25th Hour Page #5

You're gone for good.

If you get lucky, really lucky,

like, he got good trim

the night before,

maybe he'll plead you off to an A2.

That's three to eight

for first time. Minimum.

How much of that you pull is up to

the mood of the prosecutor.

And he's going to ask us,

did he play ball?

So, ...

...why don't you tell us

about your friend Nikolai?

Let us make it easy on you.

Can I ask you one question?

Sure.

When you have your dick

in his mouth,

does he just keep talking like that?

Seems to me

he just never shuts up and I'm...

I'm curious. Isn't that annoying?

You're f***ing a guy in the mouth

and he just won't shut up?

Look here, you vanilla motherf***er,

when you're upstate

taking it in the culo,

by a bunch of guys

calling you Shirley,

you'll only have yourself

and Governor Rockefeller to thank.

Let's get the hell outta here.

Tell the US Attorney

we got a hard ass.

- You need a girlfriend.

- I need a girlfriend?

Wait a minute. When was

the last time you had a girlfriend?

When did you last get laid?

- I've got prospects.

- Yeah, you got prospects.

You know what?

You're in the 62nd percentile,

you are.

- What is that?

- The 62nd percentile?

That's where you rate.

Bachelors in New York compete for

the same women. Straight bachelors.

- And I'm in the 62nd percentile?

- Yes, sir.

So I'm better than

- You're rated higher, yeah.

- But worse than what, 38 percent?

- 37. No 100th percentile.

- How d'you come up with 62?

- There's a science to it.

- A science to it?

Sounds very scientific.

May I enquire as to your rating?

Funny you should ask.

I fall right in the 99 percentile.

Of course.

- Who came up with the ratings?

- I did.

You came up with the ratings?

And you get a 99.

- That's very interesting.

- Yeah?

What are these based on?

It's a system. That's your rating.

It doesn't make you a bad person.

- No, just a bad bachelor.

- A better-than-average bachelor.

- What are the criteria?

- First, money. You have none.

Trust funds don't count for sh*t

because Mommy and Daddy

can turn off the cashflow.

That keeps you out of the top ten.

Ten percent of the gold-diggers?

Ten percent period.

Two, you got chronic bad breath.

No offence,

but most women won't stick with

a guy with stank breath, so...

- F*** you.

- No need to get annoyed.

I am annoyed. What puts you in

the 99 percentile? I wanna know.

OK. Well, first of all, I...

Besides your salary,

all the money you make.

Alright.

I happen to be blessed

with a very big dick.

Genetics, man.

Doesn't dyeing your hair

drop you a few places?

No. Not at all. Would only

bother women if it bothered me.

- Going grey does bother you.

- Doesn't.

So why smear that gloop over

your scalp ten billion times a day?

Hair's a non-issue, Jake.

Well, are table manners an issue?

That silver thing to the left

of your plate, that's called a fork.

People eat rice

with chopsticks or a fork.

Grown people don't eat fried rice

with their bare hands.

- You don't know how to behave.

- You bust my balls over how I eat?

You spend your week figuring how

to defraud foreign governments,

then you get out of there

and go out into the strange world

outside your office, called reality,

and you don't know how to behave.

- I rest my case.

- You wanna tell me about reality?

Jacob, you're a rich Jewish kid

ashamed of his wealth.

You walk around unhappy 24/7,

trying to make up

for being born privileged.

F*** that! You know what?

That's just some knee-jerk

liberalism bullshit, man.

You call that reality?

So what's Monty?

Let's see.

Monty's going to prison.

He's a doughnut. Big fat zero.

Yo. Let's not go to practice.

Just today.

- So don't go.

- Let's go to my house.

- Yeah!

- C'mon, Nat. Let's go.

My mother won't be home

till late either. And there's food.

- Good. I ain't got no money.

- Peter's home.

- So?

- What's that?

- Nothing, I don't care.

- You don't care, Nat?

- What do you mean now?

- Yeah, right!

- You've likeded him forever!

- I never likeded him.

You always try to hook us up

cos you want me as a sister-in-law.

That'd be nice, but don't

pretend you don't like him.

Nat, please, OK.

Every day you come to my house.

"Peter, walk me home..."

Every day?

What kind of bullshit is that?

- What's up, Simon?

- How you doin'? Good, good.

- What's that?

- A new guy. Golden. He's good.

He's big, big. Like, beep-beep!

Back up the truck.

I'll handle my business, alright?

- Just trying to help.

- Alright, take it easy.

- When she break up with him?

- Like, a month ago.

But she don't stop. She calls

the house, she hangs up, please...!

Did he break up with her

or she broke up with him?

Excuse me.

- Why doesn't he...?

- Excuse me. You got a light?

Can I borrow your lighter

for a second?

Thanks a lot.

- What's he doing?

- He's loco.

- I've met you before, haven't I?

- You are familiar. Where from?

- You were in my brother's class.

- Pete.

Yeah, I know who you are.

Nat. Come on, let's go.

We got practice.

- I'll catch up.

- Alright.

Whatever. You stupid...

- What you got practice for?

- Basketball.

Seriously? You play? Come on!

- You a guard?

- Three spot.

Small forward? No sh*t.

That means you're strong and quick.

I play the one. Point.

- Skip practice, you'll get the boot.

- Just wanna finish my cigarette.

Funny, I wouldn't have made you

for a ball player, you know?

You look more like a...

Like a runner. Like a track star.

Where you from?

No, I mean... You from uptown?

- You on a scholarship?

- What? I can't be from Riverdale?

You can be from wherever you want.

Just... curious.

I didn't mean nothing.

I was on a scholarship, too.

It's a good thing. You're lucky.

What's your name? Nat? Natalie?

- Naturelle.

- Naturelle? You serious?

Naturelle? I like it.

- How old are you?

- 18.

Are you 18?

- Why?

- Cos it's not every day

I meet such a pretty girl

who plays three spot. That's deadly.

- How old are you?

- Old enough to have to ask.

You're too old to be hanging out

in the playground.

I wasn't hanging out.

I was passing by.

What if I was 17?

I might shorten the conversation

a little. But you're not, you're 18.

So we got no problem.

What do you say

I come see you play sometime?

Seriously. I'd like to.

- Maybe.

- Maybe?

I'll be the one behind the bench

yelling, "Get back on D!"

See you.

Hey. I want you to meet somebody.

Who's that?

She's just the girl for you.

Hey, Jody. Are you back there?

- Hey, baby. How you doin'?

- Hi.

Is this your little brother?

He's a cutey.

Don't bother.

I'm in the 62nd percentile.

Cos you don't work on Wall Street.

That scale is skewed on money.

- Everybody knows about this?

- Everybody at this bar.

- Phew... You see that ass?

- She's beautiful.

Yeah.

One of the guys at school,

this biology teacher, Terry...

D'you ever meet Terry?

No, I don't think so.

Anyway, he really likes this girl.

- A student?

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