200 Motels Page #5

I'll tell you part of the story, and then you make up another part that goes along with it. Once upon a time

there was a tall, handsome, muscular . . .

Dwarf.

. . . with a very special . . .

Swedish apparatus!

. . . that him and his friends would use in c

onjunction with . . .

Bold new surgical experiments!

. . . involving . . .

A bludgeon, and a bottle of champagne . . .

. . . and a . . .

. . . microwave oven . . .

. . . from a . . .

. . . jumbo jet, one of the big jobs leased from

Air Rangoon!

. . . which, when used correctly . . .

. . . can effectively increase the dimensions . . .

. . . and firepower of your . . .

. . . dick . . .

. . . to the point where . . .

. . . in some instances, it should be classified

as a lethal weapon!

Your dick!

Your dick?

Your dork!

Your dork?

Your prick!

Your prick?

Your pork!

Your pork?

Your pork?

Who calls it a pork? These men, and the stuff they call a wee-wee!

A wee-wee?

You mean a penis, don't you?

A penis?

Penis is such an ugly word.

It's not that ugly, really.

Sure, I-I use it all the time.

Sure, sure, we all say it every once in

a while. Listen:

PENIS.

Ewww!

Penis! Penis!

Ew, it sounds so revolting the way you guys

say it. Ew, ka-ka.

Ka-ka!

The penis can be a very useful organ.

Yeah, and very exciting, too, once you get

to know me.

Oh, yeah, right, yeah, etc . . .

Penis!

It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal.

A penis sounds like something a doctor would

have hanging off of him.

None of the men I know and love in the rock and roll business got penises. They all got c*cks or d*cks at least.

Sure, you want to go strap on a pop star, and he

wants to stick a penis up you, where is that at?

Let's ask our studio audience!

Will you trade what he has in his pants

for what I have behind this curtain?

What is it?

You mean what's in his pants?

I know what's in his pants, he's a lonely guy.

You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling. You! Hey, buddy! Sky marshall! Go whirl the big wheel!

Can I just take the money?

There isn't any money, just the curtain

and . . .

. . . the lonely guy.

Time is running out, think it over carefully.

The curtain!

I want the money.

Wait! What could it be in there?

In his pants?

In the curtain!

Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?

Penis dimension

Penis dimension

Penis dimension is worrying me

I can't hardly sleep at night

'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?

Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?

Do you worry and moan . . .

That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough?

It's your penis dimension!

Penis dimension!

Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of

many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious

tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force

a human being to have to become

a politician!

A policeman!

A Jesuit monk

A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone

BEEF-UP, they become writers of hot books

"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning

phallus in her quivering quim."

Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!

"Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated

member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha! Ooh . . .

Or race horse jockeys. There is no reason why you or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough, without

the size of your organ adding even more

misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!

Right on, right on!

Now, if you're a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:

ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES!

And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you

aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up

and down and he says, uh . . .

Eight inches or less?

Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you've got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right

between the eyes, and you got to tell him

these words:

I stuff three pair of socks and a bar of beauty soap down in front of my pants!

She painted up her face

She sat before the mirror

She painted up her face

She drew the mirror nearer

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The STARE!

The STARE!

(The 'secret stare' she would use

If a worthy-looking victim should appear)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

(Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh)

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

The clock upon the wall

Has struck the midnight hour!

She finishes her call;

Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!

Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;

Brushes her teeth;

Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .

(It's getting her, getting her

Hot--Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)

She's just twenty-four

And she can't get off,

A sad but typical case, yeah

Last dude to do her

Got in and got soft;

She blew it,

And laughed in his face, yeah!

Face, yeah!

Yeah

She chooses all the clothes

She'll wear tonight to dance in!

The places that she goes

Are filled with guys from groups,

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

Waiting for a chance to break her pants in

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!

(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!

(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!

(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

PROVOCATIVE SQUATS!

(gum-me-on-m'lung-a)

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;

Twenty or thirty at times there have been--

Somewhat desirable boys there--

Dressed really spiffy, with long hair--

Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Well, at least there's sort of a choice there;

Twenty or thirty at times there have been--

Somewhat desirable boys there--

Dressed really spiffy, with long hair--

Waiting for girls they can shove it right in

Hello there. All the guys in the band are pretending to

get ready so they can go out and find some p*ssy.

Oh, I wonder where the action is in this town?

Every musician likes to find some p*ssy.

Boy, I coulda really scored last night. But every night its the same thing; Aynsley gets there first. He's so FAST . . .

it must be from playing the drums or something. I mean . . . if those girls over there only knew my secret identity, but

. . . but how COULD they? How- how could they

know that I am Bwana Dik?

Where's my hair dryer? Got to look lovely for

the girls. After all, I am Bwana Dik.

Each guy has his own speciality for getting the

girl of his dreams.

I sprayed my pits . . . I put on a new tie-dye

t-shirt . . . I brushed my teeth . . .

I cleaned my glasses . . .

I buffed my nails.

I bought a copy of Down Beat so I could carry it

around and look like I knew what was happening.

I left my shirt unbuttoned at the top . . .

I just KNOW I'm gonna get laid tonight. I'm not taking any chances. I got this little jar of tinsel glitter here . . . the

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