Ellie.

She wouldn't be that old. She'd be

maybe 57 now. That's not that old.

Ellie, can you give me a ride

to Joe Burger? I took my pill.

OK? I just... I took

my pill already.

Well, I can't go back to

Hot Dog Castle right now

'cause things just got

very unpleasant there.

OK? Well...

- Don't go faster, Ellie.

- I won't.

- Just don't do that.

- I won't. I'm not.

Just stay there.

Well, yeah, because he knows

that Marisol likes me

and there's sometimes when

she is at the counter,

we'll make... we'll make eyes

at each other sometimes.

Is that what people say, to

"make eyes at each other"?

- Yeah, it is.

- Yeah, to make eyes. Well...

I think that Shelby is like Mom.

When she was alive, she was poor.

You don't think about

that, but they were.

Dad didn't make his

money until later

and he didn't start to be

mean until later. So, yeah.

Bye.

What the f***?

- Hello?

- Mr. Elliot Brindle?

- Yes?

- Congratulations.

You have been selected

for the opportunity

to take part in a

one-of-a-kind game show!

- Uh, look...

- Of a long list of candidates

in financial need, you have been chosen

to compete for a fantastic cash prize.

I think you may have

dialed the wrong number.

Elliot Brindle, age 32.

Your mother was killed in a car

accident when you were nine.

Ever since, you've felt

responsible for your brother,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes