13 Sins Page #2

whose outpatient care

cost you $1,200 a month.

Add that to $90,000 in student

loans and credit card debt,

- no wonder you have trouble sleeping.

- Who is this?

You always mean well, but follow-through

has often been a problem.

Like today, you somehow were

unable to protect your fiancee

from having a vindictive old

racist move in with her.

- What do you want?

- You can't honestly even say

you put up much of a fight on

that one, can you, Mr. Brindle?

OK, I'm gonna hang up now.

And at this moment, you are

being defeated by a fly.

Don't be alarmed, Mr. Brindle.

All that matters is the

challenge I put before you now.

Swat the fly.

If you kill the fly,

$1000 will be instantly

credited to your Nola Bank

account number 5366286.

Sh*t.

If you wish to proceed, we have

another challenge for you,

no more complicated than

the first. Are you ready?

- Swallow the fly you just killed.

- What?

If you eat the fly,

$3,622 will be credited

to your account, exactly what

Shelby owes on her MasterCard.

That would be a nice wedding

gift for her, wouldn't it?

Well done. You have

completed challenge two.

$3,622 has been credited

to your Nola bank account.

Jesus. You're watching me now?

You can have your privacy

back right now, if you like.

But I must tell you, great

wealth is within your grasp.

Thirty-six hours from now,

you can be a very rich man.

All you have to do is

complete 13 challenges.

You've already completed

two, so only 11 more to go.

Please make sure you are

alone, entirely alone,

as I relate to you the rules.

There are 11 more challenges.

For each one you complete, the

cash prizes will grow in value.

If you complete challenge 13, you

will claim a life-changing fortune.

Our last winner took

home 6.2 million.

Six point two million dollars?

If you fail to

complete a challenge,

the game will end and you

will lose everything,

including any money you

have won to that point.

There are two other

ways the game can end.

One, tell anyone you

are playing the game.

Two, attempt to contact or in any

way interfere with the game.

- Why me?

- Everything will be revealed to you

at the appropriate time.

If you understand the rules

and wish to continue,

please press one to

register your entry.

- Otherwise, press two, end the game.

- El?

Mr. Brindle?

Did you just slam the

door in my face?

No.

- Congratulations, Elliot Brindle.

- Elliot...

You are now a

registered contestant.

Now, please, face forward and say,

"I will dance with a golden toad."

- I will dance with a golden toad.

- Excellent!

Get a good night's sleep,

and in the morning,

be sure to wear a comfortable

pair of walking shoes.

Who was that?

- It's a surprise.

- Hm.

Everything will be revealed to

you at the appropriate time.

OK. Mm-hm.

Now, back to bed.

You know, when Shelby was little...

Mom!

She used to always go on about

the wedding she was gonna have,

and it always got bigger.

By the time she was 12,

she was riding in at the head

of a parade of elephants...

- attended by six eunuchs!

- I've since amended that.

Give me one second.

- Hello?

- Good morning, Mr. Brindle.

This is challenge three of 13.

For $5,000, make a child cry.

- What?

- You have five minutes.

- What?

- We wish you luck.

Elliot?

- Everything OK?

- Yeah.

- And now I gotta urinate.

- Right.

I'll just post it on Facebook.

We can put out a proper

press release later.

Hey...

- Your mommy doesn't love you.

- Yes, she does.

They don't want to let you know,

but the man from the orphanage

is coming to take you away.

- That's not true.

- Yes, it is.

That's what they're

talking about right now.

It's because of what you did.

Mommy! Mommy!

I'm so sorry!

- What's the matter?

- What's wrong, sweetie?

OK, so we're off? Let me get that.

- OK.

- Thank you.

- I got it.

- Bye, Dad!

If you want, I can just go pick my dad

up myself and drop you off at home.

- Are you trying to get rid of me?

- No.

We're not even married yet,

and it's already started?

- Women, right?

- Hey!

What the...?

How f***ing dare you!

What kind of a pervert are you?

- Stop the car! Stop the car!

- Sick, twisted...!

- Whoa! Baby, stop, stop!

- The f*** is wrong with you?!

F*** you!

He's right there.

- I'm not loving this new ringtone.

- I'm sorry.

This next one is worth $10,000!

Challenge four of 13.

We'd like to draw your

attention to a nativity scene.

Handcrafted in darkness by the children

of the Chabert Home for the Blind.

- Hey, Bill, you ready?

- Yeah, I'm f***in' ready.

What do you think? I gotta

piss like a racehorse.

- OK.

- We wish you luck.

You can't be serious.

The baby was a miscalculation.

Elliot's already collapsing

under the weight of it.

You'll get tired of

propping him up.

Years go by,

and your bitterness will grow

in proportion to your ass.

Come here and give me a hand.

With my zipper, please.

My arthritis.

F***.

I'm wondering what Elliot's

told you about his mother.

He told you I was driving?

- He told you that, at least.

- Uh-huh.

- I know he thinks I was drinking.

- Were you?

I was in a hurry. I was a

busy man in those days.

Things to do, an empire to build.

I couldn't slow down for anything.

Least of all a telephone pole.

F***!

- Do you hear that? The fire alarm?

- Hm?

No, I didn't. Sorry.

- Hello?

- Mr. Brindle!

I'm sorry, that was a

total accident. I didn't...

Take a breath, and when you're ready

to begin challenge five of 13,

follow the unseasonably dressed

homeless person across the street.

What's going on?

I'm still working on the surprise.

I'm gonna be gone for

a couple of hours.

- F*** you!

- I'm not joking, I gotta go.

If I were a paranoid bridezilla, I'd

think you were getting cold feet.

My feet are very warm.

What if, just say, your

extremely strange behavior...

you do agree, it's

extremely strange...

Yes, definitely.

Well, what if, hypothetically,

I decided I didn't find it

as delightful as all that and

I seriously wanted to know

- where you're running off to!

- I'd just have to hope

it blew over by tonight.

I love you!

You're doing great. I know

this is taking a little while,

but we're almost done.

That should do the beard.

Um, let's move on to the eyes.

Do you think the eyes were

bigger or smaller than these?

- What do you think?

- Katie? Katie?

- Honey, the guy's eyes?

- That's him! That's the man!

- Who?

- That's the man who said

that I was gonna go

to the orphanage.

It says "wanted."

- What's this?

- This is just weird is what this is.

Beautiful back there, claims that this

guy came up to him on the street

and offered to trade him an ostrich

for his clothes and shopping cart.

- Did he have an ostrich?

- He did.

What would a homeless guy

want with an ostrich?

He didn't want an ostrich, so the guy

sweetened the deal by a thousand bucks.

- And he believed him.

- The guy's got an ostrich.

He might have a thousand bucks.

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