50 First Dates

So tell me. How was Hawaii?

- It was unbelievable.

- Oh, yeah?

- Well, what happened?

- I met this guy.

It was the best week of my life.

It was just a little

vacation romance.

But he was so sweet.

He took me to all these

cool local places.

We went scuba diving...

- Snorkelling.

- Mountain climbing.

We went cliff diving.

Well, we got a little drunk.

- He gave me...

- A back rub.

We slow danced...

- in the rain.

But it wasn't just about the sex.

He pounded me like a mallard duck.

It ended kind of weird, though.

When I asked for his number,

he said he's...

- Married.

- Gay.

- Entering the priesthood.

- He doesn't believe in phones.

He just kind of ran away.

You know, it was just

a little fling, but...

I won't forget my week...

- with Henry Roth.

- Henry Roth.

- Harry.

Harry Paratesticles.

- Henry Roth.

- Henry Roth.

- Henry Roth.

- Henry Roth.

Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me

you were a secret agent?

I prefer intelligence operative,

and I couldn't tell you until I knew you.

Well, can I call you when I land?

You can call me, but I'll be in Peru.

I said that a little loud.

Come on, that's a 187, code blue.

We got the wolf sleeping at night.

He's slipping his arm in the drawer

and out comes the cookie jar. All clear.

Got it?

Well, maybe when you

get back from Peru.

- I don't think that's an option, Lisa.

- Linda.

I know. I changed your name

for your protection.

We have to go our separate ways now.

Well, goodbye.

Got it! Moving out!

- What the hell is your problem?

- Just keep going, I'll give you $20.

- You got it. How's your balls?

- Killing me. Hit it.

Easy, Honah Lee.

Hey, I'm a person, not a seal.

Well, I am a vet, not a doctor. So just

hold still, or I won't give you a treat.

I know, it's okay.

You see that, kids?

You see what happens

when you play with sharks?

Now, why you gotta spread those lies?

Sharks are like dogs.

They only bite when you

touch their private parts.

That's a good title

for my documentary.

Sharks:
They Only Bite When

You Touch Their Private Parts.

Or you could call it,

Sharks:
They Tried to Eat My Kidney

All right, enough already.

You too, Willie.

All of you.

He just cast a spell on us.

All right. Put this on four times

a day for two weeks.

- You can handle that.

- What's wrong with that turtle?

Lung problems because

he smoked too much turtle weed...

...which is bad for you. Right, Ula?

What? I don't smoke weed.

Hey, Honah Lee? How's that hot

wahine nympho from Ohio?

Great. I dropped her off

at the airport this morning.

Come on, I need some details.

You get some booby, some assy,

a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.

Daddy, what's a nympho?

Oh. The nympho

is the state bird of Ohio.

You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

Here you go. Bite the fish,

chew the fish, love the fish. Enjoy.

- You crack me up, kamaaina

- Oh, yeah?

- One of these days...

- Yeah?

...you'll show one of those

tourists such a good time...

...she'll wanna stay on the island.

Why do you say

mean things like that...

...and why is your foot

on my pillow?

I don't want your ass on it, either.

Get up! Get up!

It could happen.

Then you won't be able to go

on your boat trip to Alaska.

You'll be stuck here, waking up next to

the same old, ugly broad, just like Ula.

- Just kidding, guys.

- About the old part or the ugly part?

Henry, come quickly!

It's Jocko!

Jocko! What's going on

with you, buddy?

Don't be scared.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Just stay calm. All right.

Willie, I don't need you to see this.

Get out of here, now!

Okay, check the temperature

of the pool. Go! Hurry!

What are you doing?

I meant check the thermometer!

Give me a hand. Let's go!

Get me two fish

from the barrel. Now.

- Okay.

- Just hang in there.

- Here.

- It's gonna be all right.

That's a little warm.

Go to the bottom of the barrel, please.

Okay, there. That's good. Thank you.

Come on, buddy, take it. Take it.

- He's not responding!

- I know, Alexa!

Sorry, I smacked you. You needed

the fish-slap to calm down.

- Do you understand? Are you calm?

- Yes. Fish-slap calm me.

I'm gonna try to get him

breathing manually...

...so I need your face next

to his mouth to see if it's working.

- Are you ready?

- Yes.

- One, two, three!

- Nothing, nothing!

All right! Try it again. If it doesn't

work we'll perform a tracheotomy.

We don't wanna do that, so let's

pray this works. One more time.

One, two...

That's a lot of vomit.

This is why I got into

this business.

To save sea animals.

You should go

wash yourself off, okay?

Maybe try some turpentine.

That might take the stink away.

Yeah, high-five is right, buddy.

I knew you were gonna burp,

but the vomit thing was awesome!

That's what she gets for eating

my roast beef sandwich.

Willie, did you see that?

Captain's log:

November 5th, 6:
45 am

I've tak en the Sea Serpent for

a trip around the island of Oahu

It is by far the longest v oyage

she has yet undertak en

and its completion will signal

that she's ready

for our great journey

to Bristol Bay

whose unspoiled walrus habitat

will yield an abundance of...

Damn it!

Are you kidding me?

Aloha, honey.

What can I get for you?

I guess I'll take a cup of coffee.

- You guess?

- Yeah, I already ate breakfast.

I need to kill some time before the

Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat.

What did you eat?

I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

and some Gatorade.

They're not breakfast.

I get you Spam and eggs.

Nick, I need Spam and eggs.

Hey.

- You like the peanut butter cups?

- Yes.

Want me to put peanut butter cups

in your eggs?

No, that's okay.

Peanut butter cups.

- Hey, Sue, nice haircut.

- Mahalo, Lucy.

Are you staring at me or her?

Because you're starting

to freak me out.

Settle down and eat your pancakes.

I think she's a local girl.

I wanted to go up to her...

...but I was kind of off my game.

But, man, was she cute, though.

I thought you liked your b*tches

from out of state.

Yeah, that's usually my policy.

Make sure I don't get tied down.

Freeze that image right there.

There's the little fella.

Congratulations, Mommy.

Sounds to me like someone

is afraid of commitment.

Let me guess.

Your high school sweetheart

got drunk at party...

...then cheated on you

with whole wrestling team.

Close. Actually, it was my

college girlfriend Tracy.

And it wasn't a wrestling team.

It was her academic advisor.

- Oh, she liked the older man.

- Older women. About 50 years older.

I hope you shot the stupid tramp.

What's with the "tramp"

and the "b*tches" talk?

- Are you drunk or something?

- I apologize for nasty talk.

I am grouchy due to lack

of recent physical intimacy.

Shut up, because here comes

one-time-only opportunity.

What I will do now is go into

your office and become naked.

Next move is up to you.

I may not be as limber

as I once was...

...but I make up for it with enthusiasm

and willingness to experiment.

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