31 Page #2

---

Then read it and weep, genius.

Back side.

Got a whole lot of lazy eff-ers

here in this world, man.

Hi.

You diggin' what you see, pops?

I reckon I do.

Ooh.

You can call me Leo.

Lucky Leo, if you

know what I mean.

Oh really? Do you feel lucky?

I got a mattress out back and a

couple of jugs of gut-burner.

- Hah!

Trust me, Leo.

Your prehistoric ticker couldn't

survive the ride. Ha ha ha.

- Whoo!

- Charly...

Stop f***ing with the locals.

Gimme a break.

I'm just making friends.

You want to be my friend,

don't you, Leo?

You know I do.

See? Just making friends.

You've had enough friends

for a lifetime.

Nice puppets, Leo.

You play with that stuff?

I bet you do.

The good lord pray me

for every day,

he want me to leave

a righteous way.

So I don't care what

the white man say.

Santa Claus is a black man.

You know, I'm thinking man,

when we get ourself a break

we need to check out the sound

system in the carousel.

Man, them speakers, man,

they shot up to sh*t.

Seriously though, it looks like

I'm losing my sh*t,

I don't normally have

this much forehead.

Too young for that.

Hey man, look, it gon' do

what it gon' do.

Yeah, but that's easy

for you to say.

Sh*t take a god damn nuclear blast

to damage that foxy 'doo of yours,

my sh*t goes south,

I can't do no Isaac Hayes.

Will you teach us something?

I'll teach you something,

they won't hurt you.

There's only four things you

need to know about this career.

This is the answer it all.

All right.

Sucky, sucky, sucky.

Fucky, fucky, fucky.

Juicy, juicy, juicy.

Money, money, money!

Hey, sailor.

How many seaman you got

in that tin can?

Too many.

Why, you need a lift?

Mm, maybe.

I could fit in

very tight spaces.

I bet you can.

So can I.

Ya'll headed up Jackson

way to go hunting?

No, we're just plowing straight

on through to Ardleyville.

Plannin' on doin' some huntin'?

Now, why are you so concerned

with me going huntin'?

Oh, just wondering.

You got that domineering great

white hunter vibe.

Uh, yeah, it just comes natural.

But we isn't got nothing

of any firearms on this truck,

other than a busted old shotgun.

Oh, what's it for?

Propping open the air vent.

What if you get in a jam?

Well then I guess I...

Bust out my old trusty crowbar and

back it up with one of these guns.

Oh...

Pop. See you later, Popeye.

I'ma go get me some spinach.

Oh yeah you are.

That's the moon man

Halloween party

on the night that was

made for howling, ahoo!

...we bring you

the wolf man Jack

make-believe

graveyard ball.

Starring the leader of the gang

at the fang, wolf man Jack.

Oh, boy. Good evening and..

Oh, sh*t.

What the f*** is this sh*t?

...we got our big monster mash

party going here.

Real fast, why are you stopping?

Just because some hillbilly sets up a Halloween

la-la in the middle of the god damn road...

How about movin' this sh*t

to the side of the road, man?

What do you mean?

Come on, you know it's easier for you

to get out than it is for Randy.

Thank you!

Mr. monkey! I'll go with you.

Hey, panda, wake up.

Come on out and help us.

Jesus Christ, every time

I get comfortable.

Oh, I'm telling you this

is one big-time party.

What the hell is this?

This voodoo man...

Voodoo schm-oodoo,

let's move this stuff off.

Suspenseful music]

- Come on, go!

What the f***?

Come on go!

Oh, sh*t!

The wolf man Jack show.

Well I say all good things

gotta come to an end

and this is the end of

the line for us today.

And we sure have enjoyed having you's

all here with me and everything.

And I know ya'll have

enjoyed being had.

Come back next time, and remember,

wolf man loves ya'll, bye everybody!

I bid you welcome,

oh nameless and numbered ones.

Tonight, we are

going to play 31.

What is 31, pray tell?

Ah, ha ha, well, 31 is war.

And as the old saying goes,

war is hell.

In exactly 120 seconds,

we will begin.

And all you have to do

is survive 12 hours

inside the walls of our

own private little hell.

And now, for the survival odds,

as we see fit.

Number one, 50 to 1.

Number two, 500 to 1.

Number three, 100 to 1.

Number four, 60 to 1.

Number five, 500 to 1.

Now, what do you have

to do to survive?

Fear not. We have some very

colorful heads for you tonight.

And they're here for one reason,

and for one reason only.

To kill you in

the most violent way possible.

Feast your eyes and behold!

- Sick-head!

Happy Halloween motherfuckers!

Ah, numero cinco.

Numero Quatro...

Ah.

Numero tres,

numero dos,

y numero uno,

now do not be fooled by

the man-beast I put before you.

This is a true

world-class warrior.

He lives to kill.

Sick-head will not go gentile

into this good night.

No, I won't.

31 has begun! Ha ha!

Welcome to 31.

You now have exactly 12 hours to play.

Happy Halloween.

[Cackling

Jesus, man.

- You almost took off my god damn head.

- No sh*t.

- See anybody else?

- Negative.

The average human

is quite resilient.

Events that disgust

us one minute

quickly become infinitely

acceptable the next.

Sometimes, the weak ones

have the most fight

or perhaps they're just

the luckiest, I don't know.

But as we like to say

around here,

the dirtier you work,

the luckier you get.

Sounds like

it's coming from this room.

- It could be a trap.

- This whole god damn thing is an effing trap.

Okay, okay,

I'm going to slide the door.

Get ready with the pipe.

- Go.

Pull it off.

I thought it was Charly.

I've... I've never been

so f***ing happy I was wrong.

F***.

What is this f***ing place?

Taunting noise]

Numero Quatro...

Open the f***ing gate!

I'm going to put this f***ing

knife so far up your f***ing ass.

I might like that.

You're a f***ing chihuahua.

You think it's funny?

Open the f***ing gate!

F*** you.

I'm coming for you, boy.

Number four always dies first.

We're going to get so friendly,

it's going to kill you.

I'm f***ing coming for you.

Open the f***ing gate.

Open the f***ing gate.

...I'm coming for you.

- I'm coming for you.

- I'm f***ing coming for you!

I'm f***ing coming for you.

Trick or treat you are dead,

I will smash your f***ing head.

Trick or treat, you are dead,

I will smash your f***ing head.

Trick or treat, you are dead,

I will smash your f***ing head.

Trick or treat, you are dead,

I will smash your f***ing head.

Whoa, girl! Cool it with

the bat. I'm on your side.

Come on now, child,

let's get the f*** out of here.

- F***!

- God damn b*tch!

You somethin' with that slugger.

- Is he dead?

- I don't know.

Son of a b*tch,

I think I broke his neck.

Sh*t, where did he get me?

I can't tell,

I think in the shoulder blade.

- F***.

- I got to stop the bleeding.

- Here put some pressure here.

- Ah! God!

Hola puta! Hola!

Get away from me.

Get away from me! Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

You better run, number five.

'Cause I'm gonna go kill number four

and then I'm gonna come back for you

and I'm gonna kill

you nice and slow.

Rate this script:3.8 / 4 votes